I'm New

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
I'm New
2
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 3:40pm
I don't even know where to start and I will try to keep it short. This is my first day on the message board. I have been having an A for 10 years with a co-worker, who happens to have children the same ages as mine so there is all types of contact out of the office. OM got divorced 3 years ago, I have been married for 16 years. The A started before he was married, but he was already involved with his XW. Over the past few years I have tried numerous times and ways to end the A. Some times it has lasted for months, but all that has to happen is eye contact and we are usually drawn right back. But this past weekend we were at an event with our children who play baseball together and he shows up with his XW (who is remarried but I have heard is separated) I had no warning, the last time I had seen him prior to that, which was Thursday, he was all about me. I had noticed that he had been mentioning X more recently, but they do have two children. His X asked for the divorce and I know that I was an issue. We have had many discussions on me leaving my marriage, but I can't truly say that I don't love my husband, so this is not a decision that I wanted to make and he did not push me to make it because he said I should always do what was best for my kids. So I have decided that I will have NC with him. Well of course I have not heard from him today, he will ignore the issue if I allow it to be ignored and I'm really confused on what I should do. He really acted like he loved me and since his divorce we have gotten a lot closer, that was until reality hit Saturday night. We were friends in high school and dated a little then, so there is a long history. I am married to a really great guy and I wish I wasn't in this situation. I welcome any advice that anyone can give me. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: gaillinette
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 9:08pm
Welcome, honey. I think you will find wonderful support on this board if you do decide to stand your ground and end the A. Its been a lifesaver for me, I know.

I read your response to my post today about the middle of the night text message. Yep, its like you can only drift so far away, and then WHAM! Circumstances arise which cause you to find yourself face to face with the A and its aftermath again. I wonder if that's the universe's way of making sure we never forget our mistakes!

Just before I ended my A I made a decision that I just wasn't able to end my marriage for XMM. I talked about it, I promised my XMM that we had a future together, I told my H it was over, but I could never take any real steps to that end. All I did was talk about it. I kept thinking that one day I would wake up ready to make the changes, but it never happened. In the end, I had to admit that I did still love my H and that, although our marriage was pretty much ashambles, I wanted to try and rebuild it, as did he. I somehow had a moment of clarity and realized that there's no way I could make my marriage any better while I was still seeing XMM, so I made a decision to end it. Whenever I waivered in my resolve, I kept remembering that in the light of day I had evaluated the entire situation as rationally as possible and decided that I didn't want to end my marriage and I couldn't live with myself and the dishonesty, sneaking around, etc., that's a natural part of the A.

I personally did feel weak, sad, etc., enough to break down and contact the XMM on a few occasions since I started NC almost 4 months ago. But I used some skills that I've picked up in my recovery from active addiction. One that helped the most was to make a decision and stick with it "just for today." So, I told myself I wasn't going to contact XMM "today," but if the pain got great enough, I'd contact him tomorrow. That way, I wasn't telling myself "never again," which can sometimes be too overwhelming, but I was making my actions match up with my decision.

I also recognized that feelings are just that - feelings. You can feel them, but you need not act on them. I learned to just sit still in the pain sometimes. The first time I attempted NC, as soon as the going got rough I put a bullet in it just to get out of the pain. As soon as I did, I realized that it didn't feel as wonderful as I'd remembered, it just didn't hurt anymore. Do you know what I'm saying???? Basically, for a while I maintained contact with XMM not because I still wanted to necessarily, but because I was afraid of how much I would miss him if I broke it off. When I finally did end it, though, and the pain surfaced, I was very careful to feel the feelings but not act on them. That was tremendously helpful.

So as I started off saying, if you need to work through the emotion of ending this A, you have found the perfect place. You can share your feelings here, and we'll support your decision to keep NC. Best of luck and big hugs! Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: gaillinette
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 10:51am
Thank you so much for replying. There is so much secrecy to an A, it's hard to put on a good front, while you are dying inside. I especially want to thank you for giving me the one day at a time idea. When I read that this morning it put a smile on my face, I can do that.

My big problem right now is that as of last Friday we were still seeing each other and then out of the blue the married XW (he apparently has a thing for married women) comes back into the picture and I know now that they were together Saturday night, I have my ways of finding out things. The sad part is for 10 years he has talked about how much he can't stand her and can't stand all the things that she is and does, but yet, it didn't take one day for him to go right back. So the NC will be easier, because he is in hog heaven right now, literally, and he will stay away from me. But we do work together and the day will come that we will have to see each other. I'm just so upset because I wanted to be the one to end it. I have been the one in the past to end it temporarily, but this time I am taking a real hard shot to my self esteem. Of course I'm married and my husband doesn't have a clue and he loves me very much, so I can't make a scene, even though my thoughts keep wanting to call the XW and say "are you stupid? Don't you know he said the very same things to me last week that he is saying to you now?" But I know I can't.

I read something yesterday that said I should set a date to end my mourning and that allows me a little time to get over it, but also a time for a new beginning. My date is August 2nd.

I have two close friends that know what is going on and they will help me, but having you guys is a Godsend, because you know exactly what I am feeling and I you. The funny thing is I appear to be a really strong person and it's hard to fight back the breakdown, but it's in there somewhere and I am going to try to keep it in there until I finally wake up one morning and realize that I am the luckiest person in the world with two beautiful boys and loving husband.

Concerning the text message you received, you are on top right now, don't respond ever. He will live forever wondering how you became so strong.

Thank you for your encouragement. I'm glad I found this. GL