I'm my own worst enemy...
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I'm my own worst enemy...
| Tue, 04-06-2010 - 10:17am |
Hello wonderful EASers....
I have been reading everyday but haven't posted much lately. I have responded to a few when I felt better, but feeling better seems ages ago, although it was only two weeks ago. Two weeks ago today I succumbed hard and fast to a fishing attempt at day

He probably didn't mean anything heavy - just wanted to stay in touch, being friends, whatever (who knows - who cares). Since nothing good came out of it anyway, do you think you could block him? This way you will never know even if he tried to contact you. There is a possibility of him catching you off guard again (missing him, being weak etc.), so you really have to protect yourself.
Don't be embarassed about spilling your guts out in yoru email. We all done that. And I remember getting a one-line response too..and feeling like a total moron:)
XOXO
Gone
I'm having a hard day myself, but I just wanted to give you some ((HUGS)) and let you know you aren't alone. I can imagine myself in your shoes - having him reach out to me, and then only find out that he was "checking in".
Dear Live,
I read your post and my heart ached for you. I remember being exactly where you are and feeling exactly how you feel. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to block him at every turn, email, phone, text. Leave no stone unturned. The fact that you don't want to block him because you want to know when he fishes indicates that you want to be connected to him somehow. You want to know when he fishes because you think it will make you feel like he misses you. You don't need his fishing attempts to make you feel that kind of gratification. You are a beautiful, intelligent woman and you deserve better and you know it. I encourage you to block – full stop. I know the thought may be unappealing at the moment but after you do it you will feel a kind of freedom that you have not felt in a very long time, as if you've cut the chains of A-bondage. At the very least, block him for a little while until you know you are strong enough that you can resist any attempts at contact. I too was hesitant to block and it was only on my third ending did I finally succeed. I now go through my day without the burden or worry that he could contact me at any moment – my xap fished a lot. In 4 days I will be 5 months NC and in that 5 months he got through once about a month ago and it hurt so bad. It was disappointing because I thought I had been doing better than that but I clearly wasn't. In my hardest moments I wrote in a journal, anything and everything. I even wrote emails of things I wanted to tell him and then I would send it to myself; I sent myself affirmations, encouragement, I vented when I needed to but I never sent anything to him. It was important to get out all these bottled up emotions. Now I go back and I actually gleen strength from my "weak moments"
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Live, will this be helpful on your healing or is it just your ego who wants to be stroked?
Hello LFT-
I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry you are back at day 1 NC. If anything, this experience should illustrate for you how necessary NC is. Go back to the healing library and re-read "Why NC Works... or How NC works..." (can't remember the exact title). Every time I think about reaching out to him, or leaving a door or window open (which is what you are doing by not blocking him), I go back and read those items. I threw my dignity away during the A, as we all did. I want that back, and the only way to do so is to block and walk. I've had to be LC recently due to work and I can tell you it did a number on me. Just seeing his name pop up in my inbox drove a knife through me heart, even though the correspondence was strictly work.
If you truly want to heal, you need to self protect. You need to take every step to cut him out of your life. Why leave a window open? Wanting to know if he misses you if purely ego... it's purely the addiction. TAckle this like you would a chemical addiction... if you are a smoker and you want to quit smoking, you don't leave a spare pack in the garage just in case. You don't go to places where you might run into other smokers... You have to rid your life of all temptation to remain connected to xap. It's the only way to move on and heal. By leaving a crack to the past, you are hindering your healing.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
LFT,
<< I
~Iddy~
LFT,
I too can be my own worst enemy.