I'm loosing control

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I'm loosing control
3
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 11:14am
I'm getting sucked back into this EMA all over again. I don't even know what I want any more. I can feel the emotions rising again.

When I was totally involved in this EMA, I was obsessed with trying to control ex-MM's every move. Because of the trust issues I had with him. I can feel myself obsessing all over again. He tells me one thing, and does another. I keep telling myself all I want is the truth. But, is that really it. His actions are enough. Actions speak louder than words. He's been seperated (or so he says) from his W for 4 months, and still no final divorce papers. I drive by their house on Saturday, and his car is there, like he's moved back in. He left me a message yesterday, saying he was there watching his dd, while his W worked. I hardly belive that. So, just to prove to myself whatever, I called his home this morning, and was told by his neice that he wasn't there. My first guess is that he is at his W's house. I guess he left work this morning and went straight there. Has he moved back in with his W.......probably so.

Why can't I put this whole thing behind me. It's just like yeast, the warmer it gets the higher it rises. Everytime we talk I get sucked back into this cycle again. I can't do it. NC is absolutely necessary.

I had been holding out hope that he would get a divorce, and we would move on with our lives. Everytime he would call, I hoped he would be saying that the divorce is final, and he is ready to move on. I think I need to just tell him that we have no future together. Divorce or no divorce. It's never going to be what I want or need from a relationship.

For 17 years, this relationship has pleagued my life. I'm so afraid, so very afraid, that I will be alone the rest of my life. I'm afraid that if by some chance ex-MM and I do end up together, that it will be a horrible relationship.

I feel like a drug addict trying to kick a bad habit. I just want the whole thing to be over. But, I don't know what steps I need to take to make it a "reality". Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a fantacy world, or living out side of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 1:22pm
My drug of choice was my xMM too, and the withdrawal, especially in the beginning (the first couple of weeks for me), can be absolutely unbearable. You are correct when you say it is like a drug--it is exactly that--the addiction to our emotional affair is the same as a drug. What you are feeling is not unique, you are not alone in your feelings of hopelessness and pain. That's why I am so grateful for this board at this painful time in my life, and why I am appreciative of the people that come in here and post their raw pain and emotions. It helps me to see that I am not alone, and this pain is the process of letting go and moving on, and most importantly--it is normal to have these highs and lows--normal to feel obsessed with your xMM at times. (I had a mini melt down just yesterday--he was at the forefront of all my thoughts (but I did not act on them--I allowed the thoughts--some hours, some days are better than others)--but guess what? Today is not so bad. So, you see, it does get better.) Each time you feel lonely or the pain is just unbearable, just keep coming here and share your grief with us. Turn to us here in this group, not to him. We are all in the same boat, and we are here, I am here, to give you a big hug and tell you you can do this. No, it is not easy, this is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life, but you can end your A with you xMM and move on to a happy sense of self. I am almost proof of this--it will be one month for me in a couple of days since I've ended my EA. I know I can do it, but I also know that I'm not perfect, and I will make mistakes in this process, but that I all I need to do is dust myself off and begin again, and each time feel the strength of self get stronger and stronger. Thanks for listening, ~ifm
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 5:54pm
I, too, am in the early stages of No Contact with my xMM. What you are feeling is perfectly normal given the circumstances. Your love has turned into obsession and jealousy of the WIFE! It didn't start out that way but when it becomes clear that the man has chosen (yes, CHOSEN) his wife over starting a new relationship with you, that's when everything changes for you. You feel let down, rejected, and think "if only I had said this, done this.." He is with her. Try to accept that for the reality that it is. Even if he comes back to you, she will still be in the wings. Wives don't usually go away that easily.

After a while you realize that what he has with her is based on lies, too. She does not know everything... and if she did find out everything, she may hold onto him for dear life. But honey, I can assure you she will NEVER trust this man. NEVER. She will always look over her shoulder. And if you were to end up with him I doubt you would trust him, either.

Yes, he has good qualities and yes, there were some wonderful, caring times. Those are over now. He has made his choice. He may not have verbalized it but actions speak louder than words. "When a man shows you who he is, believe him."

Every day the pain is a little less raw. Some days it flares up again. You will make it. Come back to this board to share your stories, and know that you are definitely not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 7:23pm
((Secretluver)) I am sure that on some level, all of us here can relate to the pain, anger, sadness, and frustration that you are feeling right now. I would think that this type of emotional reaction is unavoidable at the end of a relationship. We are only human, after all.

However, from what you wrote, it sounds like ending this A will be a positive step forward for you. It sounds like MM has been stringing you along, and is not being 100% honest with you as far as W is concerned. This has caused you to feel powerless, helpless, and hopeless. No one should feel that way. In addition, you expressed fear that any relationship you might have with MM would be "horrible". This is not what you need. You deserve much better, you deserve to be happy.

I echo what the other posters have said in that it *will* get easier. I am in the early stages of NC, like mcb, and it has been difficult. But with every day that passes, I grow stronger, and more sure that what I have done by ending the A is the *right* thing to do. I chose not to allow OM to rule my life. I chose not to obsess over OM's every move, and what he was doing/not doing with his fiancee'. I chose to take my life back. You can too.

If you feel particularly helpless or out of control, counseling may help. You may have to check out a few counselors before you find one that you "click" with, but it will be well worth it. You need to take your life back, and move on to better things.

You *CAN* do this, secretluver, and we are all here to support you.

Best of luck as you move forward. Let us know how you are doing!

((hugs))

Circe