I'm scared about IC with H

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
I'm scared about IC with H
2
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 2:40pm

I feel so utterly miserable and have so much sadness in my soul.....I dont know how I am going to let go of this longing for xMM. I am in love with him and his abrubt NC without warning has really messed me up.
My call last week to him that went unaswered - I can only think that because guys seem to get over things quickly......that he has lost all feelings for me - if he every really had any.....
------what he showed me was that he was so happy with me??? - even when he was depressed and upset about getting caught with lies here and there and with his second cell and with his W always calling and screaming for 2 hours on the phone....he still met me after work every night and we stayed together every night.........for 3 months.
But he chose to deal with her. Help her get to accept that he wants a D.
Help her find a reason to live - how could he be so concered over a woman who refused to be intimate with him for two years - a woman who went out and left him every night for a year and came home under the influence of drugs or drunk. A woman who told all our friends and him one night at dinner that she only married him to stay in the US.....
Now she wants to make things work? And he told me he didn't but she wont listen to him..and does not always go to work....wont eat....
Sounds to me like he does want to make it work........not that he is trying to get her to the right place where she accepts getting a D.

I'm crushed - I am crying and crying at my desk and and feel such a loss that I cant contain myself. He did not care enough about me as a person to tell me why he would not talk to me again - AND I HAVE TO SEE HIM THIS WEEKEND AT DINNER!!!!!!!!!!! Is he being cruel?
Or does he just feel so guilty that he feels even talking to me on the phone is bad.

And its been a month since I have had any IC with xMM.
Its been almost 5 months since I have had IC with my H.
I am crying so hard.
I have not had a hug or a kiss or any sort of caring touch for weeks when I need it the most.
I need IC right now.
But I cant go to my H - I cant do it. I dont want to give any false hope to him.......and to be honest....I know I would cry afterward and that would hurt him....
I would cry because I miss xMM so much
I wish I knew if he missed me at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 4:41pm

Anna,
I went through those same emotions (I'm sure all of us here have). Before we finally ended things, the first time we actually discussed that we shouldn't be together until I resolved my marriage, and I could see that he was pulling away from me, I woke up in the middle of the night sick and couldn't get out of bed the next morning. I felt literally like I was dying. Then, for my daughter's sake, I made myself get out of bed and take a shower. I cried the entire day. When my husband came home, I told him I was sick and went to bed because I didn't want him to see me crying. I then cried myself to sleep. After that, I saved my "breakdowns" for the shower or in the car, when no one was around.

Grieving is part of the process of letting go and healing. Just as anger is part of the process.

I had no IC with my husband for four months...from the first kiss till the last. I couldn't even think of it, just like you. Then, after the breakup, I thought that I needed to give my marriage another shot...or admit that it was dead. So I did have IC with husband. And yes, I did miss xOM. But it did make me feel closer to my husband. Even if the fireworks weren't there, it was a start. Since then, I have kept doing the actions. Taking care of myself, resisting the urge to put on flannel pajamas, making myself wear the little satin numbers my husband likes. And as I have said before, the emotions are starting to follow the actions. I really did not believe they would, but they are.

If your husband loves you, at least give him a chance. And read about toxic love vs. real love. Doesn't your husband, who seems to have been more decent than this xMM's wife, deserve as much as she's getting, if not more? Doesn't you deserve to know if your marriage has a chance on its own, away from the influence of this guy? I take it you were separated from your husband for a while, if you spent 3 months with the xMM. But have you been able to objectively look at your relationship? I am just now being able to see my marriage without the fog of feelings for this man. I see the same problems we've always had, but we are working on it. If it fails, at least we will know we tried, and then there will be no regrets to weigh me down as I move on with my life.

Rest assured, things do look better in the morning. Each new day is a gift! (Now, remind me of this when I'm wallowing in self-pity, which could be in a few hours!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 6:06pm

But you see - I have wanted a D for about a year - and my H finally agreed to it a month after I "split".
I am home again - and we are friends and we do sleep in the same bed (its a Cali King...big) so I have my own space.....

I guess that I am scared because I "need that action".........xMM and I did it everyday from July 1st to late Oct....
But I really dont want to with H. We are getting a D.
What is killing me is the horrible thoughts I have:
xMM's W - they had not been IC for 2 years - and I KNOW that he did not with her while we were together...she told me that they had not. But now of course I know nothing of what is happening with xMM..........and I know that it should not matter.....but it does.
I am sad that maybe they are...

What am I to do - I dont want to have IC with H and then have him confused -
this is embarassing but: I have this need - and last night I thought about being intimate with xMM......then I lost it completely...I have not cried so hard in my whole life........I almost could not breath. He will never touch me like that again in my whole life. My God - he sometimes used to smile so sweetly after with tears rolling down his face...he was so happy to be with me......he said about a week before the A ended that he at 30 years old had only been with 5 women....that it took someone really special for him to be with. I know that he had a bit of a problem "getting ready for action" because of guilt in the begining.....and there was 2 other times that things did not work right - but once again, sooooooooooooo much drama and circumstance was in his world....mostly guilt that I was his best friends wife.

I am scared that I have become unable to deal with IC because I will not be able to ever forget how much caring and emotion xMM and I felt when we were together every day. Maybe he is the better person for realizing that I AM someone elses W.....and he is someone elses H........and that its impossible to seperate the situation because we are all friends (His W has not returned any funny emails for about 1 1/2 months......she knows).
Maybe she DID have that cell phone statement - or a PI follow us like she said.......and if he is really scared about losing his guy friends - maybe she gave him an ultimatum - she has proof and will tell if he does not cut off contact with me and he can not file for a D?

I am grasping.........analyzing......Should I be happy enough that he did call as often as he did for 3 weeks after we ended the A? he could have not contacted me at all.
He could have said what he said about not wanting the A - but still wanted me and missed me - wearing his shirt that he wore to bed the last time we were together for 3 days because it smelled like me and he could not take it off (he choked up when he told me that).....
I could have been blown off completely........???

I feel like Charlie Brown....wishy washy