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|Fri, 02-07-2014 - 3:03pm|
I am a married woman who was involved in an affair with a married man since January 25th 2013. It began after one drunken incident at a conference. After this he began pursuing me and calling me, talking to me and sharing things about himself. At first I was just happy to have the attention. I didn't see the danger since we live 2,800 miles apart. We only spoke a couple times a week, then it began to intensify.
By the time April rolled around, we were falling for each other. It was an intense attraction, he showered me with compliments and attention and he always said he was shocked that someone like me would have an interest in him. In May we met in his home town and we were intimate, we told each other we loved one another. I felt like I would have left my husband of 10 years for this man. He told me he could not leave his wife of 26 years because his grown children would never speak to him again - he said he was "bound". Stupid me, I decided that I didn't want to banish him from my life, I was too deeply attached to the way he made me feel about myself.
We continued... he came to my town for a week and I was able to spend 3 nights with him. It was stressful. When he left, we were fighting over his choice to stay with his wife and the impossibility of him ever being with me. He would say "I never promised you anything". That would hurt me deeply.
We carried on, then in November it became almost unbearable to be apart and to carry on. He tried to end it. I refused to let him go so we continued. It was different after that. He would look at me and I could tell he was saddened inside. I couldn't let him go though.
We saw each other again last month, we spent 5 nights together at a conference [we work for the same company, different departments, different states with very little interaction]. When we returned we spoke about when we would see each other again and began realizing that last year was a fluke. We wouldn't be able to see each other for possibly another year. I offered to come to his city and lie to my husband if he would meet me. He said he wouldn't be able to do that, it would be too suspicious. Then when I objected he quickly said 'well, we'll see..." I was pissed, I told him I was planning a vacation with my husband and it was too much for him, he said that the pain at this point out weighed the pleasure and he couldn't go on not being able to see me and knowing that I was still intimate with my husband. He couldn't get past imagining me with another man. I told him he left me no choice but to continue in my current situation and I intended to make the best of it. He said I deserved better, that I should be with someone that can be with me always. I told him it was his choice, but really this time I didn't fight it. I wanted to be out too. It was a nice ending, I told him I loved him and he said I love you too... he said he was sorry and that was it.
It's been almost 3 full days of no contact. I ache for him, my entire being craves this stupid man. I don't want to contact him, I need to be done with this. It's the best thing for me. He wasn't making me happy, not with myself, not with my life, he only detracted from my life value and it killed my self esteem. Yet... that addiction to hear his words, to hear him say my name, to tell me he loves me, to tell me I'm beautiful. I feel so pitiful and weak and my head is telling me all the right things, but my heart. It aches.
I keep looking at his office instant messenger to see if he's online. The temptation to say something is so great but I won't. It's been such a difficult 3 days. I sob in the shower, in the bathroom at the office, while I drive to work. I keep trying to tell myself, it's like a broken arm. It hurts for a while and then gets better and better.
I am so happy to have found this board. I want to make things right with my husband. Now my mind is shifting to how horrible I've been to him this past year. How lonely he must have felt. I don't know if he's suspicious or not. He is the most kind, loyal man I have ever known and I hate myself for doing this to him.