I'm New and So Very Devestated

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
I'm New and So Very Devestated
5
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 8:18pm

Here is my story.. might sound familiar as some might be in similar situations... and then again.. it may seem alien as I feel I am the only one who is in such a horrible place life.
My husband and i have been married for 12 years. Three years ago, he replapsed and started drinking again..(he's a recovering alcoholic). We had been seperated for approximately 5 months and I could not take my small chidren home because hubby was there and was fully saturated and refused to stop drinking. I didn't want them to grow up in that type of enviroment,as I had when I was a child. My father was and still is an alcoholic. I knew, however that I had to find a place for my children to live in a stable enviroment. I felt as tho I had no one..and then came this OM. We became close and he knew of my situation. So when he extended the invitation for us to stay at his home.. and give stability to my children, I hestitated... but knew I had no other alternative. I also wanted to feel loved... and he provided this.
We lived in the same home for about 6 months.. hubby only knowing that we were with friends as his drinking gave him no extra time for the children and certainly none for myself. Yes, strings did become attached with staying with this OM. And yet, I knew of nothing more to do. I believed that I was falling in love with him at the time.. I now know that it was wonderuful to feel desirable sexually and to feel loved otherwise, but I am not IN love.
Hubby went to rehab and became sober.. wanted his children and me back home.. the kids wanted to come back home.. so we did.
When I got home.. I discovered that I was pregnant.. I knew tht the baby belonged to the OM.. But for some idiotic reason.. I couldn't tell hubby that. So he believes the baby is his.
The man knows I live at home but he also believes that we stay here alone.. without hubby (hubby just got BACK out of rehab again too)... We live in seperate towns.. but still close.
I feel as though my life is worth nothing much.I have feelings for both.. but I can't say that I am in love with either, because I'm not. I feel as though my entire life is nothing more than a big fat lie. I can't go on living this way.
The OM doesnt support the baby.. if I were to need anything desperatly, I would have to beg for it..so there is no child support involved as the baby took my last name.
I want out of it all... I don't know how to be able to move on with life.. how to just get out of it all before I decide one day that I can't take any of it anymore.
Even though I care for the baby primarliy by myself..the babys parents are listed as myself and my hubby.
What should I do to get away from the OM? I truthfully don't want him hurt.. or anyone..(I know, a bit too late for that).. I harbor intense anger for my hubby due to the fact that I wouldn't have had to find a place for our children and myself to stay IF he had only remained sober and not abusive. I try not not to let it show tho..
Am I the horrible lowlife creature that I believe that I am????? Am I correct in assuming that my case is unusual and that I deserve every bit of hell that I now embrace??
My emotional status detriorates daily and I need to hear from others that MAYBE could understand even slightly...
Anyone have any thoughts or advice for me? Please???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 8:54pm
Don't have any advice - but just a warning - hopefully your username isn't your real name and you have too much info out there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 9:45pm

Mckenna

"""Am I the horrible lowlife creature that I believe that I am????? Am I correct in assuming that my case is unusual and that I deserve every bit of hell that I now embrace??"""

The to both your questions is a resounding NO, your husband played a huge role in this whole thing he put you in a place were you had little option to do other then what you did.

The past cannot be changed only the future, go through legal aid and get paternity tests done on your child then get a court child support your child is intitled to that support.

If there is any way possible you should get into individual counceling to help deal with the hurt and anger you have bottled up inside due to your husbands drinking and abuse or it will continue to affect your life and that of your children.

Maybe after getting professional help you will feel differently about your husband but you should take every possible step to legaly protect yourself and your children from both men.

Feel welcome to post as often as you feel it will help you.

Peace

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 7:45am
Not real name.
Thank you you , free.... so much for you post , it means so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 4:33pm
Hi. Because of the alcoholic relationships you have had in your life i.e. your father, husband, I strongly suggest that you get to Al-Anon. I truly believe that it can help you with all that you are struggling with. Check into it. You may find it to be the lifesaver you are looking for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 7:02pm

While your post doesn't mention it, it seems to me that you could use the help of your local social services department at the county or township level. Also some individual counseling as well as group support.


Your level of exposure to alcoholics is troubling to me. Ditto for the kids.


Please consider my suggestions and send me a spearate email if necessary for reference contacts in your area.


cl-nre