I'm having a crappy day and I want to call

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
I'm having a crappy day and I want to call
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 12:02pm
I know this is silly. He can't fix my car that wouldn't start this morning, he can't pay for the crown I need, he can't help me make my late mortgage payment, and he can't give me the motivation to exercise today. It's up to me to make my life better.

But he used to be my escape, amd nothing else is working today. So I am posting here rather than calling.

ok enough wallowing!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 1:06pm
HI Songs,
Sorry to hear your having a crappy day! They did use to be there for us didnt they? Thats why we had the affair to escape all of the problems in the outside world. I miss my XAP for those reasons too....I feel like I have so much to tell him to update him on my life....but I cant update him anymore.

Like you said its up to you to make your life better...and its day to day..moment to moment. And sometimes when you feel like making that call think of how you will feel after the call. What good will come from it??? Usually a little high followed by another low that will fell lower than what you feel right now. I know because I have done it....:smileysad:! So I am there with you...as I want to do the same......

Stay strong!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 1:29pm

Yes!  We are your new escape!  Unfortunately, we cannot fix your car, we can't pay for your crown, we can't help with your late mortgage payment and I, myself, am the worst motivational speaker regarding that 8-letter word.  Perhaps I should speak for myself only.  Anyone here know how to fix the car or put in a crown?  

BUT!  We're hear to listen and to get you through and cheer you on and send you kudos for coming here!

You are soooo right, there's nothing he can do for you.  Anything you do that includes him would only be hurting yourself.

NC = NO NEW HURT....I know, I know...you know that...that's why you are here.

Maybe make a list of what needs to be done to accomplish what needs to be done....so you can slowly work you way to getting them accomplished.  

Like what it will take to fix my car:  1. Call mechanic and work out logistics- then check it off.  2. Fine someone to help you drop it off and pick it back up when ready--check.  3. Call mechanic with date - check!  Drop of car--check!  Pick up car - check! done!

Okay...okay, you probably got the picture.

Do not call that man - CHECK!




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 3:53pm
Thank you for being here for me. I will start that list after work!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 4:12pm
Dang Songs I had just typed a much longer post and lost it! But well done you posting here instead of reaching out. Hope your day has got better. Its just those feel goods that you miss that seems to maginify even the simplest of daily struggles. Hang in there Songs you are doing great!!

Sunny Soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
You can do this, song sweetheart.

And really what is the alternative? Back into the A-hole? Nah, you can't. You would be miserable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 6:53am
Songs, how are doing today? I need a new crown too and it feels like karma - xAP's W was stunningly beautiful, but she had one tooth really obviously missing. During the A I felt kind of smug about the fact that my teeth were prettier than hers even if the rest of me wasn't (yes, pathetic I know!) But just this last month I had to have a tooth removed after it cracked right through and I have to wait three months for an implant and a crown. Everytime I look in the mirror or get another dental bill (ouch) I feel as though its fate's way of punishing my stupid vanity and shallowness during the A.

How did you get on with your list? Is there anything we can help with?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 5:13pm
Thank you Katniss for checking on me. I forgo the list last night and had a few glasses of Moscato and watched tv with my DH. That was nice.

I worked today and had a great series of appts with my new partner at work. More successful appts equals more commissions. I haven't felt this good at work since I was partnered with my xAP. But I need to be on guard. This partner is funny, good looking, and recognizes and praises my abilities. That is a heady and dangerous mix for me. I need to make sure I stay 100% professional.

My van is fixed now, $411 later. The crown will have to wait a little while although the more decay that creeps under the filling the more likely I'll need a root canal too. But the mtg payment pymt first. Ugh!

~ Songs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005


You need to be on guard.  This will provide you the perfect opportunity to put into practice what you have learned.

Can we go over some things?  Excellent

1.  No discuss of intimate details regarding yourself or your marriage.

2.  No moving in and getting too close.

3.  No speaking in innuendo

4.  No flirting of any kind.

If he says anything that makes you uncomfortable or sends up a warning sign, give him a look like you have no intention of going there and how dare you even think that I would.

5.  Keep it professional and business like at all times.

Remember, we never just find ourselves in an affair....we invited it into our lives...due to lack of boundaries and vibes we put out.  We should no longer be flattered if someone makes suggestive remarks...we should be worried that we are still putting out in some way the wrong message.  I mean, if someone makes a suggestive remark because they are under the wrong impression that you are single and available, that is one thing...yet still not a good thing in the workplace if the workplace a policy in place about that, but once we tell them clearly that we are married, that should the end of it.  Don't worry yourself if you come across as a bit cold...you a protecting yourself and your family.  And if you have to thwart an attempt, go about your business with him in a cordial manner to take away the sting a bit...just a bit. 

And now that I am typing this, even if there is no policy in the workplace, I've seen enough here to know that even forging a relationship with a co-worker is simply a bad idea...because relationships turn sour all the time...and now you have to work with each other...causing major discomfort and pain or one or both.  Well, that's my opinion anyway.

The new Song41 is cool, calm and collected...that is the message you will send out...oh, and takes her commitment seriously.

I don't even know if I had to say any of this...perhaps you know all this, but just in case :smileywink:

If I overlooked anything important, I hope others with chime in.

Yep, our Song41 is cool as a cucumber.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 2:01am

Hi Songs!

Just wondering if you were able to overcome the urge to call him and how you are feeling now?


Thinking about you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 6:51am

Clarity - that is all such good advice. My A started all those years ago as we were at a function and he asked to sit with me, at lunch. I blathered on as usual, and he was very friendly, and at one point looked straight at me and said, "Boy, you are really easy to talk to." I took it as a compliment, -  but now I see that that is where the warning bells should have gone off. it is not in my nature to be unfriendly or cold, but you are right, it is not that so much as clearly protecting what you have - what you both have. Had either one of us been smarter then, we both wouldn't be looking back at 12 years of not being fully in our M's. But that easy banter can be a slippery slope - fine between two single people looking for a possible partner, but disastrously enticing otherwise.

Song41, glad you are feeling better and keep cool!