I'm a veteran here......
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| Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:22am |
Hello all. I am a veteran of this board. I used to post here all the time during what was one of the most difficult times of my life. I decided to come back here today because the final stage of my ending the A is here. We managed to stay wonderful friends this past year but I realize that with that friendship comes the pain of unrequited love.
I won't go into the whole story of my A, it spans a four year period. (Cant' imagine that that much time has flown by!) He was the most important person in my life for so long, and he has taught me so much about life and the world and about myself. He hurt me tremendously, he loved me tremendously. He waited and hoped that I would leave my H , and I waited and hoped that he would get his life together and that I could trust him fully. Neither of which happened. This past year was peaceful and happy. But being friends with someone that you love is so difficult. He wants to be able to go to confession and be back in the church, and he says he can't do that if he is still longing for me. A friendship with someone you had an A with can be considered inappropriate depnding on how you look at it. I can't hold him back from doing what he needs to do to become a better man. So this is finally it. He says he will always love me and has no choice but to love me, it is part of his being. He wants to keep in touch, but I cannot do that. It would become torture for me to wait for the phone call, the text message. Constantly looking at the cell phone for some kind of message. It is sad and pitiful. I need to grow as a person also, and decide once and for all if I want to stay in a dead marriage for my children's sake. If I leave I have to leave for me, not because I want to be with OM.
I was all up night crying but I know that it is going to be okay. Reality is setting in. I am glad that we are coming to the end as friends, still loving eachother and having respect for one another. I am glad that I am going to start NC for ME, even though he wants to remain in some kind of contact. I told him that I can't have halfway with him, I can't be his buddy and talk to him about his new girlfriends.....I love him too much for that. It is best to end things here and now and like this.
I am in enormous pain, but you know what? I don't regret this A. Not even for a second. I can die now knowing what real love is.
My reason to posting this is for all you "rookies" in the ending the A thing. It hurts like hell. But you will get through it and it will all make sense to you someday. Stop waiting for the man that tells you he is going to leave his wife. I was the woman that was going to leave my H...guess what? I haven't.....For those of you that are married and have to leave your XOM, do it for you..do it for him so that he can have his freedom and have a "normal" relationship with someone that can give him more. For those of you that are mothers having an A, you aren't just disrespecting your H, you are cheating on your whole family.
I don't judge any one of you. I love all of you for the mere fact that I know the pain and the desperation that drives us to have A's. I have only met one woman that did it just for the fooling around, and in the end she wound up falling in love anyway. WE do this for reasons that are bigger than we are, that we can't control. We aren't bad people contrary to what the betrayed spouses think.
Self reflection is so important in ending an A. NC is useless unless you really believe in your heart that you are doing the right thing, that there is a reason for it. Trust me, I did the NC thing many many times, and failed at it.
My road is going to be very difficult because this is finally and truly the end after a very long time. I am so thankful for this board because many of us have noone else to confide to about these things...for fear of being judged. Even my therapist was not as supportive as the people here.
So take it from a Veteran, this isn't the end of life. Just the end of something that needs to end for the good of everyone. Doing the right thing doesn't always feel good, it feels horrible. Life is so sad, and so unfair. But we have no choice but to keep living it and to make the best of each day that we are given life.
Hang in there everybody.

*sigh*
I so hope I can get to the place you described very soon...very inspirational!
Thank You.
Jazzdiva