I'm too weak
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I'm too weak
| Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:58pm |
I've been with MM for almost 3 years and can't get the strength to keep NC although I've started it about 10-15 times over the years. I knew MM for 2 years before we started our A. During those 2 years I had a serious crush on him, and knew he did for me too. But I consciously stayed away because he was married. I thought I was 'strong.' Hah. As soon as he told me his marriage was over, I let down all barriers and fell into his arms. I was not strong enough, or smart enough, to wait till he actually left his wife. I was weak. And that weakness has carried all through these years. I'm too weak to keep NC. When I try, I can't bear it, and go back to him. So if all of us weren't strong enough to say 'no' to starting the affair in the first place, how could we possibly be strong enough to stop it once it's started?
PS: He's still married but says he has nothing to do with her. He stays for his 6 and 8 year old boys. He sleeps in a separate bedroom, and avoids her when they're both in the house at the same time.

Does being in the A make you feel happy? For me, once the bad feelings started to outweigh the excitement and "good" feelings, I knew it was time to end it. You just have to make a conscious decision and stick with it, no matter how hard it may be.
You *can* do it, brooklynjuliet. Keep yourself busy, come here for support, and live life. In the long run, it will be for the best.
((hugs))
Circe
But he knows it makes me sick to my stomach to think that I am 'sharing' him with another woman. Even just picturing them in the same house makes me crazy. We've cried together over this and he's said he's sorry over and over, but we both know he won't leave his boys. So I keep trying to end this A. I tell him, and myself, that it'll be temporary. That in 10 years when he can leave his boys, we'll live happily ever after together. But then I become so depressed, I figure I might as well go back with him to have some happiness some of the time, and get out of the depression.
Have you gone to see a professional counselor? You may want to consider this as an option as you deal with all of this and to help with the feelings of depression.
I wish you all the best, and remember to always put yourself FIRST - YOU are worth it!
((hugs))
Circe
Reality check here.....
"PS: He's still married but says he has nothing to do with her. He stays for his 6 and 8 year old boys. He sleeps in a separate bedroom, and avoids her when they're both in the house at the same time. "