Im trying to heal - PAINFUL
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Im trying to heal - PAINFUL
| Wed, 08-11-2010 - 11:55am |
I posted about D-day the other day and many of you said you could not help unless I was committed to ending it. Well, its ended. Its done. His wife sent me the emails she hacked into from his account from me talking about the sex. She still thinks nothing happened. He swore to her nothing and asked me too. She texted me ALL DAY yesterday, I repeated over and over nothing happened. I think she is stupid for believing that when she had proof but whatever. I read on Betrayed Spouses and I feel bad he got caught but this is not all my fault. I dont know why I keep telling myself to take all the blame when he was the one who pursued me HARD. I keep going over in my head all the things he said to me on the phone when this started, trying to get me to admit I loved him and the things he did and said when we were together. Today is day 2 of NC. It's killing me wondering what he is doing and how he feels. Someone please tell me this will pass? Every truck I see related to his, makes my stomach turn. The exit we met at, I pass everyday and it sucks. He did make contact with me again last night saying again "sorry and please do not tell her anything" and I didnt respond. It took everything within me to not respond. I decided not to change my phone number since I have had it nearly 6 yrs but I did delete the email used for all of our previous coorespondance. I am trying to focus on my H for last 2 days but discovered even more so thru my anger with this, I dont like him. I want out of the M and have known that for a long time. I hate that I treat him like crap when he is a good guy (although he has a million faults) but we are just two seperate people. I dont know what to do. All I do know is the A is over. Its not worth my sanity if he ever did contact me again and its surly not ruining his marriage over...although 3 days ago he was telling me "I will be alone forever, no one will ever be with me not even you" Im smart and strong, thick skinned, I know I can do this and move on and maybe someday not think about him or us or anything that happened. But how long is that going to take? I feel depressed and can't work but just stare at the computer screen at work. Im guessing my feelings are normal when an A ends and trying to get it all out of my mind. Im an artist who has not practiced her craft in 3 yrs since kids were born. I guess I need to find a distraction and throw myself into something. Ugh x 1 million. Sad.

Confused -
I'm sorry you are hurting so badly right now. I hope that you are really here this time, for your sake. You need to start REAL NC now. The fact that you are reading his texts is contact. If you are serious, you need to block his phone number(s) from your phone(s). If you don't work with this man, there is no reason you can't do this. You are leaving the door open, making everything 1000 percent harder for yourself.
Can you do that step and let us all know? You will get so much support here Confused. You deserve a life of your own.
Bodhi
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CK, let's stop right here.