Im depressed and I just hate it!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Im depressed and I just hate it!!!
8
Sun, 04-04-2010 - 11:04am

So many times I have tried to handle all of this on my own and not come here to EAS. I try to see everything for what it really is, I'm trying to break an addiction, regain my self esteem, let go of the hold XMM has on me and readjust my focus to where it should be...my marriage, H and DS's. Overall, I do really well. I know what I need to do but

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 04-04-2010 - 11:36am

GMLB,


Honey, I'm going to repost some words you wrote to Dee just a couple of weeks ago.


<<>


Perhaps you were having a stronger day at the time, or maybe you just wanted to cheer Dee up, but what you wrote would be what I would have written you. The key here *IS* time, and this is one thing you *can* count on. I'm sorry it doesn't past quickly enough, but looking back now, I wasted a lot of useful time and energy just waiting to feel better, when I could have done so many other things to actually feel better. Living in the present is the real key to healing.


It's Easter. Are you celebrating it with your children and H? I know that I will soon have to start cooking the roast and preparing the potatos. ;-) I just finished the house cleaning and thought I would check the board one last time today.


It's okay to think of XAP. but if those thoughts stir up uncomfortable feelings you need to cut them off and go do something to take your mind off of him. Use the 15 minute rule where you sit with your thoughts for 15 minutes and then that's it. When we shove those feelings down they will just bubble up again. Also self talk can be powerful, as well as having a few memorized affirmations to

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Sun, 04-04-2010 - 11:57am

Hi GMLB-


I am experiencing the exact same feelings as you. I thought I was past this at 66 days out of my A, but I feel worse than I have on this entire journey. This week I cut the last tie- I accepted a new job, so now I really must face the ending... again. We were LC due to work and now that will be done.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 04-04-2010 - 3:21pm

Ok GMLB, here I flow,

I posted a thread saying I am back...so here I go, my first real post in a couple of weeks, GMLB, I am going to do my best to comfort, support and encourage you despite me being in a dark place as of late. Our amazing CL and Jane have chimed in already and said some great things. I am just gonna piggy back on top of them and tell ya what has worked for me when I have felt the sadness you have spoken of in your post.

I have read your posts in the past. I have a good memory. You have resounded in my mind from time to time. MM are attracted to us initially. The allure, the novelty, the excitement they have when they first encounter us is much like that of a teenage boy. They put us on a pedestal. We have power then. It could be because we are attractive, new, funny, smart and sassy, confident. They are likely fantasizing about us before we are about them. We are a lot of fun, especially at first. This is also called the honeymoon phase....great sex, great highs, we have all their attention for a good while, then....suddenly we slowly see ourselves disappear. We are slowly reduced (great post about being reduced, it an oldie but goodie, let me know if you need it...hell, I will just post it, I am sure it will benefit the masses). This reduction is his pivotal. Its this reduction that keeps us in the A, despite us being miserable after the quick high after a recent encounter. It is how we become clingy and needy. Men and esp MM generally do not clingy women, as you described that how you were he would push you away. Typical. Very Typical. You are not fun anymore. You are not there to help carry his baggage anymore, you are part of the baggage weighing him down. Ugh...that ain't what he signed up for.

You are not stuck unless you choose to be. You will get there, but TIME is key. I often say that its not on your side just yet. All your feelings are normal and as was said, ok to have, I think about my MM at least one daily. Sometimes its a thought like what the hell was I thinking even letting that selfish being ever touch me? Other times it is of us in the beginning, before I knew he was M and how I was so enchanted with him and his charm. This is when I need REAL smack in the face, and I remember how that charm turned into more lies than can be counted. Lies that would impact not only my mental healthy, but also my physically health.

Yeah, the absolution of an ending is scary, change is, getting out of something that we thought was comfortable is outright petrifying when you are trying to heal and move on. FINALITY is much like death and has its same grief. So keep that in mind. You are grieving.

So I won't tell you to wake the F up, I will tell you to hang in there. You are up. Its evident in your post. Your just holding on out of fear. You just have to let go. Really let go. You do have so much going for you. The H and DS. His health and recovery our blessings and is what is truly important in your life. Your fam is. Only you can close the door. So work on shutting it and locking it and then walking away from it and not looking back.....

Sounds like IC is helping? If so, keep that up.

You also mentioned the bond you had...that is FOG. What bond between two people is secret and wrong and hurtful to so many, including you? The REAL bond you have is with your H and DS. Never lose that focus. Your focus needs to be on you and them. As our CL said, do your 15 mins or whatever works for you and then up and on your go. Stay busy. Sounds like you are already. Push him out, set goals and follow up and reflect. Working thru this A and truly recovering from it are likely the hardest things we all will ever do. The hardest. Keep that in perspective. This is life changing hard work. I aint talking about those long 3 day cancer walks (which are great BTW). I mean hard work day in and day out. It is a whirlwind of past and present. You will think of how you got in an A and then have to figure out what works for you to stay out of an A and heal and be your best self for you and your family. That is a big time arduous task. NO WALK IN THE PARK. More like a week long walk in a desert and you are hoping the next oasis is always in the near distance. Cuz you can barely breath and survive most the time. Know that the Oasis is there. Just gotta hold on and walk a bit farther.

In closing, do not only come here and post here and there, STAY here, you can not handle this alone. I have yet to come across an individual you licked the A disease alone and w/o some support from someone who has BTDT. I recently suffered severely when I strayed from here. I was foolish. Learn from me, I been around this block a bit more than you. Know that here is where you need to be. Post away. Ladies like me, are here. We will continue to be. See you thru tough days and encourage you more on days like today. Your post clearly says that you know what you need to do. Now its time to clock in and get to sweatin and put in the work. Your brain will shift. The "we still care for one another" stuff will lose it relevance and you will see that it does not matter over time.

Hope I helped you today. Helped me to respond. We take care of and heal ourselves when we give to others....

Besos,

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Sun, 04-04-2010 - 4:51pm

gmlb:


I don't have very much time because I have to leave in a minute to take my sons to their father's home for Easter dinner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 2:47pm

gmlb,


"I feel like I really do have a grasp on knowing and doing what is good for me and my life BUT......I cant move beyond the fear of closing the closet door permanently on this skeleton. Somehow, eventhough its been pretty much over since his W found out, I cant help but think, we still care about eachother, still want the best for eachother but I guess I am seeing how the best for eachother is returning to our individual lives and not looking back. And DAMN, thats scary and depressing."


i agree... i feel i could have written most of your post actually...


.. i am having a VERY hard time most days since xmm's door has been closed. after 4 years i knew i wasn't going to able to move on in a few days, but i am on day 21 and it is still very hard...i miss him and so many things about him (and us) its hard not to think about it...


know you are not alone... it IS scary and depressing.... and very hard work...


lig...

~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 6:29pm

Can I join this pity party.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 7:49pm

Pity party is such the right term. I did call my Dr and ask about upping the milligrams of my anti depressant. Guess it cant hurt anyway. I figure that with all that I have going on in my life, not even counting ending my A, it would make even Mr. Rogers blow a gasket.


Iddy, you are so good at being the CL. You quote me, back to me, and I DID mean those words to Dee and you were right, I was having a much more positive day. Im finding that I cant leave the board and go off on my own for too long because that seems to be when the positive thoughts of XMM creep back in.


The truth is, the A completely destroyed who I am. I am hoping that I can meet with my IC soon and really start to come to terms with why I even entered into this in the first place. Im sure its Daddy issues since I didnt have a relationship with him throughout my entire teen years. But Im hoping to learn how to move past all that so I dont go down this road again. I guess because I am healing more and moving forward, I see the final chapter of this A and it is scary.


Yesterday was the toughest day I have had since it ended. I think the realization of my A being just like everyone elses on here hit me. XMM was/is just as selfish, cowardly and insecure as all of the other XMM I read about on here. He may have loved me, but not enough. He may have been miserable in his marriage, but not enough. And mostly, he may have really wanted me, but not nearly enough, nor

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 8:56am

GMLB-

This quote hits home with me because it sounds just like my DH: DH came upstairs, asked to hug me, and said he doesnt want to argue, he wants to understand more so we can come out of all of this with a better understanding.

So, what you have to realize is you are NOT alone. It sounds like you have an amazing DH who wants to be there for you... let him. I had shut my DH out for so long, it was a struggle to open my heart back to him after the A, but little by little, I have taken down the walls I built around my heart and let him back in... it is an amazing feeling. I always come back to this... xap may have loved me, but he was NOT willing to move mountains to be with me... so the end was inevitable. I thank God everyday that it ended before I lost everything. Now, I am invested fully in making my M work and being able to rely on my H has made this journey a little easier. It took great strength for me- I had to leave the past in the past, just as he is... we move forward together and we let go of the resentment that we had been harboring. It is a scary and painful, yet freeing experience.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/