" I'm out " is all I got today.
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| Wed, 04-28-2010 - 1:10pm |
Well EAS'ers, I could use some support today. In summary, XMM and I have been LC for 2 mths post a 16 mth A. We are LC due to a work relationship that is off and on anyway, Im hoping we end the work R here soon with the help of upper management.
XMM emailed me today and I fell into his trap and we tossed back and forth some thoughts about our "love for each other" that we had, our marriages and our future. It started out innocently enough with sharing thoughts on how much we will always respect and care for one another. Then stupid STUPID me said told him that I loved him more than he could ever imagine and only wanted him to love me back. He told me that I wasnt getting what I needed from him (spot on there) and that he couldnt devote himself to work and a direction for his marriage while still trying to respect me, blah, blah, blah. I knew all this stuff already and we hashed it out months ago.
Things turned kind of heated and I told him that no matter how much he has in his bank account, that my life will always be more rich than his and that he was a very selfish man at times. After all that I had been willing to dedicate to this a$$hole, he then sends me "Im out" as a response.
I send him an email stating that I wish him well, and that I hope he can work on his marriage, to be patient with his wife becasue he has really hurt her (he had a dday) and that I would never contact him to jepordize his marriage, I will just pick up my toys and go home. Ive heard nothing back which is fine because I DO hope this is finally over. It stings but Im so worn out and beat down from all the emotional turmoil that this A has casued so at this point its no longer a loss, but a move in the right direction.
I just hope that he doesnt try to contact me out of spite. My H doenst know about my A and I want to keep it that way. Im just a little unsettled now that we had this heated session and dont want him to out me on the biggest mistake that I have ever made. KWIM???
We wouldnt have had a future together, he is very insecure, selfish and a he brought out the same in me even though I am none of those things. I hope he got the hint today that I have let him go and I WASNT getting what I needed from him but after all of this time I guess that I expected a little bit more respect than "Im out" . But then again A's are not about respect, they are about getting our own needs met.
I have come so far since ending things in January and Im close to feeling like fog has cleared, I guess today was just another example of why I am so glad that we are done.
GMLB

GMLB,
I'm sorry for what you went through today, but I'm glad you took the time to share it with us.
GMLB,
I saw that no one had responded to your post and quite frankly, Im' not quite sure what to say either, other than I hope this is the last time you hold your hand over the fire. Here is a (((hug))) because I remember the pitted feeling in my gut when Xmm and I used to have harsh words (before) the final straw was broken. He had a way of making me feel like a child. (hell, I was certainly acting like one.) ;-)
When we slip back into the mind set that perhaps there is no harm done in exchanging a few words and thoughts, is when we are expecting a different result this time around. But it never happens, honey. A bad situation remains a bad situation, and no matter how many words you throw at one another in hopes to hear what
~Iddy~
GMLB-
I am sorry you are hurting and had to go through this today. I've been tempted on many occassions to have that one more conversation... that "closure" talk, but I haven't caved into and it I've
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
GMLB,
I am so sorry to hear you are in this place right now. You have offered me some amazing advice over the past few weeks on here and given me support and understanding...all I can do is return it to you. I have been strong in my resolve not to contact xap...I KNOW I will NOT, but my biggest fear is him contacting me... that will be the biggest test for me. To hold onto my strength, to not grasp for some sort of closure I'll never get, to hear him tell me why tf he just suddenly stopped talking to me 58 days ago... but hopefully that time will never happen and I can continue to move forward.
I feel your pain, and I am sure for a few moments he gave you a feel good or two...but NO ONE needs to tell you how wrong it was to assume the pain was not going to follow this decision. Huge HUGS to you as I am sure over the course of the next few days, the raw fresh wound will need some TLC. You are with all of us and not alone in this. Stay strong and start again.
We are never respected in affairs, but we are not respectful either, and apparently, you xap couldn't take your saying that your life will be richer without him (not like it matters now anyway). My x did things that no other man in my life ever dared to do, and memories of some of them still sting. On the other hand, I was never that insecure, bitchy, clingy and demanding with any other man in my life either - I guess, affairs just bring out the worst in us. At some point, I started to hate my x - and honestly, I knew him before we started seeing each other and I LIKED him - I thought, he is a really nice man, he is highly respected at work and in reality, he is not that ugly selfish monster who was out only to hurt me while we were in affair.
GMLB, hugs to you and try to avoid getting personal at work. I know how frustrating LC is, especially when one of both cannot let go.