I'm ready

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
I'm ready
3
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 6:12pm
My top ten reasons:

10. 8 months of emotional turmoil is enough

9. If I end it now, I won't be going through this #$%! a year from now.

8. I like his wife and don't want her to get hurt. They worked out alot of problems in their marriage. He loves her and wants her and they have a great life together, yes including great sex. I hate feeling like an intruder on their marriage. Plus he has kids. I don't want to hurt them either.

7. This is the absolutely worst, suckiest way to conduct a relationship possible: Secrecy, lies, heartache, fear. This Message board amply attests to that fact.

6. In my case, not only do I have to deal with the fact that an affair is a sucky way to conduct a relationship, it's not even meeting my needs within the context of an A! In 8 months we've had one dinner, one lunch, encounters in the car, encounters on the sofa in his office, encounters in the bathroom. Stolen hours once or twice a month. He can't cross that last line of "planning" and he's ridiculously busy. So, it isn't really satisfactory even on its own terms.

5. The ardor has cooled...a few months ago he was "in love" with me. Never uses that term any more.

4. We'd both suffer alot of damage to our professional lives if this became public info.

3. I just cannot afford to expend any more emotional capitol on an investment that will never pay off in the long run. Will I still be having sex with him once a month in his office or my office bathroom a year from now, 3 years from now? As I look at it, that's not enough of a payoff for the risk.

2. I'm not sure I would want to be with him as a real relationship even if we were both single anyway for numerous reasons.

1. I love my husband and my children, and it would tear me to pieces if they got hurt by this in any way. Actually, if I am honest, I've already hurt them by being distracted and depressed. That's enough.

Doesn't it all seem so obvious?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
In reply to: maristow
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 7:10pm
congratulations. it's going to be hard, though. i have been working at it for nearly a year. if you've really, really decided what you want, the best idea i can give is no contact. i didn't take that advice when i ended mine last summer--we stayed in touch--tried to be friends--and now i find myself starting the process all over again.

I could have written many of your notations as to why you want to leave this behind. the number one for me (that you wrote) was that your A has not been fulfilliing.

Sadly, though, i have to say, i don't love my husband and haven't for much of our 18 years together. So, i don't have that to fall back on. Feel fortunate you do.

Good luck. Keep posting.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: maristow
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 7:31pm
Great list!!! I hope you save it to refer back to when things are hard... Heck, I may even refer to it once in awhile! ;)

Good luck, you are so right, and you are so doing the right thing!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
In reply to: maristow
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 8:26pm
You go girl! We're all on your side, and think how PROUD of yourself you'll be in about a year. So much better than feeling like a guilty jerk (like I've been feeling for the past year)! I can't wait for the day when I TRULY say to myself, "WHAT was I thinking???" and I know that day will be coming soooooooooon.

Obviously you are a smart woman with a good heart, good for you for doing what you know is right.