im a mess! help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
im a mess! help!
2
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 5:45pm
So ive been reading other peoples discussions attempting to find a litttle of my own situation in theirs and hoping that maybe they have a little more insight into this life i've continuously made for myself, but it seems i may in fact be alone on this one. i'll start from the begining i guess and pray that maybe someone out there has a little more insight from reading mine. I've found that i have an unhealthy tendency to become seriously involved with men that already have girlfriends. And usually they live with them already which makes things much more difficult, but before you begin to think that im preying on these men for some twisted reason or another, they've all been friends for periods of time before the affair began and they have all chased me. It always starts innocently enough in the begining where we talk about normal day to day things and they ask for advise maybe in relationships then as the friendship progressed they begin to become flirty and dispell that they've always had a secret attraction to me and then all of a sudden i find myself in this messy little affair that i cant get myself out of and not sure i really want to. i promised myself after the last time ( and it might have something to do with my getting my heart shattered in to puzzle peices in the end)i'll never do it again but this one im in now, makes # 2 and here we go again, im head over heels, will do anything, anytime, for him... love. and its been so up and down and full of promises and i love you's and i want to marry you's then and my ending it about half a million times only i always come back because i love him so much and miss just hearing his voice. when im not with him, he's all i can think about, and yes, he does claim to have the same die without me feelings as well, even though the SHE-DEVIL is still currently living in his house. And to put a little backround into their lives together, they've been together for about 5 years, 3 of which she was away at college and when she returned she moved right in, into a house and car that he pays for. which may account for her not wanting to leave... plus the fact that she's not the most attractive woman on the world.( even though she is having outside relations as well for most of their relationship)He claims he wants to end it and if it were just about me and her he would ( and knowing that i blow her away in evry department, i believe that), but its about the house, the dog the families the bank accounts, yadda yadda yadda, and he's petrified of change, i knew this before and i shouldve been smart enough to know this wasnt going to change with me. But i also believe its because men in general get comfortable and they're in the belief that "the devil that you know is better than the devil that you dont know." So now i think it all may be coming to a head because i think ive had enough after about a year of this. Its incredibly difficult to end a relationship especially when u've become so dependent on this person and you've convinced yourself that your lovers seperated by means (and the fact that my parents know and do not approve), so when uve finally done it, and ur alone in the end, its a very scary place to be. I always think of how it must be so much easier for him because he can just go back to how he was before i entered his life. He's petrified of change and i realized that i unfortunately cannot help him in this area. If he cant make this leap then i cant push him off the ledge. And with all this going on, i've managed to convince myself that i need to start dating other people ( maybe even to help me get over him) and in doing so met a great guy who adores me, but i just cant bring myself to have the feelings i feel for my guy. I wish more than anything i could, especially when this great new guy is asking me to become more serious and all i can think about is what if my guy leaves her and im stuck in this now?.... but the truth is, you cant force feelings for this new guy that r not there, and maybe i should just let go of both of them and start from scratch, but that would mean i'd be ALONE. what a terrible word.... if anyone has any insight into this mess of a life im now living, id much appreciate it, good or bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 8:57pm

Missy

This is going to sound mean but it is not intended that way.

First HE IS NOT YOUR GUY he is HER guy has been for 5 years and may very well be for the next 10 years.

If she were cheating on him it is unlikely her fee loading butt would still be living under his roof, I susupect that that is a like of crap he is feeding you so you will drop your drawers for him.

She would not be living in his house if he did not want here there and she would not be sleeping in his bed and having sex with him in it if he did not want it that way, in short things are just how he wants them...he has her full time and you his peace of A$$ on the side, he is what is called a CAKE EATER has his cake and eats it to.

Get out there and DATE give the single guy a fair chance, consider individual counceling to find out way "YOU" are choosing to get involved with taken men, it is not just happening to you your doing it.

Jmho

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 10:47am
ive posted another discussion, but id like to talk to u directly also, i understand that u may think that because its very difficult to put every aspect of our relationship into words in this short manner, but there are a few key points that i admit i left out. one is that she has in fact been unfaithful to him, and yes i do know this because i was the one that helped set up the spyware that caught her racy little discussions between her and this other man ( who also has a gf, which is also a good reason why she hasnt left) and we have times and places and why she stays and why she cheats so much.... and two that we (me and my guy) do not have sex. and havent for about 3 -4 months now. and it was indeed my decision, until this situation is resolved. we are and have been about more than sex for the greater part of our relationship which by the way was a friendship for about 2 years before the affair began. our feelings and the way we are together, has not changed aside from the physical so it puts into perspective our connection. he was also a co-worker and works directly with my family as well, which puts me in a situation that i have to see him and hear about him fairly often enough. i wish it were just about the sex because if it were, id be able to find it anywhere else, believe me. sex is the easy part, the emotional and mental connection we've found is the tricky one.