I'm on an emotional roller coaster!
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| Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:04pm |
Yes, I'm riding on an emotional roller coaster! And I can't seem to get OFF! I've never loved anyone as much as I love the MM I'm involved with.
From the beginning: I knew this guy for a couple of years before we actually started dating. I knew he was M. I was M too, but separated from my spouse, with a divorce pending. When we started the relationship I was instantly captured by his charm, sensitivity, sex appeal, and his compassion for life. He had me, hook, line and sinker! He said he was very unhappy in his M and wanted out. He too was seeking a divorce. After some time he left his W and moved in with me. Several months later I found out he was cheating on me, with his WIFE! How could he, living in my house?! I felt betrayed. He apologized, all teary eyed, explaining he couldn't see himself without me and it was me he wanted and not his wife! Of course this was music to my ears. I simply adored him. I accepted his apology. Would you believe he continued to sleep with his W? Every time he had an excuse, which I accepted. This went on for about a year. Finally I said enough was enough. This going back and forth between his W and I...I was just not having it! I asked him to leave. He did and found a nice house to stay. He even invited me over. Said I should give him sometime to get himself in order, because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me! Guess what? A few months later he had his W and family move in. He said her lease on her apartment expired and she had no place to go. I was devastated. My house was on the brink of foreclosure, and he knew this.
Talk about stupid...I continued the relationship for two more years. I couldn't see myself without him. He said he made a bad, hasty decision when he moved his W in. He regretted it! No matter how much I tried to convince myself I needed to end the relationship, I'd fall victim, over and over and over again, whenever he called. He'd come to my house and stay for a couple of hours. Shortly thereafter, he'd get up, clean himself up, put his clothes on and go back home to his W. Mind you, his W, so he claimed, made his life a living hell. He said she didn't do the things I did to make him feel like a man. He loved her, but he was in love with me. My question to him was, "If you're so damn miserable, then why not LEAVE?!" It just didn't make any sense to me. It seemed like the more I addressed the issue the worst he got! I gave him an ultimatum. I even went out on a couple of dates. (No intimacy involved. As far as I was concerned, no matter how he treated me, my body belonged to him!) I thought this would help him make up his mind. NOT! It backfired! Two wrongs don't make a right! He became immune to my hurt. It didn't matter anymore how I felt as long as I was giving him the 'booty' whenever he wanted it. When I'm lying in bed alone at night, he's not concerned I cry myself to sleep. Eventually I found myself bickering and complaining every time he'd come around. We'd start off enjoying each other's company to the fullest. When it was time for him to go, I'd get ANGRY all over again.
One day, not so long ago, I asked why am I subjecting myself to such foul behavior? Why am I settling for being second to someone when I know I deserve to be FIRST?! Why am I sharing someone's HUSBAND? Why am I tormenting myself like this? Why give him my absolute and complete being when it's not reciprocated?
Even though I ask myself these questions and acknowledge what's going on, I still have not fully come to my senses. In our last conversation he stated he's not intentionally trying to hurt me. I said, "BUT YOU ARE!" and hung up the phone. Its been a month since I've heard from him. It hurts like hell! I tell you, temptation is a son-of-a-gun. I'm tired of riding on this emotional roller coaster though!
These past few weeks, I've had time to re-evaluate. Little by little, I'm beginning to see the relationship for what it really is and the selfish bastard he is! He doesn't care about me nor does he regards his W's feelings. Hell, my happiness is at stake here. As long as I allow this man to have his cake and eat it too, he will continue to disrespect my feelings and have me straddling the fence. My sister once told me as long as I keep feeding this man 'Alpo' he will continue to be the 'DOG' he is. Despite what he says, I realize now, he will NEVER leave the safety, security and comfort of his home nor divorce his wife for me. More importantly, I have to regain my self-respect. The fact is I'm no better then he, simply because I'm screwing him, knowing he's committed to someone else? How can I title myself 'LADY'?
My divorce has been finalized. He hasn't even begun the process. There's a saying that goes, 'If the divorce papers are not signed, then he's truly not mine!' I lost a beautiful home and my business. When in love, it can make you do strange things. Things you wouldn't normally do in your right frame of mind.
These past three years, I reaped no benefits whatsoever. Only misfortune and a broken heart!
I'm forcefully walking away and trying not to look back. It's hard! The pain sometimes unbearable. But I have to do this for my own well being. If not, I will drive myself mentally insane. They say time heals broken spirits. I wish time would hurry! I've grown so bitter. I don't believe I will ever give all of myself to another again. I have a lot of healing to do.
Someone, please talk to me...

ALL I can say is BEEN THERE - DONE THAT!
Not to the extent you have... but I had the affair too - and put my happiness on the back burner for him... only to realize... he never came to me when I needed him or when *I* was hurting... but when HE wanted me I was ALWAYS available - how is that fair!?
You have GOT to find your self respect and stop putting up with this... you've apparently had ATLEAST 2 men come into your life who find you attractive - physically and nonphysically - do you really find it THAT hard to believe there isn't atleast ONE MORE man out there that will feel that way about you too AND be available to love you the way you deserve?
I can't do anything for you by reply immediately - ULTIMATELY it comes down to you! It comes down to YOU thinking you are worth more - YOU believing the way he's treated you is WRONG - YOU understanding that it WILL hurt and it might be hard to get over - but one of these days... this roller coaster you've been on will seem like a thing of the past and better things will be in your future and you'll be ready to prepare yourself for them!
I've 4 months into my "recovery" LOL and it JUST hit me 3 days ago that I don't want to return to the roller coaster - and I'm NOT going to! And now I'm EXCITED for what I CAN have - with or WITHOUT a man! I too, was bitter and felt like I'd NEVER get close to another man - and I still probably have issues to deal with where all that is concerned - but atleast right now I feel like... I WILL love again someday - but ONLY someone who is worth it and is giving back as much as I give and as much as I need - THEN it will be worth it! :)
I do think 4 months is a pretty quick time to get over an affair - but I wanted out for a good 6 months before I was out... and my MM is ver strong willed so NC truly became NC - and THAT is a true healer!!!!! It's hard but the longer you can go without taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back the BETTER off you are!
I wish you the best because I DO believe you need to get out - it sounds like your MM is ONLY concerned with himself - which isn't abnormal for MM - but it's NOT fair to you and you can tell him it's not fair till you are blue in the face... it won't change anything - that is up to you!
God's best to you!
Post as much as you need - it WILL help! :)
"I've grown so bitter. I don't believe I will ever give all of myself to another again. I have a lot of healing to do." I'm glad you're trying to walk away. I've been trying but I haven't been strong enough yet to stay away. I keep going back. I feel like a fool. In my world love=pain and therefore I imagine that someday when I'm finally rid of this A, I will never love again, by choice. It's not worth the emotional rollercoaster. I feel like you, that this will drive me mentally insane. I'm already on antidepressants. And I still cry a lot. So I can't imagine what I'd be like if I was taking them. Thank G-d for my 2 boys. They keep me here on earth.
Doesn't it make you sick to your stomach to think that these MM still have sex with someone else (their wives) and then with us? I feel like throwing up when I think of it. My MM swears he hasn't slept with his wife in over 2 years (we've been together 3). I believe him. But then I read everyone's stories here and I figure I'm just kidding myself if I'm stupid enough to believe him. I mean, he has a woman in his house all the time. He can get some whenever he wants. Not just when he can steal some time with me.
I know how frustrated you are. But this is the best time to point out all of the reasons that you DO NOT need to be with this man.
1. He only moved his wife back in and family because they didnt have a place to stay? No sorry, that doesnt fly. I am sure sure sure sure sure that his wife has some kind of family and friends. He was NOT her only option. He was NOT the only place she had to go. There ARE other alternatives. Maybe she didnt like her alternatives, but there HAD to be someone else that could have helped her. Now I am not saying that he should turn his children away ever, he could have took the kids in and asked her to live elsewhere and when she got on her feet they could share custody of the kids. He CHOSE to let her live there because his cake plate lost its ice cream. If you are given the choice to have either cake or ice cream but not both, you WILL choose one or the other. If his relationship with you was rocky, then he went to her.
2. If he has no respect for his wife, then he has no respect for you. OBVIOUSLY. You do not need someone who will not and has not ever had enough repsect for you to be honest with you about how he felt. If he cheated on her with you, and then cheated on you with her, then he went back to living with her, you WILL NOT be the last A he has. Even if he left his wife TODAY and moved back in with you, he would eventually cheat on you again. Maybe not with his wife, but certainly with someone else. He has proven that what you offer him, is not what he wants. You could offer him the moon, but he still wants more.
3. If he complains about his wife, he is full of SH&T. How bad of a person can she be when she is still willing to work out a marriage with him KNOWING what he has done to her? It sounds to me like she truly loves him or else she would have moved on when he left her to be with you. If he has lied to you about her, dont you think he has lied to her about you? Can you even imagine what kind of person he has made you out to be to his W, all to make himself look like a saint? EFF that!! You deserve better. If he says he isnt sleeping with her, then he is even more full of it, and the reason I know this is because for most ALL women, when making up in a relationship, that means making love. To women, our proof of love is love making. If our partner can make love to us after all the fights then in some small way it justifies their actions, or for a time keeps us content to be there. He HAD to make love to her in order for her to be willing to work this out with him. NO WOMAN will stay with a man who says he is willing to let her live there and love her, but wont sleep with her. That is just the hard core truth.
You are sooooo much better and wiser that he gives you credit for. You are better than even yourself gives you credit for. You need to know and understand that this man is NOT and never will be the right man for you. It hurts like hell and wow the ride is awful, but we have the CHOICE to let go. We have to see that we are worth more than a daily dose of poison. We are priceless... You deserve to be loved openly and honestly, and you deserve to have great happiness... do not let this ONE man determine your happiness. When you discover that YOU are the only one on this earth that can make you happy then the ride will stop and you will be free to live a happy and normal life that you have needed for so long!!!
All my support and hugs,
H2H
Your XMM sounds like a FERTILIZER sales man, cause it sure is a big pile of B/S he has been sewing in your field.
The truth is if a man really wants to be with a woman NOTHING short of being dead will stop him.
Your a smart woman that is clear and you have XMM all figured out, so now you have to do the hard thing and have NOTHING to do with him ever again NO CONTACT of any sort, that is were the healing begins, I will not kid you it is not quick or easy but it will happen.
You will love again, you will give your heart again, you will just be a little more carefull to whom you give it, there are still some great guys out there that know how to take good care of the women they love there not all like XMM by any means.
Hang in there
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