I'm starting to feel angry...
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 12-07-2004 - 2:19pm |
I'm starting to move on to another stage in this grieving process I think. I'm angry at how he is making up the rules here. It's over but I still love you and this isn't goodbye and I still want you in my life..blah blah blah" Be a freaking man and tell me what the deal is. Better yet, maybe I should be figuring out what the deal is. I hate sitting here wondering what he is thinking and what he is doing. Is he hurting as much as I am? Probably not, I didn't see him as upset as I was the last time I saw him. I am NOT CALLING HIM....even if he does try and contact me. It isn't going to be easy but that is the way it is. And this ending things nicely and as friends crap isn't going to fly either. If he doesn't have the guts to tell me that its over then that he is not calling again then i dont have the time or the energy to worry about it. Why did I hand over all my power to this man?
Okay, I had my little fit and I feel much better now. I think that he is being terribly unfair telling me that he still wants me in his life and then running for the hills like the pu$#Y that he is. What more can one expect from a man that likes doing other men's wives? He talks about getting his integrity back? He never had it to begin with!

:(
Jazzdiva
I used to listen to 2 songs to keep me from calling him:
Eric Clapton - Further On Up the Road -- hard-driving blues with great guitar
"Further on up the road somebodies going to hurt you like you hurt me...baby you just wait and see..." from city of angels sound track
Bruce Springsteen -- Lonesome Day
"Baby once I thought I knew everything I needed to know about you -- your sweet whisper, your tender touch....I didn't really know that much. Jokes on me, it's going to be okay. If I can just get thru this lonesome day."
I listened to these songs so I would get mad at him; I'd try to make him into an SOB in my mind so I could hate him. I wasn't ever able to hate him. I wasn't even very good at being mad at him because we both went into the A; we both willingly participated; we both knew it had to end. And I'm thankful to him for being the stronger one of us and for going NC and meaning it. It hurt like heck, but it was the right thing to do.
These songs would get me pumped,make me mad at him and keep me from calling.
A few months ago, I made a cd of songs that reminded me of him and they went from "our songs" (Norah Jones, eminem - Lose Yourself, Phil Collins (Can't stop loving you) to these songs back to healing songs...I didn't mean to put them in that order and only realized it recently when I was walking and listenign to the songs.
Getting mad is normal - part of the process. But remember, you cycle in and out of these stages so when you go back to a stage, it can be frightening because I always thought "hey, I thought I'd done THIS one already!!"
B
I want to be mad so badly right now. At least you recognize it's a stage of the grieving process - I just truly think I hate his guts right now.
I know how much it hurts to see him, and think he's not upset. I had to see him today for the last time - I cut off all my work ties today. I didn't quit my job or anything. I just quit the part that involves working with him. He has no excuse to see me anymore - ever. I didn't think it would hurt this much.
I know I've seemed really strong - and I still feel like I'm doing this for the right reasons. Feeling this bad only reinforces how badly I needed out - for my own personal sanity. I'm just so mad. It's just so hard not to write and tell him how much I hate him. I think I may have to post about that so everyone can talk me out of it.
Had to let you know I understood though, and I'm right there with you today. I feel like he turned my terms into his terms.
-C
Jazzdiva
Jazzdiva