Im having bad week - need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Im having bad week - need support
6
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 10:29am

I have been pretty good as far as getting upset about everything that has happened with XMM. This week has been pretty hard on me though. I don't know why but I keep rehashing everything in my mind and replaying things over and over. I have been so good about this and then bam it just hits me again. It has been 10 weeks with NC. I can't believe it has been that long. I know we could never be together and I know it had to end but I can't help for wondering why he didn't call me back when I asked him too. I guess he just didn;t miss me like I really miss him. He told me the last time I was talking about ending it that he said he wouldn't be calling me if he didn't want to talk to me. Its funny how they can just move on and not look back. I don't know if that is what he is doing but it feels like it. One of our last conversation was that I told him I was having a hard time with this (ending it) but this is what we needed to do. He said he was having a hard time too and didn;t want it to end. How can he say that and then a week later not wnat to talk to me. Doesn't make sense and I will never know that answer. I hate that he wanted to get together and talk about everything and I said no and we talked on the phone. Of course thats not the same and we didn't end it when we talked and agreed to talk more the next day. If anyone knows my story you know what happened.

I sorry I am still harping on this and somehow can't let it go. I have let go of the notion that we will never be together but its just hard to let go of the questions in your mind of how things happened like they did at the end. Its hard to believe he hasn't picked up the phone at all to call me. His wife is pregnant with their unexpected fourth child. I know they are going through alot but you would think he would pick up the phone and see how I am doing.

Just a general question - If I was the one who suggested and even brought up that we need to be with our spouses and we couldn't go on like this but still called him afterward - does that make me look like I can;t let go of him. I said all those things but also said I was having a hard time saying goodbye and this is what I needed to do but I just don't want to. One of our last conversations he said that he more than me didn't want it to end between us and was having a hard time too. Does it look like I wanted to end things but was having a hard time? Do you think at the end he was just upset that I was talking about ending it again? If I would have gone on and not brought up this to him - we would still be talking but I just couldn't do it anymore. Please give me your thoughts - please be kid bc today is one of those emotional days for me. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 10:56am

Hang in there. I know it hurst, but in answer to your question, I would not recommend trying to contact him. I think it does suggest that you're having trouble letting go, but more important than what it conveys to him, I truly believe it WILL make it harder for you to let go. As painful as it is, I think there can be real strength in turning away from something you know is unhealthy (although for the life of me, I can't seem to do that with smoking, but that's neither here nor there, is it.....)

Anyway, for me with my xMM (I'm single and they too are expecting a surprise child; their first) I felt like I was pretending not to care for a while...actually, I still feel that way sometimes....but bit, by bit, I find I'm no longer pretending. Somehow, it's just happened that I don't hurt as much anymore. Believe me, I too thought he was going to leave her. I read all the posts on this site, but thought "My guy is different." The day I found out she is pregnant, I felt like someone had slapped me across the face with a fish. I just stood there in complete shock. And I didn't even find out from him!! I had to hear it from a friend. To this day, 1.5 months later, he still has not told me. Last I heard from him, he was professing his undying love for me. Creep.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to make yourself as busy as possible. I've found myself working harder and later. I've left town to visit relatives. I'm throwing a big party next....whatever it takes to get your mind off Him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 12:31pm
I'm with you on this one. It's been almost 2 weeks with NC for me. It's not all that bad except for that one thought that keeps going through my head: Why isn't he missing me at all? I just wonder how he can just pick up things in his life and move on without flinching. How can he just pretend that nothing happened? How can he just go through his daily life and not want to talk to me? That is the only thing that is bugging me. The other thing that bugs me is that here I am wasting more time thinking of him--and he hasn't given me a second thought after 2 years together. My XMM also had a baby recently with his wife and didn't tell me. A friend told me as well. The only conclusion that I have come to with my situation (and with yours) is that he just doesn't care that much about me. That helps me move on, do something to occupy my time, get him out of my head. I don't think he will ever be completely out of my head, but I'm hoping that it will get less. I (and you) can't go back to contacting him or WE have started the ugly cycle again.
So...we both just have to let it go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 12:53pm

<<>>

OMG, IV, I'm feeling exactly like this. I'm so sorry you are going through it too. It really sucks. HUGS to you, honey.

And hugs to you, merehud. Isn't it obvious that these A's only screw people up when the recurring theme of all these threads seems to be how much we hurt? How can the O's not care about us anymore? How hard it is to keep the NC? At least we have each other.

Breathe




Edited 12/2/2004 12:56 pm ET ET by just_breathe_1967
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 12:55pm

IVHappiness
Glad to hear from someone in a similar situation (although I'm truly sorry for your pain). Two weeks of NC is great, you should be proud. I'm feeling pretty good after a month and a half, but I'm frightend of two looming events: first, I know he'll have to tell me about the pregnancy eventually and second, the f-ing holidays. I know they'll be back in town for Christmas (he lives elsewhere now) and plus, the holidays are just an emotional nightmare when you're not with the person you want(ed) to be with.

I'm curious, have you gone through the whole "angry with him" phase yet? Does that come after or before the "more-pain-than-I-can-bare" phase? Bracing myself to have to take a few steps back when I see him (unavoidable) over Christmas. Plotting how to respond to the entire "pregnancy" thing. Right now, being angry as hell feels just about right. But I don't want being angry to pull me backwards into being sad again. Does that make any sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 9:44pm

<<>>

Could have written these words myself!!!

At least were all on this sick & crazy rollercoaster together!

Merehud - wishing you strength...you've come so far!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 11:08pm

Hi,
It's been 5 months of NC after an 18 month relationship that was mostly emotional, but turned physical just before he ended it. It still hurts. He's never been out of my head or my heart. I was doing better until I visited my family for Thanksgiving. They live in the same town he grew up in. Everything reminded me of him and now I feel like I'm back to square one.

I too don't get how he can just forget me and move on. The hard part is that deep in my heart I truly believe that we were meant to be together and that one day we will be. I know its totally crazy and its keeping me from being able to let go of him. I just don't see how he can live the rest of his life with someone that doesn't make him happy especially when I can.

I wish the pain would just go away and I could stop thinking about him and wondering if he's thinking about me.

I totally understand what you are going through. I wish I could tell you it will get easier, my best friend tells me that all the time, so far no dice. Hang in there and know that you're not alone.