I'm not sure...
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| Mon, 07-12-2010 - 10:19pm |
I wasn't sure but I get the feeling that because I still have LC with my XAP and not NC (even though I am trying and haven't had ANY at all), that maybe I should be on the other board. I don't know. I just feel like I don't belong there because to me, this affair is over. I know that so many don't approve that I am not adhering to NC as of yet but I truly do believe that the way I am going about this is what's best for me. And after Saturday (which will be the only time I HAVE to see him because of the concert) I will not speak to him or see him.
I feel like this is where I belong. I feel like I am going through a breakup and I wouldn't feel that way if this was still an ongoing thing. Actually, as much as I'll miss the physical aspect of our relationship what I miss most already is our friendship. I had my first guitar lesson yesterday and I wanted so badly to call him and tell him about it and then I remembered that I couldn't. I spoke to a friend of mine today and he mentioned having seeing my XAP last night and just hearing his name made me feel like my insides were being ripped out of me.
Then I remember how it feels when he speaks about his wife. Or how it feels when I have to leave after we have sex just in case his brother walks in. Or how we can't cuddle because it's not supposed to be emotional. Or how I have to be quiet whenever his wife or brother call. And how I cry every time I have to leave him. And how I cry when I'm with him because being with him and knowing that a physical relationship and friendship are all we will ever have. (Well, all we ever had.)
I have felt so empowered the last few days. I felt like I was ready to take back my life and I have been taking such huge steps to do so. Today was the first day I actually felt sad. I allowed my room to become extremely cluttered and disorganized and just plain messy since this affair began. I set a goal for myself to clean it and obviously the cleaning of my room was symbolic of cleaning up my life. But it turned into something completely different and I became overwhelmed and all the change just got to me. I'm sure the sadness will pass. Actually, I will make sure that it does. But I also know that it's important for me to allow myself to feel sad once in awhile. I just can't lose myself in it or him anymore.
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent. I guess I wrote this because I just wasn't sure if I was welcome here because I still have LC with him. But like I said, I don't feel comfortable posting on the other board because to me this affair is over. I guess, much like my life, I'm not sure where I belong right now.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
-livetolaugh

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Dear livetolaugh,
Doesn't mean you still have contact w/ xap (LC) that you don't belong here.
LTL,
Hello, I am thinking about what u stated on whether u belong here or not. I think you may Want to read the thread on LC. It usually invovles a work place. Or inlaws, or neighbors. Are u in any of the three? LC is encouraged when u do not have a choice to be around Xap. From what I gather from your posts, u continue to be in LC because you choose to. If I am wrong, please accept my apologies.
LC/NC are very difficult. Esp LC. Many women struggle with it daily. Some women switch jobs due to it's complexity. They would rather avoid seeing them daily. Appears you voluntarily do it.
Do u see how that may be unfair to the board? This is for Enders. I am not saying u r not welcome here. I am just saying u really need to end it. You don't have to be around his fam. In fact, imagine how u will look to all of them if it got out. Seriously. Remove urself from all of this asap. We will be hear to get u thru.
Just let it all go. However you wish, let it go. The ties u have need to all be broken. They are casualties of the A, that's the end result of the A. One we have to accept due to our part in the A. Let the ship sail.
We can support you...when it's over. U can do that today if u want to. Just make the decision to be NC.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
I am in LC with my xAP.
Babysteps
...even if it is all I can do, I can take one babystep.
NC/LC since May 21, 2010
I completely understand what you are saying and I would never want to be unfair to anyone on this board. Maybe for the time being (even though this A is over), I will go to the other board.
But I just want to quickly explain why NC isn't possible right now. My XAP's brother is my best friend. His family is my second family and has been since I was a kid. It's nearly impossible for us not to cross paths. However, I am not at all actively making contact with him. It's been nearly a week with NC (which might not seem like much but for us, it's huge.) My XAP lives with his brother and I live there most of the time with them which I am obviously no longer going to do. I haven't been there in probably over a month. If I call my best friend, it's always a possibility that my XAP will answer the phone. Little things like that which I am doing my best to avoid happening. The only obligation I have in seeing him is for a concert this weekend which we planned 8 months ago. After that, NC is my goal.
As far as what would happen if it got out, his brother already suspects and his aunt pretty much knows. It isn't fully out but they have already caught on that something is going on. It may sound ridiculous but I am not willing to give up my second family for my XAP. I am willing to give HIM up and most of the time I would rather him go back to his wife so that it would force us to stay away from each other. But that hasn't happened yet and so far I think I am doing a pretty good job at maintaining NC. Other than the concert, I have NO reason in the world to see or speak to him.
Anyway, that's my explanation. I'm sorry if it sounds stupid or wrong but that's what I'm struggling with right now. I guess I will go on the other board. Thank you for your input though.
Sincerely,
LTL
Hello,
I am a middle of the board poster. I am a supertweener. Its not been all that long since I felt like you. I am a middle of the board poster because I am not harsh. I give tough love but only when necessary. N even then I am not that harsh. I say this so you know the context in which I am saying what I am about to say.
Your very post said you are doing what's best for you....Do you think you are in a position to make decisions for yourself? Do you even trust yourself? I did not at your stage, most of us did not. It was your judgement that got you in this very situation. Keep that in mind.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Don't go to the other board.
Babysteps
...even if it is all I can do, I can take one babystep.
NC/LC since May 21, 2010
I really do trust myself. I didn't before... at all. I didn't think I was strong enough to make my own decisions and stick with them. Now I do. I have been doing things for myself everyday to build that self-esteem again and regain control and I truly believe that it's working. My perspective has changed and I feel different.
And sure enough, you felt crappy after the fact.
I didn't feel worse. I felt empowered. I left screaming (but in a good way). Not screaming at him but screaming at myself that I let myself live like this for so long. I wasn't sad. I wasn't upset. I was excited and relieved that I FINALLY felt good leaving. I sang the entire way home as opposed to crying like I usually do.
Sell the ticket and if it all possible see the performance in a nearby city or something.
Music is my therapy. It's what makes me feel alive. This is my favorite band and I have been looking forward to this concert for 8 months. After this, they aren't touring for a year and I will not give up the one thing that I have been looking forward to just because he will be there. I will make the best of it. We will be with tons of other people so I do not have to stand next to him or hang out with him if I don't want to- which I don't and I won't. But I've given up enough for him over the past year and I refuse to give up the one thing that makes me happy. Music contributes to my well being and him being there will not take away from my happiness. I will NOT allow it and before if I said that, it would have been me lying to myself. Now I believe it because now I believe that I am strong enough and deserve better.
You talk to her and you are having sex with HER HUSBAND.
I don't talk to her. I used to when I was younger about 10/15 years ago. Now we talk in passing when we see each other which is maybe once a year if that much. She is not a part of my life. I said I WOULD talk to her FOR him to help him get home but that was temporary insanity and has since passed.
Why are you living there? And how doyou manage to decieve them all and co-habitate is beyond me.
I misspoke. I do not LIVE with them but I used to be there so often that I might as well have. I spent a week there at a time, would go home for a day or two and go back. His brother was dating my best friend and my XAP and I were best friends so the four of us hung out together all the time. Like I said, I haven't been there in over a month.
And rather than them detest you, I would just walk away...not only for them but for you to get your act together. Do you really think you can kick this filthy habit without you distancing yourself from all of them? Living right in the midst of an A is not going to get you out of one. Just letting you know.
His aunt has been helping me get through this and doesn't detest me at all. She is extremely supportive of me and wants what is best for the both of us. Granted if she had her way, my XAP would divorce his wife and be with me but she knows that it can't happen and is helping me work through NC and getting over him. She respects that I don't want to hear his name or anything about him. We only talk about him when I need to vent.
Regarding his brother, I am not giving him up. I don't have to see my XAP because I have friends with his brother. Instead of calling the house, I'll call his cell. Instead of going there to hang out, he'll come here. It's manageable.
I just refuse to give up anymore of life to him than I already have. I truly believe that I have found the strength I need to get through this. Yes, I am hurting. Yes, I miss him. Yes, I'm sad. But I know now that just because I love him and just because we share something special doesn't mean that it's meant to be. In keeping myself involved with him, I am putting my emotional and mental well being in harms way and I refuse to do that any longer. He told me that I deserve better and I FINALLY believe that I do and I'm working really hard on maintaining that perspective. Each day I set goals for myself so that I feel good accomplished and know that I am worth loving. Through all of this I stopped loving myself and I am getting back to a place where I can again and I am incredibly proud of myself.
-LTL
I apologize but my html skills are very lacking.
Your post made me cry. Thank you so much. Seriously. Thank you. I don't even know what else to say other than THANK YOU!
I just want to clarify one thing and I'm sorry it got misinterpreted. I wrote like I speak which is a bad habit on the internet because people don't always realize what I mean. When I said I "lived" with them, I didn't mean that I actually LIVE with them. I meant that I was over there so much that I might as well have. I explained it in a reply to another post if you want to read that. I don't want to bore you with it again. But I think- I HOPE- that I explained it better there. Please take a look if you can and let me know if I cleared anything up.
Again, thank you so much for your support. I was ready to leave EAS because I felt like this was the wrong place for me and that I was making people uncomfortable. I'm sorry for that. That was never my intention. But I did end this A and it is OVER. Although, like I said before, I'm not sure he realizes how serious I am. Or maybe he does. We haven't spoken in days so he might get the hint. Sigh. My heart hurts. But thank you for making me feel welcome and comfortable on this board. I really sincerely appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
-LTL
Now that u have explained things, that helps. While I do not agree with all ur reasoning, I can see the picture better than previously. U certainly cleared things up. I would not like it if u are on MAS, that's a sad, scary place for me to see anyone to be.
I hope u understand we are all very protective of this board. U will understand why very soon, provided u stick around. No apology was necessary. I meant to say that in my last post
luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
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