IM A DISASTER - ANOTHER D-DAY OF SORTS
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| Mon, 08-16-2010 - 4:01pm |
Anyone have a strong martini or Xanex to send my way? Today has been utter hell and I am shaken. Apparently, my sister-in-law who I confided in things about my marriage and she did to me, decided that since she is now in marriage counsling, she would take it upon herself and tell my inlaws everything I told her so she could try to save my marriage too. I seriously want to punch her in the face. Ive called her out via text but no response. I knew better than to trust, I thought she prooved me wrong and apparently not. The inlaws then called my H and started telling him all sorts of stuff I said I was unhappy about. Somewhere along the line they claimed I said I would take the kids from him and I never, ever, ever have said nor do I believe that even if we ended up seperating. So H calls me at work a pissed off and angry, fuming, wouldnt even let me talk (he hates to hear I talk to anyone about him - although most of it true) and he hangs up on me. This SIL knows about my A as well but from what I hear, nothing like that was mentioned. I have no idea what Im going home to tonight but Im thinking I will have to finally fess up and be honest (not about the A) but everything else that makes me so unhappy in my marriage and it could end with us deciding we need time apart.
Rewind back to Thurs and xAP started texting me sorry over and over for dealing with his crazy wife, for claiming we did nothing, saying he didnt think his marriage would work but he needed to at least try, etc. I didnt respond for 3 hours then finally gave in saying I enjoyed our time but what was done is done and please do not contact me because I cant change my number right now and every future text is reopening all the wounds (which I stole from someone on here but it sounded great) and then I told him it would take me time but I would get over him. I got one more text saying "fine, whatever" so that means he was pissed I said that. O well. That text ruined 2 days of NC so now I am back to

I am sorry you are going through all of this too.
Hi Confused,
Wowzers - I was exhausted just trying to process this message; I can't imagine how tired you're feeling. I just wanted to point out a few things that stood out for me in your message in hopes that it might assist you:
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"Apparently, my sister-in-law who I confided in things about my marriage and she did to me, decided that since she is now in marriage counsling, she would take it upon herself and tell my inlaws everything I told her so she could try to save my marriage too."
Like other posters have shared, this is a valuable, although very painful lesson to learn. I can't imagine how it would feel to confide in my in-laws and then have one of them to take it upon themselves to intervene - even if it was with the best of intentions. I think from here on in, you've got to find a therapist to confide in ... or better yet, entering into MC so that you may learn the skills to confide in your H things that HE needs to do to work on the relationship. Confiding in someone else isn't going to assist you in improving your M - only your H can learn to do that with you. If you're just looking to 'blow off steam' that's what friends are for.
"So H calls me at work a pissed off and angry, fuming, wouldnt even let me talk (he hates to hear I talk to anyone about him - although most of it true) and he hangs up on me. This SIL knows about my A as well but from what I hear, nothing like that was mentioned. I have no idea what Im going home to tonight but Im thinking I will have to finally fess up and be honest (not about the A) but everything else that makes me so unhappy in my marriage and it could end with us deciding we need time apart."
I am not sure what to say about this - perhaps the Vets will have some advice for you here. I guess I feel uncomfortable with you confronting your husband with a list of things you are unhappy with in your marriage as an attempt to deflect attention away from the affair. That's just my opinion though. The statement that you will finally fess up and be honest (but not about the A) seems strange. I am sorry that you have gone home to such an unpredictable space. I remember that awful feeling of never being sure what was waiting for me when I got home - whether or not we had been 'caught' again. It was sheer horror and I felt sick all the time. It must be awful wondering if your SIL is going to share information about the affair if she has taken to playing a MC - you're pretty vulnerable to her, to some extent )-:
"Rewind back to Thurs and xAP started texting me sorry over and over for dealing with his crazy wife, for claiming we did nothing, saying he didnt think his marriage would work but he needed to at least try, etc. I didnt respond for 3 hours then finally gave in saying I enjoyed our time but what was done is done and please do not contact me because I cant change my number right now and every future text is reopening all the wounds (which I stole from someone on here but it sounded great) and then I told him it would take me time but I would get over him. I got one more text saying "fine, whatever" so that means he was pissed I said that. O well."
This was a typical fishing attempt and you fell for it Confused. As you now know, breaking NC sets you back. He also managed to get some nice strokes to his ego with your "every future texts opens wounds" ... remember we fake it, until we make it. Yes we can be sad the affair is over, but we NEVER EVER let them see this/know this. If need be, you cancel the phone if you can't block texts. Whatever you need to do - you do to block him.
"I have an ex in town tomorrow night I have not seen in 5 years. He lives out of the country. He wants to do dinner. I dont know if its a good thing at all cause sex could be involved and although it wouldnt be a full fledged A, it would be a rebound just for the purposes of distraction and right now, Im a damn mess."
I will chalk it up to you being totally overwhelmed and confused that you are/were even contemplating this. I am relieved that you can see that this would be just a distraction - and is another affair in the making! You have a marriage to figure out Confused, what is there to even wonder about?
"If I didnt have my precious kids (my life) I would go get a hotel room and cry myself to sleep and hope this all goes away."
If your kids are your life (which I don't doubt for a minute they are) work toward becoming the present mom they deserve. Every time you think about xAP, re-frame this as you allowing someone so insignificant steal you away from them.
Please keep us posted as to how you are doing.
My best,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
WARNING...REALITY CHECK COMING
Woman...you need to get a handle on yourself, on your life, on your husband, on your children...on your REAL life, and stop looking for distractions from whatever you perceive to need distraction from.
confused,
It's no wonder you are confused, scared and exhausted. I can only imagine how many directions you are being pulled. But as Clarity said, you created this. I really don't want to be mean, but please find some time to examine what is happening in your life. And why.
Ask yourself why this is happening. And be honest.
I'm very concerned for you, your innocent children and your marriage.
We've all been involved in an affair, or else we wouldn't be on this board. From what you have told us, in my opinion and viewpoint, you are a ticking time bomb. Sure, things can continue to go on as they are, but do you really want to continue living like that? One piece of advice I can give you is to focus only on you and your children and your marriage. Envelope them, make that the most important things in your life. My own children were almost adults when I was involved in my affair. They were out of my home, but I still felt immense grief and guilt for what I could have done to their lives.
Step back, slow down and take a long honest look at your life. If you want change, then you have to be responsible and make it happen.