I'm so sad!!!
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I'm so sad!!!
| Tue, 03-01-2005 - 8:52am |
I'm just so upset, i haven't heard a word from him, how is it so easy for him not to write me, i spilled my guts to him and got nothing in return, does he NOT miss me, because I MISS him so much. I wish this had never happeend in my life ever, I wish that I never met him nothing, i wish I could earse it all. When does this all get easier, because personally I'm not sure how long I can handle this. I have children who need there mother and I've been a bad mother too them, i have no patience, when does it all go away! Will I think of him FOREVER?! I can't take it another minute, i just want to FORGET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M~
M~

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Moeell
As bad as you feel they are just that ONLY EMOTIONS, they can't really harm you and you can choose to handle them or choose to cave into them, if you choose to handle them then things will get better over time, but if you cave and have any contact with him you go back to square one and get to start this all over again.
It never goes away BUT it does get better and in time it does stop hurting "IF" you do the right thing and keep TOTAL NO CONTACT, see yourself as a JUNKIE breaking a drug habit, it hurts before it gets better but it does get better.
Word of warning breaking the habit a second time is far more difficult and painfull if you get hooked a second time !!!
Free
I felt EXACTLY the same way. A very good friend of mine answered me when I asked all those same questions. He said.... You will not heal until you accept that its over. He said...say it..say it..."it's over"...say it until you mean it. grasp that sentence and realize that you are the only one who has control over your happiness.
At first I said the words, but they meant nothing to me...I said "ok ok, its over"...he said ..."nope..not gonna work...you have to believe it". Once you believe it and mean it he said you'll be on your way, until then you are just going to keep feeling this.
Eventually I did mean it. He was right. I couldn't work, I could barely get my kids to school, let alone actually be a mom. As bad as it sounds, I was so totally heartbroken and sad that I didn't really care that I wasn't being a mom to them. But when that time came that I accepted that it was over...didn't matter whether xMM thought it was over or not over...I accepted it as the way it is, for me, that's when I felt like I wanted my life back, I cared whether I played with my kids. It takes time and it takes strength.
M~
Moeell
What your missing is not him so much as how he made you feel about "YOU", a reflected glory sort of thing, he at times said and did things that made you feel good/desired/sexy/smart ETC... that is the addiction....you like the rest of the posters here need to find a healthy safe way to feel good about yourself deep in your heart again with out all the downside that affairs bring with them.
Hang in there you can do it and you need to.
Free
M~
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Yup, and when he wasn't making me feel good, and desired, and sexy, the A was becoming less important to me, because I wasn't getting what I needed from it anymore. He coudn't understand why I was feeling like that, because he was getting what HE needed still..and no, not sex because that was over long before the A actually ended, but he was getting to see me and talk to me..if he was getting that, he was still happy. Well I wasn't happy because I wasn't getting what I needed, so I took those things HE needed away from him...he no longer gets to see me, and now, he no longer gets to talk to me. He calls it punishment, I call it self-perservation.
Like you said in my thread, each person in the A is "using" the other for what they "need".
Hi Hurtpup, I can really relate to what you say and how you feel. The way he made me feel when I was with him, sexy, wanted, desirable etc. There was nothing like that and it kept me wanting more. But with less and less contact, the A started to become less important to me too. I think he planned it that way, he was trying to phase me out. Well, I think it worked.
When I don't talk to him or see him, I find it alot easier to forget about him and the whole thing. When we were talking alot, it only perpetuated those feelings and that 'addiction' to him.
I haven't found it so difficult this time to get over him as before when he dumped me. Because I've hardened alot against him over the last year or so. I haven't even shed a single tear this time around. If I was to see him in person I'd probably melt, but there's no chance of that (thank goodness).
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I wondered if he too was trying to phase me out, then I realized that's not what he wanted at all..he wanted it ALL..his W, all his cute gal-pals, a female co-worker who he is also "friends" with (although she's not that cute), and me. He was the classic description of "cake-eater" that people have described on this board often. Just wish I saw that sooner.
<<>>
Ditto! In the beginning of the end of the A (back about 2 years ago), I told him I needed to distance myself from him emotionally, and the only way I could do that was to not have any private contact with him..that we should only see each other when we are out in our social circle, and only chat on occassion. But he took advantage of that each time and managed to convince me, for a short time at least, that his feelings were genuine and that any suspiousions on my part were unfounded. He was a good talker.
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Trust me, you definately WOULD melt. Even though you feel emotionally distanced at this point, the physical attraction you felt for him is still there. It will surface at the sight of him, so I'm glad you don't have any chance for that. I did have that chance, about a month ago we got together with XMM and his W and were left alone for a few minutes. Yup, we ended up in each others arms kissing again. I'm fine if I don't see him.
First I agree with Free that it's an addiction and you have to get past the hard times to get to the good times.
Hurtpup, I see how the sex faded before he left me now. I didn't see it before. There were times where I would have chosen sleep over sex but I didn't want to admit that I was losing it for him that soon. There were also times where he couldn't perform and he always said he felt bad but it was b/c of the stress of leaving his wife and child. I know stress does play a part but I think it was just him pulling away from me little by little. There were times when he could perform but not finish. I felt like a peice of meat lying there those times. Sometimes I would look at his face closely and it seemed like he was trying so hard to perform and finsih. I wondered if he was thinking of someone else b/c he wasn't attracted to me anymore. I wonder sometimes how long ago he wasn't attracted to me but just kept going. I think he needed me to help him stay strong to leave his wife then one day he woke up and thought, I think I can do this alone now, I don't need her anymore. But I don't know really, he's on stress leave for all of March and he said yesterday maybe longer. I think he is messed up. I miss him but like you guys said it's how he made me feel so good about myself. How he felt so strong and happy b/c of me. He would call and text me 10 times a day if not more and that made me feel good. When I have busy days that all my friends call and I'm busy at work (I'm a medic), I'm just as happy as I was then really. So it wasn't him as much as it was the attention he gave me and how that made me feel. Right now as I right I am really realizing that. I can't help but chuckle, I've always loved attention. Wow, I'm still a mess and it's ok. I know I'm a work in progress.
Hang in there sweetie, we'll get thru it together. Write it all here as many times as you need.
LilRocket
Getting attention from a man that isn't your H feels good. No two ways around that. I know I have low self-esteem, but I think even those that feel good about themselves like attention from men. Me and XMM stopped having sex because I was always angry at him for something, it's not that we stopped desiring each other..those feelings were always as strong as ever..but how can you have sex with someone you are pissed at half the time.
I know what it was that drew me to these men (yes men, I've admitted here before that I've had 2 A's). When I started on the one I'm trying to get over now, I looked for the common denominator of what it was particulary about these two men that I was so attracted to. Each were SO different, both physically and personality wise. It came down to how FOCUSED they were on me. And I think that is probably true for many of you too. At the start of both of these A's, these men were so totally focused on me and me alone, it was overwhelming. They had a way of making me feel like I was the only woman that they could see.
Then, as women, we start noticing the focus isn't what it used to be, that new confidence you got from them now is gone and leaves you feeling lower than before you met them. So if my self-esteem wasn't poor enough, watch a man that claimed you were all that to him go off and give another woman similiar attention he gave you in the beginning. Hurts like hell, but worse than that..it left me thinking "once again I feel like I'm not good enough".
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