I'm so torn and broken hearted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
I'm so torn and broken hearted.
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 9:05pm
I've been having an EMA for 4 months now. At first, I was just looking to find someone who could fill in some extra time I had on my hands.

I met this wonderful man 4 years younger than me. He's married with no children. I am married with 2 children.

We hit it off immediately, and both fell in love. Things were perfect. I felt like I was in another world when we were together.

Everytime, we got closer emotionally, I would back off. I was really getting fearful in wondering where this was going to lead me if we continued with this intensity. Our feelings for one another were so intense sometimes, that I literally would forget where I was and all my problems disappeared. He felt the same. I would tell him I needed to think about what we were doing, he would take it very hard, and within the next day, I was back calling him.

Slowly, I think this chipped away at him. He then lost his job, and our relationship went into a downward spiral from there. I asked him if he wanted me to step back, so that he could get his affairs in order and he replied 'no..I want you right here' Emotionally, he became very distant, and claimed it was because life just handed him a crisis and he asked that I be patient with him and that he would come around. In the meantime, my needs I felt weren't being met, and I started to 'chip' away at him again.

I finally decided that this 'crisis' was going to take some time for him to get in order. He is looking to start his own business. He told me he could no longer be there for me in the same way like he used to due to his focus needing to be on his new career. I became rather bitter and told him that we should breakup.

We agreed that when the dust settles , if we were meant to be, we will find each other again.

NOW...I miss him terribly. I cannot stop thinking about him and regret chipping away at him and wish somehow I could have saw him through this mess rather than ending it. He has told me to find someone who can make me happy because right now he cannot give me what I need.

I love my husband, but he cannot give me what OM can give me. I do not want to end my marriage because I have small children involved. So here I am, alone, miserable, and not knowing what to do or believe anymore.

I don't know how to move forward. I don't know if OMM and I will ever get back together again because I feel he will soon wake up and see how I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most.

Can anyone help me and guide me in what direction to take this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 10:27pm

Sad to hear of your current situation. Particularly since you have two small children in the equation.

You asked for help and guidance as to direction where to go from here. I suggest you start by skimming the archives of this board and reading suggestions made by many posters, mostly women, addressing their situations similar to yours.

Me, I lend my male perspective to questions posted here on the board. Most of the posters are women, however, every now and then you'll find men posting too.

Some thoughts came to my mind as I read your post and I'll ask you a few questions as my part in answering your request for help and guidance.....

How are things between you and your husband? Can you talk to each other? Can you talk to him as you did with your xMM? If not, why not? What is so different between the two men? Have you thought about what it is you are missing that you sought in your relationship with xMM? You mention you don't want your marriage to end because of the small children. That's OK, however, what about you? What example do you and your husband really set for your children? Non-communication and/or bickering is also unhealthy for children and teaches some patterns as acceptable that really aren't. Perhaps you don't belong in your marriage. For reasons other than how wonderful you felt with xMM. Children need to grow in an environment that is healthy for them. Sometimes that means a single parent household. Better two single separate parents happy with themselves and life than together fighting and bickering in order to stay married "for the children". BTDT. FTC is not a healthy option.

Please find time for yourself to think through the why's of the affair you had. Why it happened. Why it really felt so good. Why it filled a void in your life. Why are you willing to have less than a full time commitment with someone who is not fully available to you. Do you really want so little from your life? You have value. Remember that. For yourself first. And then for a partner. If your marriage isn't working, be mindful of the fact it took the two of you to get it to this current state and it will take the two of you to change it and make it successful. Or to end it and move on.

If that's what's really in your best interest.

Only you know how you got where you currently are. Only you really know why you made the decisions one at a time that resulted in your choice to have an affair. Only you can decide for yourself if having affairs will really solve what it is that is missing from your life and is all you want from your life.

Unlike others on this board, I don't advocate "confessing" to your spouse. Why bother? It only hurts him with something he will never, ever forget. Forgive, maybe. Forget, never. Since your affair is over, why unburden yourself on your husband with old news? I suggest you think long about what it is you learned from your affair, use this opportunity to learn from it and the reasons behind it as a way of making serious changes in your life to move forward in a way that is honest, kind and respectful. And keep the past in the past where it belongs. Without "fessing up" to your H. Talk to a counselor if you have the need to "confess". Counsleors listen and don't disclose.

Make the changes in your life. For you first, then your family. Whatever way you move forward from this point in your life, let it be with kindness, respect and honesty.

Good wishes to you while you take time to reflect on where you've been and where you're going from here.

Because staying stuck and hurting is not an option. Life's too short to stay stationary.....



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 9:08am
Hi Torn Heart.....

I'm so sorry for what you are going through!! I think you are being to hard on yourself!! Please give yourself time to think things through. I know how hard this situation is!! I'm in kind of the same boat that you are. My marriage has not been great but I have a 2 year old daughter and work part-time. I also love my husband like the friend he is too me. But I met someone in one of my college courses and I fell in love with him. We too started to chip away at each other...he was upset that I didn't leave my husband, I was upset that he kept so emotionally distant from me that I felt I was losing sight of who we both were and where we were headed. In the end he decided that I didn't make him happy and I agreed that he deserved to find someone who could love him completely. I agree that if you and your MM are to be together that you are going to find your way back to him...but in the mean time, the hurt does get easier!! Please take care of yourself!!!


Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 9:20pm
Wow, this sounds familiar. You're not in the midwest are you?? This is so similar to my situation. Except that MM is now in the middle of a divorce. Did lose his job 2 months ago. Now he is "getting his sh** together", alone (his choice, not mine).

The interesting thing was that after he lost his job (we worked together) I was on his computer for something and found an email that he had sent to someone else (not the W, not ME)... simply stated it read, " i love you " . So I wonder how many others he had beside me.

Go figure.