I'm the fisher.
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| Fri, 12-04-2009 - 12:45am |
In brief, I feel like a fraud, even to myself. I want this A to be over, definitely! I want to heal. BUT!
I miss my xAP and I still love him even if I'm angry about some stuff that went on between us.
I realize the A is wrong and I'm trying so hard to tow the line, repeat the mantras, convince myself I'm better off-- and I DO want to be a better person. I'm SICK over how I've been to myself and to my family over the past 19 months. HOWEVER,I feel like a piece of my heart has been carved out. I really, really miss him. the pain is overwhelming. I can't sleep. I cry daily. the past month has be a fn living HELL. and so... today... I fished. I totally let myself down. Myself, my family, my xAP and hey! even you guys. Totally weak. totally stupid. But, I'm is so much pain. I guess I justified that if I spoke to xAP, he could soothe me. but, guess what? This is what he sent in reply and I am sooooo ashamed and so belittled and soooooooo amazingly proud of him for sending it:
"Contact between us goes against everything you've read, and what we understand. It is not on the road to recovery. I appreciate the reassurance. It came at the right time, as I was thinking of contacting you today, due to my uneasiness. I feel a lot better now - at least about that. If it needs to be said, you also have no worries about secrecy. The choices we make now are between ourselves and our families. "
I am the biggest loser. Now, I have to deal with the fall out of breaking NC. Now I have to wonder if, um, like... "is he mad at me? is that why he's so cold?" "did he love me or not? how could he be so unreassuring?" and so on and so forth. My fault. And I also have to deal with the fact that I got in the way of the "road to recovery" of someone I really care about. I'm the GD "Fisher" that all the ladies on this site are so wigged out about! EW. I'm so grossed out by myself. Nothing from the break up date (11/3) to today has hurt as much as this. Nothing has hurt as much as that email. And, even worse, I can't be mad at him about it... I admire him for it. He's stronger than I am and obviously more focused. I'm at least happy for him that he's recovering and working on his issues.
Now, I need to do the same. I'd rather curl up and die, but that is not really an option right now.
Oy.

deeulta-
Thanks for posting this message.
Dee
As I read your post, all I could think of was addict...addict in withdrawals.
Thanks Willa and Clarity. Willa, knowing that that post helped you is certainly a silver lining. I do hope that sharing that pain will somehow help others to not make the same stupid mistake, resist the impulse, and learn from my set back. I wish I'd learned better from reading the many other posts on this board that say the same thing, but I guess I'm still fooling myself (no longer) that my A and my xAP were somehow 'special'. Clarity was right - they're all the same.
I had a mini nervous breakdown last night. Breaking NC, that email, the rejection, a fight with my husband and stresses at work.... I ended up crying uncontrollably for about an hour. Sat in the shower and bawled until the water went frigid cold. Then, I tried to talk to my H about feeling "hopeless, depressed, angry", and it went horribly wrong. I was hostile and raging and I'm not even sure how much of it was anger and disappointment in him and how much was directed towards me and my xAP. My mother is visiting and she convinced me to go with her to the Emergency Room, thinking that they would give me some medication to calm me down. Also, I told her I have fleeting thoughts of suicide and so she freaked out and insisted I go to the hospital. Long story short, the ER was a bad idea. All they do there is assess that you're not an imminent threat to yourself or others (I'm not), decide if you need to be forcibly committed to the psychiatric hospital or if you're a candidate for out-patient counseling. Spending 3 hours in the ER in the middle of the night, leaving without even so much as valium, and being humiliated and embarrassed beyond measure? omg. How has my life been reduced to _this_?!
I'm waiting now for my Dr.'s office to open so I can get an appointment. I'm going to get my hormone levels checked (welcome to middle age!) and ask him for medication to help me get through this.
As far as contacting xAP again? never. That email was so cold, it broke my heart. I suspect he's mad about something -- not unusual for him. He was always mad at me about something. He'd rake me over the coals about even minor sh*t, making me defend and apologize and basically making me feel horrid. He'd never forgive and he'd never let it go. Reading that email brought that former pain all back into crystal clear focus. One of the things that I was most thankful for about ending the A was that I was finally free from the stress of his browbeating. Whatever he's angry about now, I don't have to worry about or try to fix - thank God. Still, I'm hurt that he couldn't have shown some tenderness towards me. I'm also stung that he made it clear that the only reason he thought about contacting me was to get reassurance that I wouldn't rat on him. He's not concerned about me, only that I'm not going to spill the beans about our A to my H. Niiiice. But, you know, he said it best... "The choices we make now are between ourselves and our families". I don't know about you but I read that to mean, "we don't owe anything to each other anymore, not tenderness, support, commiseration... nothing. All of the choices we make moving forward are for the benefit of ourselves and our families. I'm not considering YOU in my choices, and you don't have to consider me." wow. so true. I guess that means I am released from any promises I made him? I am released from considering him and his well-being in all respects? Yes, I am. Gee, why did I need HIM to tell me that to truly believe it?? I think it took him giving me that slap in the face to get me out of my dumba$$ fog. (ladies, don't let X being a jackass be the impetus for 'waking up'; there are so many more productive and helpful ways to reach that conclusion than putting your head on the railroad track as I did.)
Ok, time to call the Dr. and get my crazy pills. ;)
I'm really thankful that I have this board to rely on - thank you all for our constant love and support. I'd be much worse off without you. You're really the only place I have to turn with all of my mess, and the burden of carrying this all on my own would be unbearable.
Dee
You are not a fraud, you made a mistake...that's all. We all make them. I am by far in any position to really offer you good advice b/c over the past 3 1/2 years I have made more mistakes than I can count. I can now say thankfully I was the only one to get hurt by them.
I had more endings with my xMM than I can count
Hang in there...I have fished before. U r not alone, we women fish too. I broke NC because I had to because I was pregnant by a man I did not know was married, but that was an excuse. I am no longer pregnant and shut him down just today. I can only imagine how I will feel weeks from now. I now have no excuses to contact him. I have blocked him every way I could..I asked him to block me just in case I got weak.
dont beat yourself up. we are all guilty. i am sorry you are hurting. i know how you feel. one week of NC almost killed me. Please continue to come here and post, I will be here, so will others. i will probably need you in a few days. I hope this helps...I will post more when i have more time
edited to put under Sienna's thread.
Thanks again, Everyone, for the support and advice.
Update for me: Dr. prescribed Paxil for depression and anxiety and Lunesta for insomnia. I am so so so excited to take my sleeping pill tonight. I have sleep well in two years or more, and all the stress from my A ending hullabaloo pity party has made the last month a sleepless nightmare. I might actually sleep 8 whole hours tonight!!! Can you _believe_ it! Whoo-hoo.
G'night, All! Keep posting! The stories are invaluable.
Cheers,
Dee