Im so ANGRY..any ideas to help w/that???
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| Mon, 05-10-2010 - 1:25pm |
I had a great weekend, spent time with my H, my DS's and did a lot around the house. XMM is seeming to take up less and less in my head. But today brought a different feeling and I cant shake it at all. Im overwhelmingly angry at him!!!
I cant help but think about how he pulled me down with him. His misery wanted my company and I fell for it but he led me on. When the A started, we enjoyed meeting, enjoyed the sex and all the little feel goods. Then he started talking about feelings and how with me he just wore his heart on his sleeve. He talked about how I was so easy to be with and if he could marry all over again, he would pick different qualities in a wife, qualities that I had. He told me he thought about me all the time, he hovered over me and I enjoyed the attention. Then he started talking about "jumping", about leaving his W. He would say "I jump, you jump" because he wouldnt want to live on his own, in an apartment and know that Im in bed with my H.
Little by little I started to see my M as dysfunctional as his. I only talked about the negative aspects about my M with him and the truth is, my M wasnt really all that bad. Yes, my H saw through me, didnt appreciate me but those were all things that I new I could work through with him but I chose to ignore them instead. Listening to

GMLB,
Anger is part of the grieving process we go through when we suffer a loss.
Mom&mb, thanks for the thoughts. However, rest assured, I have been dealing with my share of guilt!! My post in no way was intended to obsolve me of that in any way. I have posted numerous times before about all the guilt I feel,
Its ok to be angry for a little while. Part of the process. Hang in there. It sounds like you know that you are accountable as well. We have all been there at one point or another. I was very angry, I used that anger to tackle my past. Turned that energy into positive energy. Anger got me nowhere. Letting go did. It's one of those things we kinda have to suck up. Sorry you are feeling this way, hang in there, better days to come. Be thankful for all your blessings.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
HI GMLB-
The anger stage... sigh. I hit it at about 3 weeks and it lasted about a week. And then I realized that I was spending way too much energy being angry and I let it go. I didn't want him to rent anymore space in my head and I certainly didn't want to sit around being angry, so I just let it go. I know that sounds so simple- it wasn't that easy, but everytime I felt the anger bubbling up inside me, I just said "stop it." What's done is done. I can't change him. I can't change what I did. But I can change ME going forward. And the knowledge of that freedom and liberation helped me let it go. He has to work out his issues on his own. What he did or didn't do to you sucks, but it's over... you have to work on letting it go.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Luvin and Jane, I was hoping that you guys would chim in and help to set me straight. Believe me, I DO own what I did! Its tough because now I think that I am seeing that XMM spoke those same words and phrases that all of yours did. My A and XMM was just as cookie cutter and identical as all the others. Im a little bitter that he likely never ever had any intention of leaving his W but the more he talked about it, the more I believed that he would leave her. Then it even became a twisted sign of dedication for me like if he left her for me, he really loves me more. I used to be somewhat street smart till the fog from this A rolled in but its getting better and thanks to all of you for helping push me along in the process.
Jane, thanks so much for your perspective. You are right and I read your blog daily too.
Hugs.
GMLB
GMLB,
So sorry I am late to jump in - I have been so exhausted that it has taken all of my energy to do the minimum that's required of me.
I did want to lend you my support - you've been there for me so many times. Like all the feelings I have experienced coming out of the A, I try to let anger wash over me. I look anger in the face, and then I imagine it washing over, and away from me. If I stop the wave, my head will be submerged underneath, and I will drown in that anger.
I KNOW the anger you speak of - the humiliation, the realization that it was all 'just' a script - the affair script and we were all just playing out, what feels like, similar roles. If we shared about our other relationships, we would see similar patterns. We all 'perform' roles - mother, friend, partner etc ... and we attach meaning to those roles, along with expectation and understanding of what it means to 'play' those roles. The same holds true for our roles within affairs.
For me, being a woman in an A is an extension of all that we are as Women, only personified. It is the ultimate position of giving without getting, but at first it can feel familiar - again, as it is an extension of all the other ways in which we 'perform' the role of 'woman'. So, as I see it, understand it, affairs are the mecca for gender (as a construct not biological determinism) to be played out. This might be all too much, and totally irrelevant. But, if we connect (like we do here) all our experiences together, we can see larger patterns emerging out of what we have experienced, collectively as Women.
Yes, I hear you men, you are affair partners too, and while there can be overlap in experiences, I feel that there are also some nuanced differences related to gender dynamics. Just like I think there are differences whether you are married/singe and xAP is married/single. Context matters.
All this to say, that sometimes I choose to be angry (as well) at the social-cultural aspects of my affair, rather than (solely) placing blame or responsibility on myself and my xAP. Please do not think that I am negating my responsibility. I do not, but I also look towards understanding myself in the broader context.
What we come to expect of ourselves and relationships are not 'give-ins' they are taught to us by the culture we live in - they change across time and space. I believe as women, often times, we are not expected to ask for much, but to tolerate all.
This political commentary on the state of women's issues brought to you by:
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou