I'm doing better than I thought....

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
I'm doing better than I thought....
1
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 4:35pm

I'm not sure if I'm in some wierd state of shock or what not but I'm really doing okay so far in NC. I changed my phone number around a week ago and I haven't called him, not even to hang up! Never before was it like that, if we tried NC I was always going out of my mind. I am thinking about him, but it isn't like I"m ready to do myself in. I think I'm angry that he gave up on us first, and I wasn't happy with sitting around waiting for the once a week (or less) phone call. I can be angry about alot of things that have happened over the years, and I guess that is what is helping me. I may have a bad day though and have a relapse.

H is being a real bastard and I hate him but continue to perservere with alot of his abuse and ridiculous behavior. I don't want to run to XOM for comfort like I used to. Problems with H are a totally different situation and have nothing to do with XOM.

In the meantime for those of you trying to get through NC all I can say is keep busy. With the holidays coming and the gym I don't have alot of time to sit and wallow in self pity. My friends are the best, even though they dont' know that XOM even exists. (they wouldn't understand). Only two of my friends know but for the most part I have been living a secret life.

I may not have a good marriage but atleast I am not cheating on my family anymore. That is pretty much what you're doing if you have children and are having an A. I never wanted to admit that before. Now all my energy is for me and my kids...not over a man that I can't have. I guess I could have had him if I really wanted him...he did love me and needed me....but in order to be with him I would have to get divorced and take my children from the father they adored. XOM is not stable as far as his job and his mental capacity....I love him and he's a good man...but I don't know if I would be happy married to him. He did some horrible things to hurt me and deep in my gut I don't think that I could ever fully trust him and respect him again.

I think that I made the right decision, hopefully in time I will know that I did. I still have my moments that I'm not sure. We all want that scene at the end of the movie that two people in love go against all odds and then wind up happily ever after. REal life doesn't work that way.

Thanks for listening to me rant. I'm really proud of my almost one week of NC and 10 days of not actually speaking to him. If he really wanted to get in touch with me he could have emailed me, so maybe he is thinking that this is best for him too. I don't know what he's thinking, and honestly at this point I don't care. If he shows up on my doorstep which I don't think he would pay the gas money to do I would tell him how hurt I am that he couldn't stick it out with me,etc. BAsically I would tell him off, and what good would that do? Just make me feel better for a few minutes. He promised to love me forever no matter what, he would wait for me. Yeah, okay..wait until he met another woman at work. (oh but she's just a friend...I heard that one before).

Well that is all my ranting and raving for the day. I am so proud of the women on this board that are trying so hard to put the end to their A. I had no clue what I was getting myself into to and how horribly this A would hurt me. Nobody wins in an A...and even if someone does win someone does wind up getting hurt. My H is a real ratbastard but even he didn't deserve to be lied to. Noone does, and when you're the one that was lied to and betrayed let me assure you that it hurts like a pain that crushes your soul.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 6:37pm

Its true your last line SCU2002 about your soul being crushed but you know what? It comes back and you feel so good abput letting go and being honest with your self! YOU GO GIRL...
I'm lurking today, Kind of bored with work!LOL
Your doing the right thing and eventually you are at a place where your at peace with what happend. Good luck to you.
SOUL

Thinking of changing my name soon.