I'm in a pickle & open to suggestions
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I'm in a pickle & open to suggestions
| Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:19am |
I thought I was in somewhat of a unique situation....but after reading some of the posts on this site, I might find myself preaching to the choir! I'd really love to have some guidance on how to gracefully deal with my weird situation.
After years of living in a sexless marriage (he's now impotent and won't seek medical or psychological advice) and desperate to find a solution but not wanting to hurt him or the kids, I fell in love with a MM who was, at the time, my best friend. And he fell hard for me too. It was VERY difficult for me to realize (and I think it was for him too) that we had each settled for mates that we were not very compatible with, and that for both of us our family situations (and positions within the community) made it pretty impossible to consider leaving our mates. I figured that if I could stay with my stable roommate and provide a nice home for my kids, while having a secret fulfilling emotional and sexual relationship with my friend, I'd be set for life. So...the pickle? His wife was also a very good friend. He too was in an unhappy family situation but didn't want to leave. It was hard to hide how we felt about each other, and his wife became suspicious of all the time we spent together, according to him she was very jealous and his life has been under a microscope since that point, and it's been very difficult to be together alone since that time. He's asked me to wait it out, but has become virtually inaccessible. It might be a good time to mention that we pretty much see each other every day. We hang out in the same tight circles, used to do a lot of family stuff together, and our professional lives are very much entertwined. There's a lot of baggage.
Over the last few months I feel that his wife has begun to treat me badly, probably because she's still jealous (even though he and I don't spend any time together anymore)and I allow her to, only because I'm trying to preserve my friendship with him. Forget the sex...which was the best I ever had...I miss being able to hang out with my best friend. However, because of his wife's jealousy, he seems to be trying to prove to her that I'm not important to him, and has pretty much ignored me even when we're at small dinner parties together and I try to make smalltalk with him. He's overreacting...well, he's acting like a guilty man! And I wish I could slap some sense into him! But instead I feel rejected, and second guess my worth to him, and end up being really frustrated and angry because he can't stand up for what used to be a great friendship. I know he's scared. But he's reacted so much to her jealousy and suspiciousness, that he feels he can't even say hello to me if she's in the room, and our relationship has been in a holding pattern for 6 months.
I've had a lot of time to think about my feelings and how emotionally this is just breaking me apart because not only have I lost an incredible lover that I needed so badly, but I've also lost my best friend. I've tried so hard to hold up my end...well both ends of the friendship actually, and it's so exhausting and frustrating because he's so inaccessible! So I've finally decided that it can't be worth putting any more energy into this any more. So I need to end it.
My pickle is this: I see him almost every day - usually with his wife in the room - in both professional and social settings. Everyone thinks we're all great friends, although underneath it all his wife is insanely jealous, my relationship with her has become very strained because she's said some pretty catty things & I'm furious with both of them...her for messing up a good thing and him for not finding a way to work around it. So I don't know how to handle myself publicly around him anymore, especially since I can't even get 5 minutes alone with him to tell him that in order to preserve my sanity that all bets are off, and I'm not waiting for the storm to blow over any longer.
I wish I didn't have to see him all the time.
I'd really appreciate some suggestions on how to handle him...especially since most of my dealings with him will probably be in public. Any discussion about our relationship has pretty much been limited to 30 second snippets of conversation out of the corners of our mouths when nobody else is in earshot, and I just can't believe it's resorted to that. And I'm so tired wasting energy on a relationship that has deteriorated to that.
After years of living in a sexless marriage (he's now impotent and won't seek medical or psychological advice) and desperate to find a solution but not wanting to hurt him or the kids, I fell in love with a MM who was, at the time, my best friend. And he fell hard for me too. It was VERY difficult for me to realize (and I think it was for him too) that we had each settled for mates that we were not very compatible with, and that for both of us our family situations (and positions within the community) made it pretty impossible to consider leaving our mates. I figured that if I could stay with my stable roommate and provide a nice home for my kids, while having a secret fulfilling emotional and sexual relationship with my friend, I'd be set for life. So...the pickle? His wife was also a very good friend. He too was in an unhappy family situation but didn't want to leave. It was hard to hide how we felt about each other, and his wife became suspicious of all the time we spent together, according to him she was very jealous and his life has been under a microscope since that point, and it's been very difficult to be together alone since that time. He's asked me to wait it out, but has become virtually inaccessible. It might be a good time to mention that we pretty much see each other every day. We hang out in the same tight circles, used to do a lot of family stuff together, and our professional lives are very much entertwined. There's a lot of baggage.
Over the last few months I feel that his wife has begun to treat me badly, probably because she's still jealous (even though he and I don't spend any time together anymore)and I allow her to, only because I'm trying to preserve my friendship with him. Forget the sex...which was the best I ever had...I miss being able to hang out with my best friend. However, because of his wife's jealousy, he seems to be trying to prove to her that I'm not important to him, and has pretty much ignored me even when we're at small dinner parties together and I try to make smalltalk with him. He's overreacting...well, he's acting like a guilty man! And I wish I could slap some sense into him! But instead I feel rejected, and second guess my worth to him, and end up being really frustrated and angry because he can't stand up for what used to be a great friendship. I know he's scared. But he's reacted so much to her jealousy and suspiciousness, that he feels he can't even say hello to me if she's in the room, and our relationship has been in a holding pattern for 6 months.
I've had a lot of time to think about my feelings and how emotionally this is just breaking me apart because not only have I lost an incredible lover that I needed so badly, but I've also lost my best friend. I've tried so hard to hold up my end...well both ends of the friendship actually, and it's so exhausting and frustrating because he's so inaccessible! So I've finally decided that it can't be worth putting any more energy into this any more. So I need to end it.
My pickle is this: I see him almost every day - usually with his wife in the room - in both professional and social settings. Everyone thinks we're all great friends, although underneath it all his wife is insanely jealous, my relationship with her has become very strained because she's said some pretty catty things & I'm furious with both of them...her for messing up a good thing and him for not finding a way to work around it. So I don't know how to handle myself publicly around him anymore, especially since I can't even get 5 minutes alone with him to tell him that in order to preserve my sanity that all bets are off, and I'm not waiting for the storm to blow over any longer.
I wish I didn't have to see him all the time.
I'd really appreciate some suggestions on how to handle him...especially since most of my dealings with him will probably be in public. Any discussion about our relationship has pretty much been limited to 30 second snippets of conversation out of the corners of our mouths when nobody else is in earshot, and I just can't believe it's resorted to that. And I'm so tired wasting energy on a relationship that has deteriorated to that.

If you haven't already read my thread called "Limbo Land, a Lonely Place," then do so. After you read that think about some of the things that were expressed. The truth is, these men enjoy the ride until their twanger gets caught in the marriage grinder, and then they retreat without a word or explanation. The reality of what they've done (usually faced once the spouse catches on)is of fear, and they suddenly turn into the cowardly lion. The thought of losing their reputation, their livelihood, their prestige, their marriage, etc., has a miraculous ability to turn YOU invisible. Being around you is just as uncomfortable for him, poor baby. Unfortunately, you need answers and closure and HE doesn't.
Being caught in this web of deceit cannot be easy for you. Having to see HIM and his wife together will always be painful, but in my opinion you should consider yourself lucky. She does probably know and is struggling with the need to get your butt removed from this picture altogether. Even if she just assumes, she has the upper hand when it comes to causing you extreme discomfort businesswise and socially. They may be keeping it under taps for all parties involved, i.e.your innocent husband, children and their kids if they have any.
You need to gracefully bow out, no matter HOW difficult that will be for you. So waht if you have to work together....these are circumstances that should have been considered before the two of you decided to be selfish. I know that sounds harsh, but look at how many lives you two could be destroying. AND that's not to say it won't still happen. One final suggestion.....find other employment if it's that unbearable.
Good luck,
True
Edited 7/7/2004 10:46 am ET ET by b_true_2_yourself
My pickle isn't that it's painful seeing him with his wife. I feel sorry for him when I see them together because she treats him so badly. She treats me badly too. I know that she knows, deep down she knows, but will never have that knowledge validated by him (or me). And to tell you the truth, what pisses me off more than anything, is that he (to be the good husband) has tried to show a united front with his wife at times, and even at small dinner parties acted completely uninterested in having a conversation with me - even smalltalk - to the point that I had a difficult time not showing my rage at how much he's acting like a guilty man. He and I were good buddies before this happened, and I feel as if I have single handedly been trying to hold up both ends of our friendship just because I'm concerned that people will wonder why we're not speaking to each other.
I'm trying to figure out how to have NC, which is what I really need, with someone I see all the time, without raising even more suspicion. People are already asking me why they don't see me as often in their company, and I blame it mostly on the strained friendship with her. But I serve on committees and volunteer for events with this man, and we've always been good buddies and it's no secret. How do you get away with suddenly shutting down to that person? It seems difficult without making it seem as if he and I have had a huge falling out...which we actually haven't. I just want to not even have to pretend to be his friend anymore if he isn't able to really be my friend. And I'm not talking about sex...just frienship.
So you have been in this same situation with him before? If so, how long did you have to be that quiet little mouse until the STORM passed? You know, we can be such little "Nothings" sometimes....I can't count on all fingers and toes how often I had to bite the bullet, not create waves, pretend-pretend-pretend nothing bothered me, until I thought I would literally explode!! But we have to be good little pawns because it is HIS chest game and HIS rules.
I, personally, got so fed up with it (I work with my xMM too) that I ended it, offered NO explanations, and have never felt more IN control in my entire life. He knows by process of elimination (all the reasons it was wrong, deceitful, ugly) why I ended it. No reason to reiterate them. WE all know the "BAD" of it, but letting go of the "GOOD" of it is what is SOOOOO difficult.
So, let's say the storm blows over tomorrow...Are you still going to end it, or forget all of this humilation and rejection because he pulls you into his arms and says, "Sorry baby. I HAD NO choice. I had to ignore you." BULLSH**!!! Sweetie, this is the best it is ever going to get. His apologies, and then kiss and makeup time. BTDT...it gets REALLY old, and guess what else? It gets us NOwhere.....
Take care,
True
1.Do you think you really disearve to still have your best friend? You gave up that privilege when you made the choice to take it further.
2.Sounds like his wife, your friend had plenty reason to be jealous. It wasen't just a
friendship. Instinct goes along way.
3.Maybe he is trying to do the right thing for the one he should be best friends with.
4.Stop being selfish and move on. You sound like you are a educated women who has a healthy sex drive. Stop wasting your life with another human being husband. You are taking years off of your life with all of these self inflicted wounds.
Just my opinion
lori
And B True... I've had a long time to think about what I'd do if he finally found an opportunity to see me, & if I'd cave in, & you know what? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't at this point. I'm a woman fer chrissake, and I've got a lot of stuff to get off of my chest at this point. I know he doesn't want to hear it - because it's uncomfortable, it's conflict - but I need to TALK with him, not have sex with him, and if he wants to come over, hang out for a few hours & have a conversation with me, try to be my friend, I think I would cave in to that. Because I miss my friend. And if he can get up the courage to be my friend, great. But he hasn't yet, may never, & it's hard to buck up & hold my head up and be happy about it. I'm so frustrated and pissed off that it's becoming obvious to everyone and affecting the rest of my life. But I haven't spoken to him for a week. He waved at me as he drove by the other day & I didn't return the greeting from afar.
i don't want to sound like i am judging you in any way, but here is my opinion for what it's worth...
you sound like an educated woman who is very selfish. you appear to me to be so wrapped up in what is going on with his wife (who i also believe has every right to act the way she is towards you) and him that you seem to be forgetting someone else...your kids and your husband.
i guess i look at it like this...you married someone that at one time you loved and then found excitement in someone else. i feel very badly for your husband and kids. i also feel very bad for you. i think you are missing out on something at home and instead of looking in someone else's home, you could find what you are missing in your own backyard.
good luck to you. i hope that you find what you are looking for. i think you would be much better off to find happiness within yourself and your home. try counseling for YOURSELF.
mindy :O)
And remember...part of the problem here is that while in reality the W did have every right to behave the way she has IF SHE KNEW FOR SURE, she doesn't. And as long as she doesn't, I can't behave as if she has any reason to be jealous or suspicious of me, can I? And what the heck is wrong in lamenting the loss of a good friendship, wether it's with a female, a man, or in this case, a man I slept with once upon a time.
Now I am not trying to attack you, obviously I am here because I am ending an A too, so I am in no position to throw stones. However, you seem to have an unrealistic view of how MM and his W should act. You are involved in an AFFAIR - you are not MARRIED to MM. As much as it may hurt to hear this, it is true.
It sounds like you are not even sure with what you want out of the A. Did you expect the A to continue indefinitely throughout your entire lives, or did you expect it to end one day eventually? Did you see a future with this man? Did he see a future with you? What about your own marriage? Have you seen a counselor to address your own issues? Have you gone to a counselor with H to address issues in your marriage, and possibly the reasons for his impotency? Do you want to stay in a sexless marriage with H for the rest of your life, or are you doomed to fall into another A?
All questions to consider...
I agree with the other posters that you need to end all contact with this man immediately, no matter how painful or awkward it may seem. If you must have contact with him for whatever reason (i.e. business, social events, etc.) be cordial, but not overly friendly. Having just a "friendship" with this man may not even be possible at this point, let alone wise. I think that you need time to yourself to take a step back and look at things somewhat from a distance. That may give you the perspective that you need to sort everything out.
Best of luck with whatever you choose to do. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in life, never forget that.
:)
Circe