I'm a little scared to even post this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I'm a little scared to even post this...
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 7:09pm
Afraid that I will get a verbal scolding for even going there... but I had such an emotional day, both in a too-long discussion with XMM and then in therapy... and I just need to figure out what it is I want anymore...

Started off talking to XMM, and I didn't think it would be more than a little casual chat as we were in the same workspace at the same time, and others were around (but unfortunately they left after a little while)... and somehow it turned very serious and emotional... he opened up to me perhaps more than he ever has before, and I shared more of myself with him too... He talked about his marriage - his lack of desire for his W and whether or not he wants to stay with her or pursue his other options (he does not lack for women chasing him)... we talked about how I am working on mending my marriage... about his guardedness and unwillingness to let anyone, including his W, get close enough to ever risk him getting hurt. He didn't flirt at all, he didn't try to see if I'd sleep with him again... it was just truly connecting on an emotional level.

He asked me what I would have done if he had said he loved me, back when I told him that I fell in love with him - and I told him I would have run away with him, even though we both know we are NOT well-suited to being a regular couple, even though we both admit it'd never work out. But at the time, I was completely blind to anything but my emotions... and he told me that he will never regret that we were together, but he's happy for me that I was able to learn and grow from the experience and hopefully figure out what was missing in my life and in my marriage... and try to fix it...

But the whole conversation - which was almost an hour long... just tore me up. It makes me miss him so so so much, both emotionally and physically. What I want, even though I KNOW how incredibly wrong it would be, is for him to fall in love with me. Never going to happen, would be so bad for me if it did... but it's what I wish for when I'm being honest...

So I went to therapy (and I needed it today)... and told therapist about how things are at home, and all about the talk with XMM today... and told her about my sex-life with H and how terribly much I miss XMM, both physically and emotionally... and she seemed shocked and sad to hear what things are like with my H, sexually. And while she agrees that it's not time to throw in the towel on our marriage, she admits that my H isn't making it easy to try to fix things... he tends to just say that no one thinks he ever does enough or tries enough and he can't change. And she pointed out to me that today, XMM gave me much more emotional connection than H almost ever does. Which is a change because before, NEITHER of them gave much emotionally... I have just been so lonely - long before I met XMM... I just didn't realize it until the affair made me look at my life... Therapist asked me if I would go with XMM again if I could "handle" it, and I said I would, in an instant... then she asked me if I could handle it... and I just said "that's how I ended up here in therapy."

I feel so close to the edge. I miss XMM so so so terribly much. I know he doesn't care enough about me, and it would destroy me emotionally if I went back with him. I can't handle an EMA - if I could, I wouldn't be on this board. I need my H to WAKE UP before it's too late. I know he is capable of so much more than he's giving me now... he's a good man... but I don't know what to do anymore if he won't make an effort. I'm feeling hopeless and scared and so very very alone...



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Glenda: Its so peaceful to read a happy ending or even on the right track happy beginning....keep Christ in your heart and you won't go wrong. It sounds as if you have a husband who is thinking about you and thinking about he may loose you. Don't forget men like a rose sometimes or even a card to keep in his briefcase. Huggs to ya and keep in touch.....rain......
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
re: I'm a little scared to even post this...


message #: 10221.7 in response to 10221.5

from: sweeterblond43

to: awiagina2002

date: 3:34 am

replies: 11

A. you have changed so much since you first came to this board. How can you advise Glinda to do this? It is a mistake to do something so radical. What is up with you? You dispense advise so freely but, never talk about you. I know that when we say we have ended it there is something in those of us with strong personalities that doesn't want to talk about the reality of our pain.

I will and I am for you! Both of us came here around the same time. It's been a hard road to walk. Very hard. I still have my sad moments and always will. They have become much less frequent. Do you still cry? I do! Not everyday, every week, but now and then. It used to be all day everyday! Do you still miss him? I do and always will! But, I know it was not meant to be! I am better off without him! You talk about God! God is inside of me and holds me dearly everywhere I go. He does you too! But, to be blunt here, I worry about you! I pray for you! There is something you don't want to tell us. You originally came here for support! You still have it! You always will! Please don't feel like you have to suck it up now and be the strong one! You are a human being and all of us need open arms to hold us, shoulders to lean on, and ears to hear us! Mine and everyone elses are here for you! Please A.? >>>>>>>>>

Well..I am glad you pray for me...and I always think that is a GREAt thing..BUTTTTTTT...I kinda hate to disabuse you of something here...and think it needs said...But the"I feel you pain" thing sounds AWFULLY close to what Bill Clintoin said..LOL

You have made a statement I feel needs addressed point blank.The "There is something I dont want to tell?"

Well...First lets go a few point by points okay?

1. You have been OFF the board what? A few months? I posted and never run from the situation I was in on this board.Perhaps you MISSED some of that.But Your post reminds me of what a gal named Cheryl did in high school. There was a new chick....very nice..REALLY a sweet girl, pretty, VERY pretty, smart, happy and a good volunteer.Cheryl saw this girl...and set out to figure her out. She couldnt find anything much. So finally she says ( and i HEARD her)..LOOK...so and so is pretty, smart, nice so SOMETHING has to be WRONG.You CAN'T be ALL of that and be REAL..what is she hiding!'

That is the mindset that comes across here many times when one says they healed..not ARE healing..not STILL crying...Not STILL agonizing day after ever loving day...but say they are DONE with that chapter and moved ON to become someone NEW.I understand that.It is looked upon with suspicion by those who came IN at the same time..maybe in as much pain...and somehow someway, they are MOVING, but having bouts of this and that still.

Its like...HEYYYYYYYYY..you *disepnse* advice..you GOTTA be hiding some PAIN and ANGST.

Nope. Sorry.

If it would make ya feel better , sure id admit it..LOL..but it would be a lie.

I feel a lot of pain for newbies, which is why i post..to help them see their eway clear. But since I will ASSUME you are sincere in ...ahem....asking..I will tell you what *worked for me*

1.A sense of appreciation AFTER I went to a seminar and heard a older guy call what this was ADULTERY , not just a cheesy affair.I hadnt HAD sex...but physical involvement...and yet it struck me like a gong to the head.

2. I had to repent...get BACK to my relationship with God...and not some playing around the fringes..but deadly serious about whether i was gonna walk the walk or just talk the talk.

3. I was open with hubby about my needs...took MY share of responsibility for not being OPEN and CONSISTENT about them..and held him ACCOUNTABLE for his share.

I was happy to take mine..I REFUSED to take HIS and I meant BUSINESS.

4. All the time I was seeing a down to earth, pull no punches..take it to the mat with the bullcrap sugary stuff counselor weho didnt ALLOW me to make these canned excuses about all of this stuff. She was generous, honest, kind but STRAIGHT. And would crack her gum and say...okay..okay..we GOT that..now what are you going to DO about it? You camn talk till you are old and grey..what are you going to DO? Then she gave suggestions..I took them..I did a lot of praying for a clean heart..a WHOLE lot of appreciation for what I had and held my GROUND.

5. SURE it hurt at first.I was furious and upset and mad and all of the SAME emotions....I just decided that it was about ME changing not someone else. I gave God something to work WITH.

So yes, i am VERY blunt about what this stuff IS..and thank GOD I didnt take some of the wishy washy, namby pamby, off the wall suggestions from folks still in affairs for mucho years..and STILL couldnt keep their fingers off the phone and calling that stuff 8support*.

It was enablement..NOT support many times.But then again..one mans cake is another mans crumb.

I wanted OUT of a pit..not some stuff on REDEFINING a pit and calling it a palace.

I found what worked...saw what worked with others...and what DIDNT.

Some women will say FOREVER.."wellllll you have to see what works for YOU..YOU are the judge of what works for YOU....and that is true"..and some are STILL trying to figure CONCRETE things that work because when they draw from the well, they find it was empty.

Basically I always had INNER strength on issues..I got off the PATH...and so when OM was out of the WAY..I could draw form some inner strength that was always there, but I had LOST it.A lot of women had strength and LOST it....some give it up and WILL do so till the next guy comes along with en emotional banadage for a emotional hemmorhage.Some NEVER learned from a mistake...some will more quickly.

I speak FIRMLY about what I see works.

NOT just for me..but ALSO for others.

When I see a woman come here saying she is numb..her marriage is on thre skids...I suggest what I have seen WORKS.....and have gone to the BS board..and talked to folks IN situations to get a BROADER picture..MANY times what WORKS doesnt FEEL so great at first. So you must decide..do you want to FEEL better short term..or get healed and be done with it?

To each his own.

I say NO contact works.....a FULL investment in a marriage with NO Om in the picture to see whats there WORKS...to call adultery exactly that and not an emotional connection JARSsome people from some lethargy that gets their tush off the pot.

I say, if you have NO self esteem..see a counselor why.

That kind of stuff.

It rankles..and it drives some nuts..usually those who realy would prefer *strong* people slit their wrists and bleed all over the screen..so others can rush in and say'SEE..SEE...she aint got it together atALL"

Im human..sure...but I moved ON.

Do I cry over OM? No.

Do I MISS OM?..No.

Do I wish I could have perfect closure? Nope...he tried to contact in between a few months later.Yep.

Did i respond..Nope.

But see, I dont think ANYONE could do this as a Chistian without Christ.Maybe you do.

I don't.

Hubby and I are doing great in my book....not perfect..but guess what...no one is...and thats a fantasy some need to get OVER. As if ANY one person fills ALL their needs for hobbies, educational enlightenment and all the rest.They need to find a whole human being in THEM..to HAVE something to bring TO a relationship and not EXPECT perfection.

What do I mean about great?

Great sex..yes..emotional commitment yes...honesty..yes..fun..yes...loyalty..yes...does he like Shakespeare..no..do I like drag racing No..can I tell him what I think? yes..could I before? no..and its REAL and GREAT and he is the kind of guy that makes you WANT to live ABOVE board not COWER in the shadows.....

Thats my def of great NOW.

Before it wasnt.

I grew some appreciation.

Christ did the growing by HIS strength.

NOW as to the advice I gave Glinda?

I gave it from MY perspective.

I do not believe dishonesty works..If you noticed I didnt say tell him she had an affair..at this point..she made it clear ( after I posted to her first post with what info she GAVE then)..she and her therapist said no. I said tell him you are ATTRACTED to other men.

There is a difference.

She may be able to tell her hubby someday..thats her business and her counselors business..but i DO think she needs to say her ATTRACTION level had been growing.

Her later post revealed her trying to reveal her SADNESS.Thats great.Be UPFRONT about this stuff on these levels.

Im not talking Kamikaze tactics..but HONESTY.

What she does is her business too..but I feel that there is a progression to this at times in openeness that needs addressed.

Far better to say I am ATTRACTED to other men..and feeling sad and vulnerable..and I dont want that..I NEED you to be emotionally available while we work at this....than to come down LATER and say HEY JOE..I had an affair..and HE says..I never knew you were AT the point of that MUCH sadness and attraction....why werent you SPECIFICALLLY straight on this with me?

Now..I want you to know...as much as I appreciate your concern..:) I am sorry theres not more *juice* to the peach here..and thats about it.

As they say...LOL..I dont repeat gossip so listen good the FIRST time.

If you are looking for hidden wells of angst and hidden pain?

Sorry...I am feeling pretty great.Thanks:))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I'm not looking for hidden wells of angst or pain! I'm glad you are so over all of this!

You are mistaken though when you say I've been away from the board. Haven't been at all! Been right here reading and posting. Ya must of missed it! I do feel others pain and I'm no Bill Clinton!LOL!

Say whatever you want but, I did have sincerity in my heart! Peace, out. LOL!