Im not having an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Im not having an affair
7
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 11:04pm
But im curious. I cant stop thinking of this one guy, its driving me insane!! Its been going on for 2 years now..I have no idea if his feelings are mutual. Im married, hes engaged. I feel like a young teen that has her first crush. I need to know how he feels, I need to know if he respects me. Maybe because i have such a low self esteem and the need for someone other than my husband to find me interesting, attractive etc. He is about 5 yrs younger than me, and he is totally different from me as well. We have so many different opinions..but also have many that are alike. I just dont know what to do..I am wondering if I should just tell him my feelings because it is literally driving me crazy. THe only thing is that Im a little overweight...and I feel soo incredibly disgusting at times that how can anyone be interested? But he shows it, I mean he always talks to me, he laughs at me, he picks on me, he makes me mad...ok..so this has happened only twice...the first time he had no idea..the second, he apologized..which was amazing because he is the type that WILL not say he is wrong. LOL I have been learning alot about myself lately. I always said I would NEVER cheat..EVER...I cant say that anymore...because I just dont know. I have then thought about why im craving attention from others and I think I have come up with the answer. Having intellegent conversations...My dh is awesome, understanding and does everything he can to make me happy...except he has some reading and spelling problems as well as other problems and I dont remember ever having a "real" conversation with him. I feel horrible for saying that...but I just cant figure it out. I read that when there are affairs..that usually the spouse will have 90 percent of what your looking for..but you end up finding the 10 percent that he/she is missing from another person. I also read and I cant remember the numbers but it was on this site...of the percentages of affairs in marriages. The numbers were outrageous, I thikn it was close to 90 percent of married couples..again, Im not sure..that seems so high...I will look for it again. OH well, thanks for letting me vent. It is appreciated....DOes anyone suggest I spill my guts? Im really shy when it comes to talking to him, I get all nervous and my body and voice just shuts down...LOL I am fine within my work area...but once we leave that space..its nerve racking. I guess the only thing im afraid of is that he will tell me, he is not interested..or that he finds me disgusting..which im positive wouldnt happen..LOL anwyas..thanks for reading if you made it this far..LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 11:22pm
HI

Spill your guts:: NO a thousand times NO

NO CONTACT with this guy or you could end up loseing the 90 percent to get the 10 percent, real good husbands are hard to come by and if you screw this up one of us or someone like us will take him off your hands before you know we have done it.

Playing with this fantasy could send your life to hell real quick.

This is not about your husband this is about "YOU" you need to fix you not destroy your marriage.

Think about it.

F

PS Your stat info is wrong by the way, almost 50 percent of marriages are touched by affairs of some sort, I think it is 80 - 85 of those that are end up in divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 12:35am
Telling someone your feelings like this is the first step to an affair.

I promise. I'm single & it's a highly effective way to pique ANY guy's interest much less someone who's attached, possibly having cold feet & maybe wanting one last "safe" fling that his fiancee will "never" know about. I've gotten single guys interested in me with this kind of conversation as well.

It's EXACTLY how my 3 year affair started -- with my so-called best guy friend for many years, who was married. He finagled a way for us to have a so-called innocent evening out (his W out of town with the kids, my kids out of town with their dad, my Ex, & he actually got his W to suggest that he call "poor and see if she wants to go to the play with you since we have the tickets & I can't go". We went to the play & at the end of a really wonderful, innocent-to-that-point evening, he announced he'd "been in love for years."

3 mos. and many conversations later about his feelings & my growing feelings, we were having an affair. Don't EVEN get that started. Read the posts here -- it's a huge emotional mess & it's incredibly difficult to end. It becomes like a drug addiction. Save yourself the heartache & mess -- I'm over one year affair free and I've never been happier.

Please don't discuss your feelings with this guy. Figure out why you are having these feelings -- what's missing in your relationship/life that you're trying to fill with these feelings. Fix yourself -- don't make a mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 7:45am
Thanks for the responses, I appreciate them. I really dont think I would ever tell him..I just get that strong urge sometimes. I understand what you guys are saying...thanks for being truthful and honest. And sorry about the wrong stats..LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:37am
extremely confuzed~

Recognize this is about YOU....this OM is filling some void within you. My suggestions: immediately talk to your husband! This needs to be dispelled as quickly as possible, and the ONLY way to damper it is to talk to your h about it....tell him that there is someone at work that makes you feel so alive and its scaring you. IF you can't say that to your h without some MAJOR explosion--then look at that. Many, many of us here have gotten into these situations because of communication and intimacy problems in the marriage.

When you ignore your spouse on some intimate level (whether emotional or physical) that's when another begins to look good and eventually leads to straying. You have already identified some things about your h that is lacking....can you change that about him? No. Can you accept that side of him? Maybe. Can you BOTH AS A COUPLE change the way you interact....you bet!

DO NOT tell OM of your feelings! Those of us who have btdt, will only tell you of the disasterous results that occur. He cannot provide to you what you want or feel that you need. Heck, your h can't even really do that...but he can compliment you in ways.

Keep reading and posting any questions.

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:27pm
Dharma, thanks for your advice but I cant talk to my dh. I did tell him of my feelings a couple months ago. I told him I felt so guilty and that I couldnt stop thinking of this man. He didnt seem to worried and he laughed at me. I regretted telling him after because then all it was..was..If so and so did it...if i was so and so. Granted, it was all in good nature...but I feel it was his worry and insecurities coming out the only way he knows how. WHile, I do understand why he would feel that way I dont want to tell him anymore for fear of worrying him. IM almost positive i know what is missing but I cant do anything about it..and I do accept him, I have for the past 10 years. I thikn what this other guy has is intellegence. My dh has some hard times with spelling and reading, and he cant talk straight..always gets tongue tied..but its cute..LOL He definately has a learning disability that noone ever took care of when he was a kid. (as a matter of fact, I think its pretty close to the same problems my daughter has) ANyways, Im not trying to sound rude towards him because thats not how I feel at all. WIth that being said, to tell him my feelings, or talk to him is impossible because I dont think he is able to comprehend the talk that requires to understand things psychologically...does that make sense to you? I seriously dont think I would or could have an affair..but I cant say NEVER, I guess I would just like to know that someone finds me attractive period..maybe I crave attention..I dontknow..I only know I have a low self esteem and im trying to fix it. Thanks again for all your time in reading my posts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 3:10am
Hi, I wish I had known about this board prior to my affairs. I think it was very intelligent of you to come here first.

That said please learn from my experience: After I had my second child I began a flirtation w/ a guy I worked w/. It was the first time in a long time that I felt remotely sexy or deserving of attention. I told my h about the guy at work & he actually encouraged an affair. Since he was the only man I had ever been w/ he wanted to give me the oppurtunity to see what else was out there.Big mistake! So I had a brief two time fling w/ this guy. I never developed feelings for him but we did end up getting called into our hr office because of nasty little rumors going around. Turns out my h didn't like the idea of sharing me after all & we lost the "sacred" part of us which was he had been my first & my only.

Our communication deteriorated & we were fighting all the time. Then I had my 2nd A which I just ended,this time my h knew nothing. I still can't help but feel that if I hadn't had my first fling that this never would have happened.

Write down your feelings about this other guy in a letter saying exactly how you feel then burn it.Writing things down always helps me release thoughts so I don't obsess over them. It might be necessary for you to repeat this until you are over your "crush". Next sign up for an exercise class it will boost the feel good chemicals in your brain, burn calories & give you the opportunity to meet new people.Try new things & explore what is out there. Maybe you & your h can take a class together. My h & I are doing a rock climbing class & then a whitewater rafting trip.It has really helped get some of the fun back into our relationship. It sounds like you are feeeling imho stuck in a rut. The only person who can validate how attractive you are is you. 100 good looking men could all say you were gorgeous but if you don't feel it& see it for yourself it won't matter. Good Luck to you!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 5:16pm
i agree with everyone! i kno my A started because i needed that kind of validation in my life. the A pretty much counteracted what i wanted it to do. it has only made me feel worse.

i totally can relate to u, floatingonair. i am my bf first and only. my bf was my first and only for so long. he doesnt kno about the A tho. i feel like i have betrayed that purity of our relationship, which has led me to feel even worse.

but i am working thru it and learning from my mistakes