I'm sooo sorry. I caved!!
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I'm sooo sorry. I caved!!
| Wed, 11-10-2004 - 10:28pm |
I can't believe I did it. He called my cell and I answered. My day has been crazy. I'm sure I have just disappointed so many of my new friends here and I'm so sorry!! When I answered, he asked me how I was doing and I said fine. He said he was ok. We really didn't talk about much, no I love you's, no I miss you's. He said his life isn't how he wants it. I didn't ask him any questions about how things were going at home or tell him how sad I've been. But when he said "please call me" I said "I wish I could. I hope you understand." And he said "I know. I do understand." After that conversation I actually felt pretty good about leaving things there. But then my sister called me and said he just called her. (My poor sister, she's the only one who knows about us, and we both call her crying about eachother.) She said he sounds so unhappy. She couldn't talk long so he told her he would call her tomorrow. I think him talking to her is just as bad as ME talking to him. THEN, I just got out of work and found a note in my car from him. All it said was "Hi "B" Just passing through. (Big smiley face). He's not trying to get me with all the lovey dovey stuff. It was hell getting off that phone without either of us saying I love you. I don't really feel like it set me back much, and he definately didn't offer any more "hope" for the 2 of us. It just seemed like two people trying to get over eachother and needed to feel cared about still. I don't plan to make a habit of it. I really don't feel the need to hear from him again. (right now anyways). I'm wondering if it will feel like a setback tomorrow. I guess we'll see. Do you ever think it might be GOOD for a little contact for some people every so often? Because even though us ending up together still seems bleak, I do really feel better. Again, I apologize to all of you who I'm supposed to be keeping strong. Krm, and Posie especially. Forgive me, PLEASE??

Please don't feel the need to apologize for accepting his call. I'm quite sure that we have all at one time or another broken the NC rule. I do understand you wanting to know how he is and wanting to know how he is dealing with ending the A. I wonder the same thing but I do not have the option to have an open dialoge with the XOMM about any topic that may involve emotions. I suppose he's actually doing me a favor.
You were very wise to not fall into the "I miss you" trap. It seems you handled the situation very well, if anything you are an ecouragement to me knowing that even though there MAY be a little slip, it doesn't have to mean back to square one. For me personally, even a hello e-mail sets me back so I know I HAVE to stick to NC.
In the long run you are only hurting yourself. You feel better for a fleeting moment, then the lump in your stomach is there again. There is no need to ask forgiveness from anybody on this board. When you get tired of the torture, you will end the affair and not any sooner.
JMHO
big deal. you talked to him. It's not so bad. If you let it, it's the first step back to the affair. Is that what you want? then don't go the next step. You can pick yourself up, dust yourself off & keep moving.
he's a jerk to call your sister and leave you a note. he's not respecting you when he does that. it does feel good but that's just feeding the addiction and it's not respectful or gentlemanly. It hurts for him to "stay away" but that would be more proof of his caring for you than this.
And yes, I think a "little contact" is a bad thing. ever try a "little crack"? most people have more sense than to even try it -- it's instantly addictive, sorta like an affair. Think of him as a crack dealer!
HUGGS an PRAYERS,
KRM
I know exactly how you feel. I have to work with him too thankfully not in the same department but I have to pass his desk to get to mine. I broke up with him the end of June, a month later we were back together again. There was so much flirting and sordid emails going on and I bought right back into it again. We were just going to be friends. I couldn't seperate the emotional and the physical and neither could he. I'm 4 weeks into this right now, am going to counseling and I know I'm going in the right direction. This is really, really tough though. I have to fight a new battle every time I walk in the door at work. Even though he's not showing his emotions, I know he feels the same way about me. Hang in there and I will too!
Susiecutie
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