I'm Done

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
I'm Done
15
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 9:27am

My now XAP and I been together for a little over 3 years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: crazy_girl
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 9:59am

Welcome to the board Crazygirl. It's a wonderful, safe, healing place.

<<<>>

Everyone will tell you that your next course of action is to not contact him in any way, shape or form. Since you work with him, you'll have to get advice from others here about LC.

He obviously thinks you are still together because you haven't told him otherwise. I've been there - ignoring or not calling does not translate to the XAP that it's over. You have to say the words, "it's over."

<<<>>

Of course not. He'll deny, make excuses, etc. He sounds like a player and it's up to you to stop being played. Turn the focus to yourself. Start reading everything you can in the Healing Library. You'll get a lot of great advice from everyone here, but it's ultimately up to you what you do with it. You didn't mention if you are married?

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
In reply to: crazy_girl
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 10:29am

Welcome, CG. This is a great place for all committed to ending. Read about NC/LC and really let it sink in. Absorb the necessity of it and then commit to it. When we arrive here, we are at the end of our ropes looking for quick answers to end the pain. It helped me to know that healing is a process that involves setbacks, moments of weakness (don't break the rules of NC/LC), and tears but it is worth it. I recently have had some breakthroughs in my own journey and it is exciting.

You are not an idiot. None of us are. We made bad choices and ignored the little voices in our conscience telling us A's go nowhere. But we are here bettering ourselves and getting to the bottom of why we became AP's in the first place. Sending positive ending thoughts your way. RTG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: crazy_girl
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 11:28am

Hi, CG-

When someone new comes to the board they are welcomed, told to go NC/LC and to read the Healing Library. So... do that! As you read more you'll learn how the first few days of the ending will unfold for you and you'll learn the tools you'll need to be successful.

But, to address your post in particular.... Oh, hell no don't confront him about the numbers. He knows he's an cheating, lying assh*le. You know it too. If you were in a legitimate relationship, you'd confront him - but you're not; your in an affair. Actually, you're ENDING an affair. From this point on, it's all about you taking back your dignity and self respect. Confronting him would lower you and rob you of this opportunity to leave this A with grace and your head held high. If you must let him know that the A is over, make it a very short and to the point email - saying nothing more than something along the lines of "it's over. I will not contact you and I do not want you to contact me." with absolutely no reasons stated, excuses given, or whining about the A or how he treated you. Then, you block and walk. And absolutely DO NOT contact others about him. Revenge and anger is a common response and a lot of us have felt it and even acted upon it. It NEVER goes well. You will end up looking bad, and it will damage your self esteem even more. Please trust me on that!!! If you want to have some sense of power or control in this whole process, you must focus only on yourself - doing otherwise only makes your sense of weakness and vulnerability more intense.

Luckily, feeling like a idiot is not terminal and not permanent. One of the toughest things for me to accept when ending my A, was to admit "yes, I WAS an idiot." -- but I'm not now, and that is what matters. If you don't want to feel/be an idiot anymore, don't. It's very simple.

Sending you hugs and prayers for strength and courage,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: crazy_girl
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 1:08pm

CG,


Welcome to our community and by now I hope you have familiarized yourself with the many threads in the Healing Library. They are designed to help you through the difficult weeks ahead, and especially read "How to maintain LC at the workplace." I've been many years out of my A with my boss and still work with him. You can review some of my posts by doing an advanced search. I used to be Id_diosyncrasy, if your are interested.


What I suggest is to tell him you are done, the next time he were to call at work and pretend all is just dandy

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
In reply to: crazy_girl
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 4:49pm
Hi Crazy. I would first initiate no contact (NC), which includes deleting emails, texts and voice messages without listening/reading them. I wouldn't even bother asking him questions as I am quite sure the answers would be lies. Most APs have more than one OW, mine has 2 besides a W. This is the start of the rest of your life and you deserve someone that can be with you 100%. Welcome:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
In reply to: crazy_girl
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 11:40pm

Hi Dee


So true........If I ever weaken

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
In reply to: crazy_girl
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 11:15am
Thank you for all your support and advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: crazy_girl
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 12:07pm

Wait. what? Noooooooooo.
You don't respond to why you ended the A with "you know what you've done" because it will yank his chain. Wrong attitude!! You are ending the A because it's wrong, destructive, base and it's destroying you and your self esteem and self respect. Riiight? Not because x-AP was a naughty boy - the implication of that is that "if only you'd be a good AP, game on!" And getting your last little dig in, trying to drive him crazy, is also a LOW ROAD.

The point of telling him it's over is to say "it's over" and not leave the door open for future contact; it's not to replay the A or address the 'whys' as if any of it is open for debate or discussion.

Maybe you should prepare a script for EAS review before you tackle Monday?

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: crazy_girl
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 12:38pm

CG,


<<>


Dee is right. This is why you should be ending it, and saying anything but "I'm done" is a waste of time and energy, and will fall of deaf ears or just

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2007
In reply to: crazy_girl
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 2:27pm
Yes I am ending this A because It has destroyed my self esteem and

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