(I'm confused) what are the signs . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
(I'm confused) what are the signs . . .
7
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 10:24am

... of an affair going nowhere?

Two people who know about my EMA and care about me (my sis and a best friend) have told me that they believe he will never leave his marriage. What were the signs that told you that you knew it was time to end the affair?

For me,
he says will be ending his marraige, but there is no definite date.
he says he loves me, but he's still throwing his wife a birthday party.
his wife suspected, but he didn't choose to leave then.

I am still waffling. This is my first affair (going on over a year), and something in me wants to take this leap of faith and keep going, keep believing. Believe that we'll be together. Am I just a fool?

My friend says that I need to ask him for a sign of his commitment to me. But what could that sign be? I'm confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 10:35am

As Free would say......DIVORCE PAPERS!!!!!

SS

Avatar for alice700
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 11:18am
You are not confused. It's that you know something you don't want to know. You are not stupid. Think about what you wrote, and you will know the answer yourself.
Alice
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 11:54am
I find the urge to reply although I am no expert, but I felt the same need I wanted a sign of his commitment, and I always ask him for something to believe. It is a hard place to be in, and I have struggled with letting it go time and time again. If he states that he is going to leave his W(as mine has), I asked how long he expected me to wait, how long he expected me to put my life on hold......he asked for one year. Now this hasnt made me feel any better as I thought it would, because I have agreed to wait, and I am still looking for signs yet not getting any....and I find it hard to believe it will be any easier for him to leave in a year. I dont know if my story will help you or not because as was already said I think deep inside we all no the answers but are we willing to really face them.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 12:17pm

They stay in it as long as they know you are willing to. What is their incentive to leave? Think of it this way. If you were in a single R with a S guy and he was seeing someone else, would you put up with it? Probably not. Then why is it acceptable because he is M? If his M was so unhappy, so miserable, he'd either already be D or in the process.

If he has said there is no definite date, he is not making any plans to D anytime soon. He is a player. He wants his cake and to eat it too.

My biggest problem in dealing with my A, is knowing he still sleeps with his W. Oh, he told me he wasn't. When I confronted him with that and reminded him that it didn't make sense - she would suspect why not, wouldn't understand him not wanting to, etc. - he finally admitted he still did but told me he wasn't because he didn't want to hurt me knowing it bothered me. Of course it bothered me! I spent so little time with him in comparison with the time he spends with her. The odds were they had to and with much more frequency than he would with me.

And, I know he loves her, they don't have a bad marriage, they don't fight a lot, etc. She's attractive, etc., And, still having sex. So what purpose do I serve? What purpose do you serve? They may have a situation where something spurred them on the have an A, but not a reason to ever leave their W.

Always trust your gut instincts. Face it, he will never leave her. He will keep seeing you as long as you allow it, because it feeds his ego. He is a cheat and cannot be trusted. Do you really want to end up with a guy who's cheated anyway? Do you think you'd be able to trust him not to cheat on you if he ever did leave his W?

Tell him you cannot stay in this and that when he is divorced to call you and that if you are available maybe you can hook up. Then have NC. If he gets the D and you get together, it was meant to be, if not, so have saved yourself a lot of additional heartache and years of pain.

Hugs,

Fire

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 1:03pm

Welcome. Answering your question, NO you're not a fool. You are placing hope in a relationship that has already reached its dead end.


Any married man (or woman) in an affair knows what is required to change an affair into an above board relationship. Your MM already knows that you are enabling him to get what he's not getting from his marriage, albeit at your emotional expense.


In your post you mention that there's been "talk" of ending the marriage yet no definitive timeline. BALONEY. That's double talk for "please help me stay where I am, I don't want to step up and make life changes"


Throwing his wife a party? "Oh I can't hurt her feelings, her birthday is so important to her" or some other gibberish.... That's double talk for "I'll have a birthday party for my wife so she doesn't keep suspecting that our marriage has changed to include my enabling affair partner".


When he tells you he can't leave "because of the kids" or "until the kids are ___ years old", feel free to throw up in his lap on the spot. He's lying. To himself and you. AND he knows it when he says it....


Your friend is wrong. You don't need a sign of commitment. You need a "good-bye--call me only when you can show me your FINAL divorce papers because until then you're not free or available and I AM WORTH MORE than being someone's part time piece on the side"


I know each of these statements from my own personal experience. And I was the MM. And I said all of what you wrote.


Get out ASAP.


For your sake.


Nobody else's.....


You deserve undivided attention in an above board relationship with a SINGLE man.


Nothing less.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 3:06pm

<>

Yep - xMM said that to me too. At first, it was "I am divorced single dad." Then a week later when his wife wrote to me he told me he lied because they were in the process of divorce and he felt they were already there. Then he took her back for a week and then left her for the 4 months we were together. He then went back to her "for the kids". He told me that they had discussed and had decided that right now wasn't the right time for divorce, but that they would when the kids got older (they are 4 and 2 now).

Yeah, whatever. A*****e! See - now I'm getting more mad like Max did. Yay me!

My problem with his story is that SHE left him for 2 months, then he took her back when she wanted to come back home. Then he left after a week only cos she said "if you don't want me, then leave!" so basically SHE kicked HIM out. I feel that no matter what he's been telling me is the reason that he went back home, that SHE finally let him come home is why.

I have never believe for a minute that she decided to just let him come back "for the kids" and that they've not been sleeping in the same room. That's pure PHOOEY that he wanted me to believe. I don't even understand now why it was so important that I believe it because we had stopped sleeping together when he moved back. Ugh! A*****e!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 6:21pm

Right on babe DIVORCE PAPERS.

Free