I'm dying inside......

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
I'm dying inside......
6
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:31pm
Hi,

I posted a few times on the other board (affair support)...now I'm here. I am so unbelieveably sad it feels like I'm dying inside. To try to be brief, started an affair

1 1/2 years ago, had to finally end it six weeks ago as I couldn't handle the mental angst I was feeling daily as I'm married and have no intention of leaving husband. He's a great guy (husband), I was just bored and tempted and made the worse mistake of my marriage and my life by doing this. It started as a purely sexual attraction and then you know us women, I let me heart become involved and knew I couldn't continue so I had to walk away. Now I've just heard the other man has found another. Other man is single now and so is the woman he's with so I assume they'll skip down some happy little lane together while I sit here and ache for something and someone that could never have been and try to somehow become attached again to my husband. I wish I could take it all back....I would never have stepped outside of my world and created this much pain for myself which is unbelievable at times.

I would truly like to think things will get better for me but I'm tired of waiting for this heartache to go away. Please someone tell me that it will. My parents death did not even cause this much misery...how sad is that.

I have no one to talk to so I'm here. Thanks for 'listening'.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:55pm
maree -

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!

I too am married, and feel that I made a huge mistake getting involved.

I ended it 8 weeks ago, but it still hurts.

Please email me if you need to vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 3:07pm
Maree,

You did the right thing. This will go away in time. I'm only 3 weeks from ending my A, and I couldn't be more relieved. And now my H and I are separated. All I feel is sadness and regret about hurting my H, because he knows about A. Try to find a way to work through your feelings about OM. It will get better with time. In the meantime, be grateful you and H are still intact. That is a great thing. You'll feel better soon. I do. I don't miss him, have no desire to see him, and I could! I'm not in our home. I could be living it up with OM. No, thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:29pm
Maree,

Everyone here can relate to your situation, so you are not alone. I am only going on one week of NC (with a couple of setbacks) and it's gotten easier every day. It's a struggle, and some parts of the day are harder to deal with than others, but I am doing it, because I have no choice but to deal with it (MM ended it), and also because I know in my heart it's the right thing to do. I have been thinking about the pain and anguish I am feeling, and equate it to the pain that my H would feel if he knew what I was doing to him. So, somehow this makes me feel better.

I have found solace, friendship and unbelievable support on this board. No matter what you are feeling - post it, because someone here has felt the same and can help you get past this. I wish you luck and peace in the decision you have made. You can do this, we all can.

Hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 5:25am
HI, Thank you so much for replying. I feel a little better than I did, some days are harder than others. My biggest problem is living here with my H and knowing my heart wants another. I hope and pray I will fall in love with my H again, but right now my heart isn't in it.

It's wonderful to know there is somewhere to go where people know the pain I'm feeling. Thanks so much to all that replied. It meant a lot to me. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 8:52am
Maree

It will get better

You need to do NC completely including listing to stories about XOM, focus on your hubby you can reattach but you have to keep XOM out of the picture compleltly in every way, mean while keep busy and plan some nice time out with hubby some dates and LONG CONVERSTION TIMES.

Hang in there you will make it.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 9:53am
I can relate. I am currently waffling between both boards right now myself. To make a long story short, I ended my A with MM because my so called best friend was threatening to tell him after he got back from a business trip! So...I figured if anyone was going to tell my H it was going to be me. H sent flowers the next day, the so called best friend and I no longer speak, and MM sent an e-mail telling me that he would always be there for me. He was going to finally divorce his wife as he realized that there was happiness out there somewhere to be had. Well, I had a weak moment yesterday, e-mailed him and told him I wanted to fire things up again. Have I lost my mind? My H has a very low sex-drive - always has. He's in his mid-thirties, as am I. MM is 45, needs no porn, viagra, or anything else to rev him up -- he says I'm all he needs. But alas, here I sit, waiting for that little IM to turn orange to let me know MM's at work and thinking of me. Isn't this pathetic?

Sorry for rambling guys -- I'm so thankful that there are places here where we can talk to other people in our situations. I didn't realize there were so many other women out there in my exact situation.