I'm unhappy now too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
I'm unhappy now too!
2
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 7:51am
I've been many places on these boards. I started out on "Should I Stay or Go", to "Domestic Abuse", on to "My Affair" (with no response), and now here. I swear I'm going crazy. First off, I was in an abusive marriage. It was emotional and psychological abuse. I was very unhappy; and after gaining much support from the first two boards and seeking counseling, I left. But on top of being in a bad marriage, this OM comes into my life. It was all strictly emotional. Yes, the chemistry was there, the attraction, the support he gave me on a number of issues involving my DD. I never got any support from my H. He filled a void, but I got rapped up in him big time. I stayed in tune to him because of the slight things that would occur between he and I to keep this emotional thing going. His looks, his stares, his charm, his questions to mutual friends about me and vica versa. He's single, 10 years younger than me, very shy and backward (either that or I intimidate him), and very high morals coming from a very religious family. I figured nothing would ever come of the two of us because of the small town we live in, he's younger than me, and I'm separated (not divorced yet). Yet he kept up the staring and finding ways to be around me in certain situations. We'd have conversation and it was still there, even up to two weeks ago. This has been going on for ten months.

Now I've come to find out he's dating someone. I guess I was banking on time, fate, and our attraction to each other that something would come of this. Now I feel worthless, hopeless. Was I obsessed? Yes! I'm a little like the other poster "Kerry". He made me happy when I thought about him. He filled a void in my life that I didn't have. Now I feel like I have nothing. I don't have him anymore to make me happy. I've left a bad marriage, I gave up a beautiful home, and now live in an apartment. I know I need to forget about him but how do you do that when you don't want to because it brings joy to your life when that's the only joy you have? Now I'm thinking about just going back and living the hell I lived before. I was like "Kerry" too. I was always strong. Didn't need anybody. Always picked myself up. Apparently I need somebody to just love me. My H loves me but he doesn't know how. He's controlling, possessive, verbally abusive. I guess my H's heart is breaking because I left like mine is breaking for this OM. I feel like I'm being punished.

How do you get over this when you don't want to? I know I need to stop going to the same Sunday services as he does. That's where I see him every week, besides around town; but it's like an addiction. Again, how do you get over something when that's the only thing that kept you going to put happiness in your life? I think I'm nuts. And I sit here still thinking that maybe fate and time can still play a part. I never wanted a relationship with this OM. I just wanted to go out with him now and then and have fun. I enjoyed being with him and talking with him when we would be together (around other people). We connected. But again, it was an emotional affair for me. But I ask why did he keep up the attraction too if nothing was ever going to come of this? I fell for him hook, line, and sinker. I can't go into details of all our chance meetings and occurrences. I've written way too much now. But I swear I'm not crazy (but am now) and the attraction was there. I just don't want to get over it. I could just throw up. It makes me sick to know that I fell into this....strong-willed me, let my guard down, and fell into this.

Please help me with some advice.

Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 9:26am
The first and most important thing I want to say to you is this. Leaving your husband was the wisest decision you could have made. No one deserves emotional and verbal abuse and no child deserves to be witness to it. You've taken your child out of the line of fire, and all of your positive actions from this point on will keep her there.

Now, this emotional affair thingy that has you down and out. Ok, so he started dating. So what? Has he told you he doesn't want to see or talk to you anymore? You didn't mention that. If you have never crossed the line sexually, why are you afraid of losing this friendship? Are you sure that is all you wanted from this man? By your words, apparently he is attracted to you. My guess would be the "baggage" you still have surrounding your separation is what is scaring him off. Honey, YOU ARE NOT READY to be involved romantically with anyone. There is nothing wrong with daydreaming. There is nothing bad about wanting attention and be noticed. You are playing the "Devil's advocate" You are not FREE yet from your past yet, and you wouldn't be any good to anyone right now. Maybe he senses that....

The biggest mistake you can make right now is going back to the husband just because now you feel alone and/or guilty for leaving him. The only consideration you should give regarding this is if HUBBY gets counseling, a clean bill of mental health, and can prove to you that he is worthy of you. That could take months, years. Are you willing to wait that long? Do you still love him? You have a lot of soul searching to do. Mind boggling thoughts over a 10-year younger - maybe likes me - man, is totally counterproductive to what you should be doing with your life at this time.

You have a daughter that needs a mother who has her head screwed on straight. Set aside your wants and needs long enough to see the whole picture. SHE needs you far more than you need an abusive husband and a backward younger man. There will be plenty of opportunties in the future to find Mr. Wonderful, but he is going to pass you right by if he can't see that strong, beautiful woman that you really are, under all of this muck.

*****It makes me sick to know that I fell into this....strong-willed me, let my guard down, and fell into this****

You are only human. WE ALL goof up sometimes. Stop dwelling on the pain of yesterday and instead begin to learn from it. You are strong and you ARE loved. Just look into your daughter's eyes if you need validation...

ID

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 9:34pm
Thanks, ID, for the encouragement. I needed that. If nothing else, I realize (just have to keep telling myself) if it wasn't for this OM, I'd still be living in the useless marriage I had. He made me realize I do count, and I do have a life. I just need to keep telling myself that. No, I don't need another romance right now as much as I like him. Yes, I love my husband but I'm not in love with him. We were together almost 27 years, 22 of which were not happy ones. I need to be strong, and I need to go back to the independent, stand-up-tall, confident woman that I used to be. And whatever happens is meant to be....it's out of my hands anyway.

Not only did I find out he was dating someone, but he also was dating someone a while back that was "separated, older" and she had children also. Maybe it's a thing that he does because of his young, insecurities. I fell for him though. The attraction was there for both of us. I just don't know what his ideas were and never will know unless it's meant to be.

You're right. I'll try not to waste my time and energy, and the key word is "try", on a fantasy, emotional romance that may never be. I told myself from the beginning when he started these little flirts that he and I would never get together because of who he is. Yet I kept falling because of the screwed up marriage I was in. And he knew I was in a screwed up marriage and was very unhappy and vulnerable.

I should have known. I could just kick myself. Thanks for your support. I do need to focus on repairing my relationship with my teenage daughter. That's another mess in itself. I need to devote my time and energy to her. She does love me and I need to help her understand the relationship I don't have with her father anymore.

If I get screwed up again with this emotional mess, can I come back here for support? It's not an affair so to speak but yet it is. I guess it's a romance I created in my mind. I need to get my mind screwed back on right.

Thanks again.

Happy