I'm not sure...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
I'm not sure...
11
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 10:19pm

I wasn't sure but I get the feeling that because I still have LC with my XAP and not NC (even though I am trying and haven't had ANY at all), that maybe I should be on the other board. I don't know. I just feel like I don't belong there because to me, this affair is over. I know that so many don't approve that I am not adhering to NC as of yet but I truly do believe that the way I am going about this is what's best for me. And after Saturday (which will be the only time I HAVE to see him because of the concert) I will not speak to him or see him.

I feel like this is where I belong. I feel like I am going through a breakup and I wouldn't feel that way if this was still an ongoing thing. Actually, as much as I'll miss the physical aspect of our relationship what I miss most already is our friendship. I had my first guitar lesson yesterday and I wanted so badly to call him and tell him about it and then I remembered that I couldn't. I spoke to a friend of mine today and he mentioned having seeing my XAP last night and just hearing his name made me feel like my insides were being ripped out of me.

Then I remember how it feels when he speaks about his wife. Or how it feels when I have to leave after we have sex just in case his brother walks in. Or how we can't cuddle because it's not supposed to be emotional. Or how I have to be quiet whenever his wife or brother call. And how I cry every time I have to leave him. And how I cry when I'm with him because being with him and knowing that a physical relationship and friendship are all we will ever have. (Well, all we ever had.)

I have felt so empowered the last few days. I felt like I was ready to take back my life and I have been taking such huge steps to do so. Today was the first day I actually felt sad. I allowed my room to become extremely cluttered and disorganized and just plain messy since this affair began. I set a goal for myself to clean it and obviously the cleaning of my room was symbolic of cleaning up my life. But it turned into something completely different and I became overwhelmed and all the change just got to me. I'm sure the sadness will pass. Actually, I will make sure that it does. But I also know that it's important for me to allow myself to feel sad once in awhile. I just can't lose myself in it or him anymore.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent. I guess I wrote this because I just wasn't sure if I was welcome here because I still have LC with him. But like I said, I don't feel comfortable posting on the other board because to me this affair is over. I guess, much like my life, I'm not sure where I belong right now.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

-livetolaugh

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 4:39pm

Thank you. I understand and appreciate why you are all so protective of this board and I really truly respect that which is why I had to ask if I belonged here.

I know that some of my reasoning is hard for people to understand and I get why. Trust me, I do. I am not the type of person to run from or deny things so I will fully admit when I am rationalizing or being ridiculous. I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong.

The thing that I try to take notice of is that each situation, no matter how similar, is always different as much as it is the same. Each situation has its own set of circumstances and not all "rules" can necessarily apply to each. Some may have to be altered to fit that particular situation. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though we are all in (or have been in the same boat), all of our situations are still unique. So while my reasoning for approaching this like I am might seem "off" in some ways, I am doing what I feel is best. Does that make any sense at all or did I just ramble? Haha.

Anyway, thank you again for understanding and for welcoming me here. I respect the support that everyone here has for each other and I hope that now that I've clarified things that I can be welcomed here, too.

-LTL

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