I'm new and need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
I'm new and need help!
5
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 11:41am

Hi,

I posted over at "After Your Affair" too but thought I'd post here too.

I am a married woman who had an affair with a married man ,it's been about 5 years since I broke it off with him. Even though I loved him and love him still,I had to break it off because I kept getting my heart broken. When we first together,we became very serious. He talked about wanting to marry me etc. I have never felt so strong about a man until him. Ultimately what it came down to is I felt I was not a priority and he could sometimes drop off the face of the earth for months at a time. 

I finally got the nerve one day to say to him " let's take a leap of faith and take the next step forward" (Meaning to be together). Even though he's the one who initiated these conversations between us,he ultimately told me I was moving too fast. This was after we'd been together for 3 years. Shortly after than he did another "dissapearing act" and I didn't hear from him for a couple of months. The first time he did that to me,he was gone for almost a year. I became very depressed,to the point I didn't even recognize myself.

To make a very long and painful story shorter. I found out a couple of years later that he got divorced and pretty much was looking to hook up with about a dozen different women . This hurt me. Even though I was the one who broke it off with him,I still loved him but felt he wasn't good for me emotionally. I felt my heart was just a play thing to him.

So time has passed by and out of nowhere he sends me a Facebook request BUT he sends no message along with it ?? When I first saw his request,I was dumbfounded. I felt feelings of panic and those familiar knots in my stomach were back. I don't know why but I don't like the feelings that I get. I love him so much and I truthfully I've never gotten over him. I have not accepted his request,it's just sitting there. I of course am trying to figure out what the intention is. We have no mutual friends and he no longer had my email or phone # so he had to have searched for me. This is tearing me up but I don't know why I feel weak all over again. My gut feeling is to not accept his request. I just have a bad feeling about it. On the other hand,I feel like a b*itch for not accepting it. 

A part of me thinks he just wants to flaunt that he is single and doing splendidly (I'm still married) . There's just something I don't trust about it.

Please I need some advice or input. It hurts to see him again ,even in his profile picture. I would think that if he were truly interested in how I'm doing,he would have sent a message with it to say "hi" at least but no.

Confused ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 10:15am

I would ignore the request.  It sounds like any contact with him will be more harmful to you than anything.  He got a divorce and didn't even bother to contact you.  I think you should stick with your instinct because that's what originally told you he wasn't good for you emotionally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 11:44am

Thank you for your response! I've been feeling lost for days now. I keep second guessing myself. I'm the one who changed my # and my email address ,so in my mind I'm thinking " what if he tried contacting me and couldn't" but now he has found me on FB. I wish I  knew what that motive was. I would think he would have at least tried to send me a message through there though but no. If he did though ,sure it might answer my questions but could also make it harder for me to do the whole NC thing. A big part of me wants to believe he still loves me but maybe I'm fooling myself.

I can't explain it very well but the feelings he brings out in me ,terrify me. I don't know why but I am even afraid to see him in person. I'm afraid of all the feelings it would bring up inside of me. That's one of the reasons why I don't think he's healthy for me,emotionally speaking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 8:55am

We all get those feelings when we hear from our exAP. You are scared because those feelings for him are hard to control. If they weren't, you wouldn't have had an affair in the first place. I know that if I were to hear from my exAP, it would stir up all of the feelings that I have surpressed and they would come back. It is best to leave them buried if you want to continue in your marriage. It is so easy to fall into being vulnerable to that person if contact starts back up.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 11:07am

Hi ILHSAA

I don't think you are being a bitch by not responding.  I think you are protecting yourself from getting involved in a situation that created a lot of pain and drama for you...and you know logically that you shouldn't go there ever again.  I think you are responding similar to the way a junkie will always respond, even though years out of their addiction, just at the sight of their drug of choice.  Just that years down the line, they recognize the addiction...and now know enough that it will pass as long as they don't break their sobriety.

My initial gut feeling is that he is fishing simply because it was a great ego boost for him to rag around a married woman.  He didn't come to you after his divorce.  He obviously meant more to you than you did to him.  

I'd hit reject or whatever you need to click on to get rid of the friend request and try not to think further about it.  Remember back how badly it made you feel...believe me, it won't be any different a second go around.  If anything it'll be worse because you will have taught him that he can mistreat you because you will be mistreating yourself by going back for more mistreatment.

You don't want to go there, and you are the only one who can prevent yourself from doing so.  

Welcome to EAS

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 10:09am

Post in, and let us know how you are doing today.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS