I'm still here just had a slide backwards.....restart NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
I'm still here just had a slide backwards.....restart NC
6
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 12:09pm

Hi Everyone,   (sorry I accidently signed on with an old screen name but want my post under this name)

I haven't posted lately, but was doing very well with NC. Actually the best I've ever done, a month, and then here he came and there I went........foolish me. 

Long story short he talked me into a day out on his boat.  Started as a beautiful day, until he drank so much, darkness fell and he was drunk and wouldn't head in to the dock when I asked him to.  Finally got him to head in and he had an accident making a turn into the bay.  I was knocked around, not too physically hurt, mostly emotionally.  Spent 5 hours wet and cold on the beach waiting for a tow to get the boat out.  He was arrested for boating while intoxicated along with a list of other charges, including dangering my welfare.  For the first time in my long life I had to be subjected to a breathalyser test. Humilitated..... Angry at him, angry more at myself.  

No apology from him, but what did I expect?  Its always been all about him. His concerns were too big too apologize to me I suppose, police charges, boat damage, would his live in GF find out I was with him again after there was a dday only a few months ago?  My with all that to think about in his life, how could he have time to think of me......afterall I'm not really loved and not so important in his eyes.  

So I start again but one thing I can guaruntee myself is that it won't happen again.  I suppose when your lucky enough to escape serious injury or worse, you look at life differently and that person that brings you unhappiness more than he does happiness.  Setting up counseling this week, I figure I need it. After all I'm certan I'm a codependent, who has issues letting go of an alcholic.  

 

 

 
Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Hi there. You must have been pretty scared, first when he wouldn't bring you back to shore and then again when he got into an accident. I would have been terrified. Funny thing: the people in our lives who love us never terrify us. Cling tight to that lesson.

So how did he manage to reach you this time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008

Thank you. He reached me by me not being strong and picking up calls.  Do you really believe what you said about people don't terrify us that love us? I ask because this is how I've felt along with people that love us don't place us in jeopardy, or ask us to lie to the police to save themselves, or raise their hands to us to control and intimidate us with threats to hit us.  

I want to make an excuse for him that he was drunk and didn't mean it or knew what he was doing, and he was very drunk, but I just cant seem to let myself beleive my own excuses for him anymore. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
I have been terrified for people I love but never terrified by them. And it's okay to not make excuses for him. This isn't down to you. It's down to the man who chose to drink and do those things. If he gets help, he will see that. And if he doesn't get help, it wouldn't matter anyway because you can't put yourself in harm's way again. So, no cars, no boats, no contact.

Control, intimidation, threats. These are all power concepts. To my way of thinking, these things have no part in a loving relationship. Show me a power play in a relationship and I'll show that person the door.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
No more excuses.

There aren't enough in the world to cover all of his actions of that day, sweet pea. He is a grown-up person, capable of making his own choices and decisions, and now he has to reap the consequences of those decisions. Your excuses for him won't make those consequences any more pleasant.

Not for him, and most certainly not for you.

And it doesn't even have to be about love, or not love.

It can just be about simple respect, and decency, and common sense. And it sounds like he didn't exhibit any of those things either.

Hugs, honey. I know that you've been at this a while, and that you've been trying to get where you want to be. I hope that this is the time that allows you to make the break, to say "enough", to put yourself ahead of him, and to care for yourself.

Kim