I'm pathetic..weak..hopeless....
Find a Conversation
I'm pathetic..weak..hopeless....
| Tue, 07-27-2010 - 11:07am |
Hi there....
I am pathetic as they come..weak..dilusional..guilty..senseless..foolish...
I just can't do this anymore and yet I do it to myself..
I had posted about a month ago when the A ended, so as to say. To summarize, last year our affair ended abruptly with the Dday for both him and I. Not a day had gone by that I did not hope he would come back into my life. As with most affairs before it had ended we declared our love for each other and that it would never change. Four months later we came to run into each other, had coffee a few times, decided to be friends...and we all know what happens with that! Well, since that first meeting again, he had been very aloof and upfront that our R could not bs as it was before because he was unable to give me that. It has been very rocky, painful, and unacceptable emotionally to say the least..and I told him so. He said he couldn't do this to me or himself anymore but that he wants to maintain contact. Mind you, he seriously does only want to be friends and nothing more. With how painful the relationship has been the past 6 months, I can't have that anyhow. This past month of occasional contact does not work either which I know I never should have let happen to begin with. Yesterday I told him that I can't do this anymore, I can't pretend it's ok. We, for the most part, said our goodbyes. The issue I'm dealing with now is having the strength to maintain NC because I feel so empty, can't imagine him not in myife, I can't breath, I can't stop the tears from welling up. The addictive aspect may get the better of me and I'll feel like telling him it's ok to maintain some contact..I I feel like I miss him now more than ever. I feel as if I am still in love with him...which I know is why I have to let him go. Pathetically, I keep thinking that I can't do it....
HELP....whatever you need to tell me, I can take it (I think :-(
I am pathetic as they come..weak..dilusional..guilty..senseless..foolish...
I just can't do this anymore and yet I do it to myself..
I had posted about a month ago when the A ended, so as to say. To summarize, last year our affair ended abruptly with the Dday for both him and I. Not a day had gone by that I did not hope he would come back into my life. As with most affairs before it had ended we declared our love for each other and that it would never change. Four months later we came to run into each other, had coffee a few times, decided to be friends...and we all know what happens with that! Well, since that first meeting again, he had been very aloof and upfront that our R could not bs as it was before because he was unable to give me that. It has been very rocky, painful, and unacceptable emotionally to say the least..and I told him so. He said he couldn't do this to me or himself anymore but that he wants to maintain contact. Mind you, he seriously does only want to be friends and nothing more. With how painful the relationship has been the past 6 months, I can't have that anyhow. This past month of occasional contact does not work either which I know I never should have let happen to begin with. Yesterday I told him that I can't do this anymore, I can't pretend it's ok. We, for the most part, said our goodbyes. The issue I'm dealing with now is having the strength to maintain NC because I feel so empty, can't imagine him not in myife, I can't breath, I can't stop the tears from welling up. The addictive aspect may get the better of me and I'll feel like telling him it's ok to maintain some contact..I I feel like I miss him now more than ever. I feel as if I am still in love with him...which I know is why I have to let him go. Pathetically, I keep thinking that I can't do it....
HELP....whatever you need to tell me, I can take it (I think :-(

Pages
Dear New,
Welcome back (I hope).
You know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. If you have been reading here you know that we all crawled from the same dark deep well to this board feeling hopeless, lost, scared & confused. With our hearts breaking and dignity gone, we reach a hand up just knowing someone
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi Tnsnew,
Whenever I see a post about someone not being “strong enough” to end it, my response is that it takes a lot of strength to continue in an A. It takes a ton of strength and stress to keep up the duplicity even in an EA which is what happens to most when they try the friends route. You had enough strength to get in it so you have enough strength to get out of it!
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thank you for words of wisdom...
Empowerment1,
What are you waiting on to make the changes necessary to move forward in a positive direction in your life?)--I don't honestly have an answer for that..I know things don't just happen on their own. I feel as if I have no motivation.
Have you started work yet?--No I have not started working yet, however, I did finally receive my NY license (after three years of being here!..procrastination is an issue of mine)
Why have you allowed yourself to be completely wrapped up in this fantasy? You have a whole other life with your H and kids and you are putting all your energy here…why? What is going on in your RL that you are ignoring, avoiding not dealing with?--I ask myself the same question..sometimes I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I have battled with anxiety/depression and it took me to a place I don't want to give up (which I do understand is a fantasy but haven't believed it). I have a great husband who treats me well (sometimes too needy) but there was definitely something missing even before the A. I almost wish sometimes that I could speak of my H having issues I wish he could change...That is one thing I fear because I don't feel as if I will fall in love with him again. (I've been meaning to write on your post under "married" about this)
Anyhow, maybe I'm just not the person I always thought I was. Maybe I am a cold heartless b@@@@! I just feel like I don't know who I am, where I'm going, where's up or down, and what's in store for my life... I'm just drained...
I'm sorry for being so gloomy.
The good part of your post is that you used the word “I’ a lot.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hello from me,
I havent spoken to you before I dont think, but
Well, I'm pretty sure the "it" I was referring to was the depression, however I know I can't blame my actions solely on that mental state. In regards to him only being a catalyst, I only WISH that was truly what I believed. As most of us honestly believe/believed it to be true, I fell in love with him, and I continue to love him dearly...which again is why I must do this as painful and difficult as it will be (probably moreso initially than the pain the R causes). To make it easier, I try imagining the negative aspects of him as many speak of xaps and it's very difficult as he does not have many of those traits...which again makes it more difficult. PLEAse..try to convince me otherwise! I think initially we all have to continually try to "convince" ourselves... I do completely understand the "drug" concept though..again, it's the convincing...
E1, I want to thank you so much for your communication...it helps tremendously...as does this entire board. Thank you so much :)... And by the way, no anal leakage here!...lol
"To make it easier, I try imagining the negative aspects of him as many speak of xaps and it's very difficult as he does not have many of those traits...which again makes it more difficult."
Please define the traits of a person who is able to successfully pull off engaging in an A. I will start you off. In order to be in an affair, affair partners MUST become:
1. Successful liars
2. Manipulators
3. Untrustworthy
4. Professional actors
5. Deceivers
6. Robbers
7. Emotionally stunted
8. Intellectually warped
9. Selfish
It is the fog talking TNSNEW - regardless of whatever feelings were shared between the two of you, at the very least, you each possessed the above stated qualities (as we all did) while entering & engaging in the A. Stop framing him as your true love that got away and start focusing on the reality of your A, yourself and your xAP.
I don't think this is about fabricating something horrific to convince ourselves of so we can get out of the A, it is about being truly honest with ourselves about the INTRINSIC nature of As.
Please keep working through the fog.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hello tnsnew
I think you will never know the true cause, I suffered from depression the first time around the same time as my affair.
I was honest with the doctor and told him all about my feelings, how my head didnt belong to me etc; he was very good and said the same he isnt the cause, hes merely got caught up in the place you are at the moment... (please don`t do anything with this man he said as your not in the right place mentally to make the right judgement) I went 2 weeks to late for that, I already had- and so the battle commenced: I hope this makes sense to you?!
I truely thought I loved this man... I would have walked bare foot on broken glass to get to him....It WAS love... but now i look back and see what I was being told.
You dont have to hate this man, but you have to love yourself more... I have been on a path of self harm for 4 years and I cant do it anymore! I need to stop... I dont hate him, I care for him but. and its a big BUT I have to care for me more.
It wont happen overnight and it is hard and you may think you will die from the heartache.. but you wont... you will eventually see the light and when you do, you will see the light was there all the time, but it was dulled by the fog.
Sending you my wishes and good luck
SB x
You really think this MM is a nice guy. Imagine how many lies we told our spouses during our A. Imagine how we looked into our H's eyes and flat out lied. Imagine how we made our spouses believe that they were in a monogamous M. It takes a very deceptive person to pull off what we did. We weren't true to ourselves nor anyone else. Your xap is not a nice guy right now. He is a liar and manipulater and he is holding his W hostage in a M and sneaking around to be with another woman. Those characterists do not make a nice guy. If he is such a nice guy, why doesn't he tell his W the truth that he is in love with another woman. He doesn't tell the truth because he is being selfish and only thinking about what he wants.
You are also holding your DH hostage in a M where he thinks he has a faithful and loyal W. If you two are truly in love why not use the D-Day as a way to start a life together where you are not lying to your partners and holding them in a M and pretending that you want to be M to them. You know why, because what the two of you have is based on a lie and you both know that the two of you are creating a fantasy world. Put the two of you in a real relationship that is not hidden with children and bills and other things and you will see that the perfect A person doesn't even exist. Get your head out of the clouds and live your real life and make a decision about your M. Either you want to be M or you don't but an A is not the answer unless your DH agrees to be in an open M.
Pages