I'm an #^*$! idiot!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
I'm an #^*$! idiot!
6
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 4:45pm

I see him online (we speak briefly online once or twice a week, as the four of us are friends), and after about 40 minutes go by, I decide to say hello. BIG MISTAKE! Now I'm sitting here angry and shaking after re-hashing the entire problem that exhisted in our R that ultimately led to the demise of the A. HE keeps bringing up stuff that he knows will lead to a discussion of the problem (I think he magically thinks one of these times it will fix what was wrong), but then the discussion always turns into a heated arguement and we always leave pissed.

He also felt the need to say that, even if that problem disolved somehow, he wouldn't want me back because he felt that problem would turn up again somewhere else down the line. And he's right. I also told him I didn't want HIM back either, because I see how he is with other women, and THAT will never change. So it's very clear to us today that anything we had, is officially 100% over with.

He signed off mad about my continued position on that problem, and wrote a quick email to him saying we are NEVER to discuss that topic again, it's pointless and leaves us both angry. That if we are to remain on friendly terms, this is not the way to do it. And if we can't avoid the topic, then we won't speak at all anymore.

Ok, then as I was writing this post, my phone rings. I haven't seen his number show up on my phone in weeks. He called to say he was sorry and he doesn't want to lose me from his life, and if friends is all we can be, then he'll take it. I reiterated the fact that we cannot keep talking about US and what was and all the problems...it's stresses me out too much. He also asked if he could see me after work today. And this you'll be proud of me for..I said no. It would have been SO easy to see him, but I told him that it's not the direction we need to be going in.

Have to admit though, felt nice to hear his voice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 6:54pm

As I read your post I wondered if by chance you posted to the wrong board....it appears you are continuing your affair/relationship rather than ending it completely. Am I mistaken?


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 8:47pm

No, I didn't post to the wrong board. It's definately over. But me and my H are friends with him and his W, so there's no getting around that. It's been over for about 8 months,..for us that means no private contact by seeing each other, or private phone calls. The only contact that we agreed to was an occassional online BRIEF conversation, and when the four of us where together. This was the first phone call in a very long time.

We need to be able to maintain somewhat of a friendship, otherwise it would look suspious to his W and my H. We both still have feelings for each other, so yes, that presents an enormous challenge, but I really am hurting less and less as time goes by..and thats all I really want, is to feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 11:32pm

After reading your reply,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 9:36am

Thanks for your reply. I thought you'd say something like you thought I was still having too much contact with him, so thank you for understanding my position.

I definately feel I'm the one holding the cards and making the rules, which makes me feel in control of the situation. THAT is part of whats helping me get thru this. There was too much about the A that I felt was out of my control, such as when we saw each other. He seemed to be the one that said where and when, ..and me like the silly in-love woman I was, would drop everything and go see him.

For nearly 3 years, we'd chat on the computer EVERY night, sometimes for hours on end, and have phone calls to each other several times a day. So for us to only have maybe 2 brief online chats a week, with no phone contact..is a drastic change that he is having the roughest time with. He said to me yesterday "I know you need to do it this way because its the only way you can deal with this, but I'M not dealing with it too well not being able to hear your voice or see you".

Having control of this situation is part of my healing process. Guess I wanted to pass along that message to all of you, that each time you say "no" and do whats best for YOU, you're that much closer to healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 1:11am

Have you ever thought what you would have done with your time had you not been spending it online with xMM for so long?


If so, do those things NOW, with your family, (do you have kids?), and remember that you're choosing to place your priorities with your family over the escape you sought online......


Whatever withdrawal pains xMM is feeling because he can no longer feed his addiction online with you are HIS problems, NOT yours, so I encoourage you to maintain the very limited contacts you have with him to only thosse times you, your husband, xMM and his wife meet socially. Which means adios IM chats on the computer.


Or put another way, do not have ANY conversations with xMM that you would not say in front of your husband or his wife hearing your words. I think you'll find it a lot easier to keep your emotional fence up to xMM with that as your guard.


JMHMO,


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 9:27am

Thanks again for your advise. And I agree with you, I did spent countless hours carrying on this A online. And now that I have those hours back, I am doing just as you said..which is doing things for me and my family, and finding other things to distract me and break the habit of that nightly chat. It's been going very well for me. I actually sleep better at night because I'm not aggravated over something XMM said that night, etc. Part of the reason I realized it was time to end the A was because it stopped making me feel good..me and him were arguing more than we were happy with each other. Damn, I can get that at home! Who the hell needs 2 men to fight with!

Anyway, I heard every word you said and will stay committed to myself and my family.