I'm an idiot. Friendship NOT possible

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
I'm an idiot. Friendship NOT possible
6
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 1:28pm
Well, despite all of the advice telling me that friendship is not possible with an XMM, I still thought that it might be for me. I decided to call him just to say hello and state the case that I hope we could someday be friends. Well...that was a very, very BAD idea. He was rude, distant, mean, and condescending to me. I ended up getting upset and looking like a complete idiot. Now I've give him the power again. Now I feel like the sad loser in all of this b/c he has the ability to make me feel this way. I was just trying to take the high road and wish for a positive working relationship with him, but now I feel like I'm back to square one. How can someone just cut off feelings for another person after 2 years? I know that I'm having trouble, but he's obviously not. I am so mad and disappointed in myself right now. I feel like going home, crawling under the covers, and staying there for a week. I guess I have to start right now with NC...again. The next time I feel like calling or seeing him, I need to remember how I'm feeling right now.
I just wanted to confess that I caved in...but I won't do it again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 2:07pm

I totally agree with you and understand where you are coming from. I work with my guy, luckily the affair ended about 4 months ago and I wasn't in the office but now I am back. Up until one month ago I thought I was still in love with him. I broke down and told him, silly me. Since I last vented I don't feel the same way just discust with myself. How could I let myself get caught up in such a mess. He wanted to be friends and so did I, but I realized that wasn't possible I cared about him too much. Time heals but man is it hard. I can look at him today with such hate which probably isn't a good thing. He never wears the ties I bought him, when we do talk I wonder if he remembers things the way I do. Probably not because he is man with a lowsy memory. I feel your pain and I am sorry. I am also really angry guess I am not over the whole thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 2:15pm

(((((IVHappiness)))))

I know that pitted feeling you get when someone you care about treats you like pond scum, so I am sending you a BIG HUG. Remember, HE is the one with the issues who once upon a time decided to bring you along for the ride. It's time to hop the next horse out of DODGE, and never look back. Weren't you the one who's counselor told her to "FOCUS" on HERself? You know you can do this. I don't know why we women crucify ourselves with the ridiculous concept that hurting someone is "SO NOT NICE", so I'll reach out to him one more time with the friendship ring....NOT!!! These jerks don't want friendship. They want a playmate: No strings, no nonsense and no noise relationships for pure "Adult Entertainment."

<<<<>>>>>

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and resume NC position pronto!! ;) Trust me, down the road he will contact you again with something completely stupid or you'll run into him in the elevator, or whatever (you work in the same building?), so start preparing now to offer the coldest shoulder in history and remember YOUR words:

<<<<>>>

NO ONE deserves to be humiliated when they're just trying to be civil. Shame on him for being such a loser.

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 3:11pm
I WAS the one who said to focus on myself...I guess I forgot my own advice. I can't believe I regressed to the point of feeling so miserable again. I thought I had a revelation over the weekend. I thought that if I was the BIGGER person, rose above all of the crap, that he would agree and everything would be amicable. Now, I feel humiliated. I can see now that he is NOT on my side at all. He is NOT my friend. I treat complete strangers better than he is treating me. He sucks. I guess I will have to be the BIGGER person in private and know that I was trying to do a good, civil thing. I think you are right--the problem is with him. He is making me feel like the problem is me, but deep down, I know it's him. If he can't even be civil to me, then there's a problem with him. As of today, I have started to NC thing again. Unfortunately, I have to send out company-wide e-mails and he's a part of that. But that is the only contact that I am going to have with him. If we pass or see each other, I'm not giving him the time of day...not that he'll ask for it, but you know what I mean!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 4:16pm
Here is a perpective from other side of the fence. Hope it helps you some. I am guilty of not being the bigger person and being civil to XOM. I am not too proud of it but when it ends its so hard keeping your emotions intact. I have been so emotional lately. I do have a lot issues with him with the A that I did not tell to his face. I have never told him all this before and should have kept it to myself. I know it hurts him but I hurt over a lot of unresolved issues too. I tried to keep it all locked up but at some point it does come out. When it does, it does seem mean on my part. Sometimes I think its all fair to hurt him like he hurt me but as soon as I hit send on the email I am even more unhappy. I feel miserable and don't like the person I have become. I don't like to be vindictive and say means things, but that's what I have been doing lately. Not very proud of myself at the end of the day, for I do care about him all after that has happened between us. I still wish the best for him and its not like I hate him. But that has not the way I have been coming across lately. sigh...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 5:27pm

sc

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 7:31pm
I know exactly how you all feel. Last week, I was the one who posted about feeling so ashamed for caving and calling. He was pretty cold with me and wouldn't talk about his feelings. He did what he said he would do and filed for divorce, though it was not because of me. He does not want to be the cause of my divorce; instead, he wants me to leave my husband on my own without any motivation to be with him. So he wouldn't tell me how he was feeling or what was going on in his life. Instead, he encouraged me to either leave if that's what I want or go to marriage counseling. He did ask me if I still love my husband, and I couldn't answer. We hung up pretty awkwardly...I even heard an angry sigh when I tried to explain that I wasn't asking him to make a decision for me, just wanted to know how he felt...It was a very tough conversation that sent me back to the days of crying non-stop. Then, the next morning, I called to apologize...and felt like an even bigger idiot when he wouldn't answer his cell phone. Then, he called back, we were civil, and I felt so much better. After that, I went through all these emotions...and still am struggling with my decisions. My marriage has been so very rocky--my husband is staying elsewhere right now--and I only hang on because of our daughter. The truth is, if I knew for sure that he would be with me, I would probably leave. How weak and pathetic is that! Today, we worked together, and I caught him looking at me lovingly, we looked at each other for a moment, then he jumped up and I abruptly left. I'm such a mess.