I'm glad I found this place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2014
I'm glad I found this place.
8
Fri, 02-07-2014 - 3:03pm

I am a married woman who was involved in an affair with a married man since January 25th 2013.  It began after one drunken incident at a conference. After this he began pursuing me and calling me, talking to me and sharing things about himself. At first I was just happy to have the attention. I didn't see the danger since we live 2,800 miles apart. We only spoke a couple times a week, then it began to intensify.

By the time April rolled around, we were falling for each other. It was an intense attraction, he showered me with compliments and attention and he always said he was shocked that someone like me would have an interest in him. In May we met in his home town and we were intimate, we told each other we loved one another. I felt like I would have left my husband of 10 years for this man. He told me he could not leave his wife of 26 years because his grown children would never speak to him again - he said he was "bound".  Stupid me, I decided that I didn't want to banish him from my life, I was too deeply attached to the way he made me feel about myself.

We continued... he came to my town for a week and I was able to spend 3 nights with him. It was stressful. When he left, we were fighting over his choice to stay with his wife and the impossibility of him ever being with me. He would say "I never promised you anything". That would hurt me deeply.  

We carried on, then in November it became almost unbearable to be apart and to carry on. He tried to end it. I refused to let him go so we continued. It was different after that. He would look at me and I could tell he was saddened inside. I couldn't let him go though.

We saw each other again last month, we spent 5 nights together at a conference [we work for the same company, different departments, different states with very little interaction]. When we returned we spoke about when we would see each other again and began realizing that last year was a fluke. We wouldn't be able to see each other for possibly another year. I offered to come to his city and lie to my husband if he would meet me. He said he wouldn't be able to do that, it would be too suspicious. Then when I objected he quickly said 'well, we'll see..."  I was pissed, I told him I was planning a vacation with my husband and it was too much for him, he said that the pain at this point out weighed the pleasure and he couldn't go on not being able to see me and knowing that I was still intimate with my husband.  He couldn't get past imagining me with another man.  I told him he left me no choice but to continue in my current situation and I intended to make the best of it.  He said I deserved better, that  I should be with someone that can be with me always. I told him it was his choice, but really this time I didn't fight it. I wanted to be out too. It was a nice ending, I told him I loved him and he said I love you too... he said he was sorry and that was it. 

It's been almost 3 full days of no contact. I ache for him, my entire being craves this stupid man. I don't want to contact him, I need to be done with this. It's the best thing for me. He wasn't making me happy, not with myself, not with my life, he only detracted from my life value and it killed my self esteem. Yet... that addiction to hear his words, to hear him say my name, to tell me he loves me, to tell me I'm beautiful.  I feel so pitiful and weak and my head is telling me all the right things, but my heart. It aches. 

I keep looking at his office instant messenger to see if he's online. The temptation to say something is so great but I won't. It's been such a difficult 3 days. I sob in the shower, in the bathroom at the office, while I drive to work. I keep trying to tell myself, it's like a broken arm. It hurts for a while and then gets better and better. 

I am so happy to have found this board. I want to make things right with my husband. Now my mind is shifting to how horrible I've been to him this past year. How lonely he must have felt. I don't know if he's suspicious or not. He is the most kind, loyal man I have ever known and I hate myself for doing this to him. 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 02-07-2014 - 10:57pm

Welcome, Justme :)

I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.  I hope sharing your story in the safety of this forum has helped a little.  Most don't have anyone to share their experience and get support as they grieve the ending. Also, putting it all down in black and white tends to bust the fantasy of the affair, makes us assess our behavior and can snap us back to reality.  

The affair may have been fantasy, but our feelings are real; and the feelings you are experiencing are normal. The back and forth between our heads and hearts can be agonizing as it takes the heart longer to reconcile.

I'm glad you had a formal ending so everyone is on the same page. For your own protection and so you don't continually impede the healing process, you should stop looking for him on instant messaging...and delete his number. As you can see, you are tempted at times to reach out.  You say you won't, but sometimes those urges are so dang strong, you pretty much need to shut it all down all avenues of communication...it's really to save yourself from yourownself.

Is there anyone you can talk to? Did you ever confide in a friend?  

I hope you have had a chance too to read some of the other posts here and hope you talk a stroll through our Healing Library where I know you will gain some comfort and the strength to stay the course.  

Is it possible to set yourself up with a therapist?  It's so important to do so...I can't stress it enough.  A professional can help you get to the bottom of your issues as well as support and guide you through the ending process.  We are here, of course, but helping you dig deep to get to those core issues is beyond our scope.

And if you have a chance, check out the Baggage Reclaim site. It is by far THE best site for gaining new perspective.

So, there's plenty to read to distract you when you have an itch.  

About whether or not a spouse suspects?  I think they always do.  We more often than not do not behave as cool as we believe and even the subtlest of shifts are perceptible. They may not be able to put their finger on it, but they know when their spouse has gone missing.  I'm glad you want to plug yourself back into your marriage.  You got a lot of grieving to do, it's going to take time and some distance out to start feeling like you are back on solid ground.  

I check the Board throughout the day, so please feel free to post in for support any time.  You don't have to go this alone.  Others pop in occasionally as well.  And please come here if you need to be talked off the ledge. Come here BEFORE you jump ;)

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2014
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 8:24am
Thank you for your response. It's been a very difficult 24 hours, and thinking of him constantly. I keep telling myself I know it'll get better. I have been thinking about going back to a therapist I was seeing years ago and I think I might just do that. I've been reading baggage reclaim for months now and have found a lot of help and perspective there. Really really helps to have someone online I can confide in and be able to reach out to. I have told one of my girlfriends and she's been very supportive throughout. I just feel like I can't constantly be burdening her she's newly married, with all of this stuff. Your words have helped me. I've decided that to replace him I'm going to work out like crazy so I'm on my way to spinning now and I'm going to try and spin him out of my head.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 02-08-2014 - 5:08pm

Working out is good!  It triggers those feel-good endorphins....wayyyy healthier an endeavor :)  I had to divy up all my pain and angst amongst my friends.  I can't believe they remained my friend...G-d bless, them because  I even bored myself to death.

Post in and let us know how you are doing.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2014
Sun, 02-09-2014 - 8:27am
I am struggling today and last night too. I did a stupid thing and went into my deleted yahoo account to see if there were any emails. Nothing of course, I deleted it again but doing that made me feel sick with pain. It's been 4 days of no contact and it's so hard. I miss him. I can't stop wondering what he's doing, if he hurts as much as me, has he changed his mind about us. I have dreams about him. Last night we had friends over and there were moments that I didn't think of him at all. My husband and I spend some fun time together listening to music and I told him I loved him and I was affectionate with him for the first time in a year. He wanted to have sex but I just couldn't and I feel so guilty about it. This morning l just feel like I want to talk to my ex and I want to hear him tell me all those nice things. I cried on and off yesterday, it seems like after a cry session I feel a little better. I know this is the best thing but it's so difficult and I'm so lonely for him. I can't fathom that I will never speak to him again. It makes things worse because I will see him next year in January and I worry about that. I hate that I'm in this situation, I keep telling myself time will make it better but how much time!?!? I'm going insane, I don't know if I'm strong enough time resist the temptation to reach out and it sucks. Going to go to yoga today and also work. I've neglected my job and I'm failing at it so I have to pull it together before I lose that too. Thanks for being there.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 02-09-2014 - 12:55pm

It's rough...we understand.  The urges come in waves and yeh, sometimes you feel you've been slammed. I promise you that time and distance out will begin to work their magic.  Right now you are in the thick of it, but it will ease up as long as you stay the course and keep moving foward and away.

How about looking at some family photos prior to knowing JAM (that's just a man).  You lived an entire life before this guy entered your life.  He's not all that and more.  Remember, he was cheating on his family, too. The affair was nothing more than two dysfunction people feeding off each others' weakness. He just unlocked feelings that were already there..inside of you.  It could have been anyone who came along at the ripe time.  It's not him you crave..it's how he made you feel.  

Do not reach out to your source of pain.  Keep doing as you are doing...re-connecting with your reality. It's already having an effect.  You didn't think about him...you enjoyed yourself.  Anytime you feel yourself starting to slip into backward thinking, do something that re-connects you to your loved ones.

Hang in there, Justme.  You can do this!

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2014
Mon, 02-10-2014 - 1:58pm

Hi Justme:

I hear your pain and can totally empathize.  When you said: "Yet... that addiction to hear his words, to hear him say my name, to tell me he loves me, to tell me I'm beautiful.  I feel so pitiful and weak and my head is telling me all the right things, but my heart. It aches. "  it totally articulated how I feel everyday since NC.  

You came to the right forum.  I have found the support here to be so helpful to get through what feel like overwhelming urges and to stay strong.  I keep reminding myself what Clarity pointed out "It's not him you crave..it's how he made you feel.  ".  I am newly pained as well and wish I could tell you it will all be okay ....but for now I can offer you my support and let you know that you are not alone. 

Avatar for ananemus
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2013
Sun, 02-16-2014 - 1:27pm
Hi Justme I hope that you are maintaining your NC. It certainly seems that you are doing your homework, reading the recommended resources. This is very much like a recovery from an extreme addiction that blows off other types of addictions since this is filled with deceit, not only to yourself, but to your family. I will also recommend that you start reading the boards from survivinginfidelity.com REAL stories of spouses and lives being destroyed after the discovery of an affair are a must read for all those who ever got into affairs (including myself). Anan

The past is done, the future has yet to come. Live in the present moment honestly with few chances of regret.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sun, 02-16-2014 - 11:18pm

Hi Justme,

The beginning is moment by moment. Sometimes you have to take things in small segments.  Do you journal? It is helpful if you can give your thoughts and emotions a voice.  You can give yourself a set time during the day to think about the A and write down what you are thinking and feeling. After that, each thought that pops into your head you can tell yourself that you will write about it tomorrow during your journal time.

Try not to focus on January. January next year is a long way off. Set a goal for this week. Then for a month and so on. Focus on the here and now. Anything can change in a year. Either of you could switch departments or jobs.  

Post in and let us know how you are doing.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.