I'm pathetic..weak..hopeless....
Find a Conversation
I'm pathetic..weak..hopeless....
| Tue, 07-27-2010 - 11:07am |
Hi there....
I am pathetic as they come..weak..dilusional..guilty..senseless..foolish...
I just can't do this anymore and yet I do it to myself..
I had posted about a month ago when the A ended, so as to say. To summarize, last year our affair ended abruptly with the Dday for both him and I. Not a day had gone by that I did not hope he would come back into my life. As with most affairs before it had ended we declared our love for each other and that it would never change. Four months later we came to run into each other, had coffee a few times, decided to be friends...and we all know what happens with that! Well, since that first meeting again, he had been very aloof and upfront that our R could not bs as it was before because he was unable to give me that. It has been very rocky, painful, and unacceptable emotionally to say the least..and I told him so. He said he couldn't do this to me or himself anymore but that he wants to maintain contact. Mind you, he seriously does only want to be friends and nothing more. With how painful the relationship has been the past 6 months, I can't have that anyhow. This past month of occasional contact does not work either which I know I never should have let happen to begin with. Yesterday I told him that I can't do this anymore, I can't pretend it's ok. We, for the most part, said our goodbyes. The issue I'm dealing with now is having the strength to maintain NC because I feel so empty, can't imagine him not in myife, I can't breath, I can't stop the tears from welling up. The addictive aspect may get the better of me and I'll feel like telling him it's ok to maintain some contact..I I feel like I miss him now more than ever. I feel as if I am still in love with him...which I know is why I have to let him go. Pathetically, I keep thinking that I can't do it....
HELP....whatever you need to tell me, I can take it (I think :-(
I am pathetic as they come..weak..dilusional..guilty..senseless..foolish...
I just can't do this anymore and yet I do it to myself..
I had posted about a month ago when the A ended, so as to say. To summarize, last year our affair ended abruptly with the Dday for both him and I. Not a day had gone by that I did not hope he would come back into my life. As with most affairs before it had ended we declared our love for each other and that it would never change. Four months later we came to run into each other, had coffee a few times, decided to be friends...and we all know what happens with that! Well, since that first meeting again, he had been very aloof and upfront that our R could not bs as it was before because he was unable to give me that. It has been very rocky, painful, and unacceptable emotionally to say the least..and I told him so. He said he couldn't do this to me or himself anymore but that he wants to maintain contact. Mind you, he seriously does only want to be friends and nothing more. With how painful the relationship has been the past 6 months, I can't have that anyhow. This past month of occasional contact does not work either which I know I never should have let happen to begin with. Yesterday I told him that I can't do this anymore, I can't pretend it's ok. We, for the most part, said our goodbyes. The issue I'm dealing with now is having the strength to maintain NC because I feel so empty, can't imagine him not in myife, I can't breath, I can't stop the tears from welling up. The addictive aspect may get the better of me and I'll feel like telling him it's ok to maintain some contact..I I feel like I miss him now more than ever. I feel as if I am still in love with him...which I know is why I have to let him go. Pathetically, I keep thinking that I can't do it....
HELP....whatever you need to tell me, I can take it (I think :-(

Pages
I will never know the true cause...especially since I am also having trouble knowing what has happened with my M. I just feel as if there will never be a breaking point, the light, the lift, never. In addition, it's very hard to grieve when you can only grieve as a lonely soul, as my H knows only that the A ended last year. I'm just afraid I will be in limbo emotionally, numb. Another issue is that I have always lived with my heart controlling my head...Huge mistake..
SB, I so understand and it all makes sense. I wish you much luck with your battle also..your thought process seems very similar to mine. We will get through this together, all of us...I Hope :).
I have wondered though why men seem to be "ok" with just being friends and truly not want nothing more...
TU, thank you for bringing to light the traits he and I both have/do possess. That pedestal fog though is very very thick right now. The thoughts and feelings run amok at this time...hopefully the pull is towards the what's right. The path of least resistance is not the one I can take and I hope I can push through.
Wishingup, No I can not handle any contact as much as I would love to be able to. At one point I thought that if a bite was all I could have, then I'll take it. Well, we know what torture that actually is...the checking of emails, waiting, wishing, hoping. And when the contact does come, how we analyze each and every word for what it meant and what emotion was in it..pathetic like I said. Sometimes I actually feel as if I would love to hear him say he misses me and be able to ignore him thinking "huh, how does it feel"...bad of me I know.. But, that is of course one of the emotions I'm going through right now..as anger is sometimes much easier than pain, heartache, and sadness...
I LOVE your post.
Pages