I'm beside myself
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| Fri, 12-18-2009 - 3:43pm |
I feel so depressed right now. I was ok. But for the last two days I've really missed him and still been checking my phone. I'm up and down all through the day. I think it's really hitting me now.
You talk to this person everyday, 3-4 times a day, you see him almost everyday and then in the blink of an eye they are out of your life. This is so hard for me to take. It really does feel like the person has passed away. But when I think back I wasnt really getting much out of the A. I was doing most of the giving, sacrificing, and compromising. So what do I really miss? I cant answer that question. But the feelings are very real.
I just dont know. I guess when you invest your heart and soul and so much of your time into a person, it's only natural to feel this way. One minute I dont care how he felt about me and then the next, I'm wondering, did he really love me? Was I important to him as a person and not just b/c of what I did for him. Does he miss me? I dont see how I'll ever have an answer to those questions and sometimes it feels like its too much to bare. I guess I just have to deal with this and know it wont be this way forever.
At the same time I'm trying to work on my self-esteem and insecurity and dont even know where to begin. What was I thinking when I put myself in this situation. Oh that's right, I wasnt thinking.

Honeydew....no need to be beside yourself. It isn't if you were important to him or not. It is are you important to yourself? It isn't did he love you or not. It is do you love yourself?
Of course he misses you...you helped him feel better about himself and it is time to do the same for you. He can't do that for you nor anyone else. Time to dig deep and think of some awesome things about you!
You are important. You do matter. You are loved. It matters not if he is feeling the same thing or not. The feel goods aren't coming and YOU have the power now to take of yourself and see what a wonderful person you are!
Take care,
Hope
Caribu,
Hopefloats offered up some great advice. I would like to add that what you are feeling is normal when we start our grieving process. Anything that come to an end leaves a huge void in our hearts and it will take time to refill that space. Reality is now setting in and of course your thoughts will be all over the place for a while. It is best not to think of how they felt about us, but more about how we feel about ourselves. Learning to love and respect ourselves again is a huge part of the healing process.
I know the timing is bad, being that this ending has occurred just before the holidays, so you will feel more sadness that usual. Don't deny yourself your feelings, just try your best to ride through them one day at a time. Focus on the real people in your life and believe or not, your perspective will begin to change. Being able to laugh and play out in the open beats any backstreet alley. ;-)
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These are important aspects of ourselves that will need to be worked on, but I would suggest just to get through the holidays for now. Then, check out the healing library for a thread about what books
~Iddy~
Cl-iddy and Hope, thank you so much. Your words and encouragement are really appreciated. When I read on here, I do notice that many women go through the same thing and it makes me feel not so psycho or abnormal.
I will follow your advice and just try to get through the holidays first. Then I will focus just on me. I cant remember the last time I put myself first. I was like that way before the A. So these issues
Caribu,
Strange but I'm in the same stage of grieving that you are in now. It baffles me to know that we were in their life for so long and then in a blink of an eye, they're gone. The thought that hurts is knowing that I will never hear, see him again.
But like you said, ending the affair doesn't feel much different for me because while in the affair I hardly saw him or did things together. I mean... I miss the calls but then I think that he would call his wife too. What's the big deal about phone calls? And most of the time, they were lies he was feeding me while we were chatting...do I miss the lies? Nope.
Hang in there girl... we have a long road ahead of us.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N