I'm wondering why myself
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I'm wondering why myself
| Fri, 01-14-2005 - 12:23pm |
I'm wondering why my x hasn't attempted to see me or call me. I broke it off with him, this is the third time. The first time he left his wife and moved in with me and a few weeks later he was having "doubts" so I literally moved his stuff out of my house. I called him the next day and apologized and but not before he went back to his w and had his mail forwarded to her house. He came back and things were fine for a couple of months and then he moved out and left me a note on the table saying how he missed his son (not from this w but from 1st wife-son lived with current w at time) and that his grandfather was sick and needed him. He again forwarded his mail to her house and moved back to her. He called me a week later but I wouldn't let him move back in. He ended up moving back because they started the divorce and he was paying a lot of temp support to her. Then I just had it with all the emptiness. He was unable to share feelings, tell me when something was wrong or even share anything of himself. I believe he was like that with w too. so I asked him to leave and he just said "ok", he looked hurt but seemed angry. He left with a few verbal jabs at me and has not called me or anything and today I got the confirmation that he forwarded his mail back to her house again. They are DIVORCED. last court date was in november. How could he go back there, how could she let him? He claimed that he loved me and when he initially came back the second time, told me he wanted to marry me. Right before I asked him to leave, he said he wanted to marry me, just not right now. So I'm thinking that he really has no feelings for anyone, that he just does what's convenient for the time. I don't want to go back with him but it hurts to know he doesn't even care about me and hell, if I didn't want him, she would. Shouldn't he mourn it too? I'm sure I did the right thing but it still hurts. It eats me up that all my time and energy went into someone who could just walk away. Anyone have any words that will help me to look at this in a different light. I need to let this go, really, really need to. I'm trying to be strong and tell my family and friends that I'm fine so i can't really talk to them about it.
Sorry for rambling on and the disjointed thoughts!
Sorry for rambling on and the disjointed thoughts!

Have a good night's sleep and then read your e-mail again tomorrow morning after you've had a cup of coffee -- and tell me what YOU think.
I haven't had a good night sleep in a while...I think he just didn't care, but I don't want to believe it. I spent over a year with this man. Shared my life with him...I don't understand how I could have walked around thinking I would spend the rest of my life with him. Well, I guess I do know how I could have thought that, he was constantly telling me how much he loved me, called me on every break at work, snuggled with me on the couch, rubbed my back at night, etc. He was just not able to talk about anything with any meaning and when I tried, he would have one of three comments or answers "I don't know", "I love you" or "I'm sorry". I would have liked him to respond to my distrustfulness of him and my fears. I think it was reasonable to want to discuss all that leaving and coming back. He just would answer with one of the three standard answers.
I guess I was hoping that someone would say something that would make me feel better, that maybe he just was not capable of anything more than what he gave me and that anyone with something more would not have been able to just simple say "ok". I know it sounds stupid but this whole thing has made me feel worthless. I'm trying to gather back my self esteem.
I'm no expert but what hit me was that you broke it up, told him to leave - why do you think he should contact you? Regardless of the history, if someone told me it was over, told me to leave the last thing I would do would be to contact them - like to think i would have some amount of pride left, to hold onto some self esteem and not try begging to be taken back. Then there's also an element of respecting what the other person wants - you told him to leave, he did -what more could you want?
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I don't understand what you want from him - are you sure you know?
MS
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

MSAimes,
You are suffering at the hands of a man who is encapable of expressing his feelings and making decisions. It appears that this is what has been frustrating you (and probably his XW also), and the both of you are enabling him to fence sit, hoping he'll come to some permanent decision one way or the other. As long as you keep taking him back, the cycle of coming and going will continue until your spirit is completely broken. My guess is that you will hear from him again, but in the meantime you need to figure out how you are going to handle it. If your man knows he can run home to Mommy (his X), he will. You have to put your foot down on this back and forth nonsense once and for all. Don't think for a moment that he doesn't care. He just doesn't know how to communicate this because he is so deep in his own emotional issues. Some men just "Can't" express their feelings, no matter what. Below is another board that may give you more insight on how to deal with such a person.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcommunityp
I would also suggest that you thoroughly read the article posted below in another section called: Co-dependent and addictive relationships.
Good luck,
Sunny
Edited 1/15/2005 8:45 am ET ET by sundrian
Your situation sounds similar to mine. Once I had left my H, the whole relationship with my xMM was put under a lot of stress. Mostly because he was still fence sitting.
I did a lot of back and forth, telling him I wanted to end it, and then changing my mind. The last time I told him I couldn't do it anymore, he said ok. Decided to stay in his M. I always knew he would, as he is an admitted chicken.
Maybe the stress just got to be too much for both of you. I feel sure if my xMM was to ever leave his W, he would never contact me. I left him no doubt that I don't want any contact with him.
I wonder too, how he could just give up, but I really think it got to be too much for both of us. It was best to end it. I know I made the right choice, but that doesn't stop me from wondering if he is really happy with his decision. I'll never know, because even if I were to ask he would say he is. That would hurt too much to hear. I figure he is like me, having his good days and bad days. Whether I'm there to hear him say it or not.
One thing I've learned from this is that actions speak louder than words. It's sad that the words are all you are left with, I try to focus on the action, or lack of it, to help me get over this. Not all the pretty things he said.
You know you did the right thing, and yes it's hard when they finally respect your decsion, but that will get easier. Somehow doing the right thing still doesn't stop the "what if's" or "why's" does it?
Owl
Owl,
You are so right. I know ending it was for the best and I foresee a time when I won't think about this anymore and will be truly over it. I absolutely hate that he went back to his ex-wife (they're divorced for crying out loud!) and that I have to drive by her house everyday (no way around it, i'm on a dead end that comes out to another dead end). I'm trying to look at it like this:
1) He really had no friends, all the friends he had prior to moving out of her house were couple friends that sided with her. He had no choice but to go their...well, he did have a choice (hotel, motel, friggin ymca) but that leads to number 2.
2) He obviously needs to be with someone. I like to think I was first choice but since he couldn't have me, he went back there.
3) He is only going back to what is safe and comfortable. She'll always take him back no matter what. She took care of everything. When he was filling out the divorce papers, he didn't even know the value of the house they had shared for 4 years!
4) He is going back to the same thing that was there before. The very things he left over will still be there, he is still the same and she is most likely still the same (I'm basing this on the fact that she is still willing to take him back after he left her on 3 separate occasions and they are, infact, divorced).
5) I don't need to check email, phone messages, etc. He won't call me, he is with a woman who will be providing all the security this weak little boy needs (I thought of something the other day, he asked me in the beginning if I was serious about wanting a relationship with him because he didn't want to leave his marriage and end up alone. That should have set off HUGE bells.
6) I am so much better off. Someday I'll meet someone who is able to convey thoughts and feelings. Who is honest, trustworthy, and adores me.
I just keep telling myself these things and know that everything will be okay. Focus, focus, breathe....
You didn't mention how long it's been since things ended. Are you feeling good now? Did you go back with your H?
Hi Aimes,
My A ended about 2 months ago. He wanted to stay friends, and I let him guilt me into that, even though I knew it wasn't right for me. We stayed in touch through email only. That was hard, it hurt too much to hear about what "they" were doing. He just couldn't/wouldn't understand why I couldn't stay friends, or meet me to say goodbye. After a few weeks of that I sent him the final email. That was a week ago.
I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was horrible! I sobbed uncontrollably for
over an hour, just wanting him back. Today I feel so much stronger. I had tried NC before and always caved. So I did have some practice at not hearing from him everyday. That has helped with this time. The bad days get farther and farther between. Before yesterday, I hadn't had a bad day in about 2 weeks. I know he will respect my decision this time, and I'll never hear from him again which is a good feeling. I also don't have any urge at all to contact him, so I know the healing is beginning.
My xMM had said he didn't want to be "alone and lonely" if he left his M and I didn't. That was months before I left. He stayed because he was scared. He admits it. He knew she would always be there no matter what, especially since she knew about me. He was too scared of the unknown, and like your MM, didn't really want to leave his comfort zone, no matter how much he professed to love me. I guess what it boils down to is I got played by a cake-eater. THAT makes me furious with myself!
I had wanted to leave my M off and on through the years, so in some weird twisted way this has been good for both me and my H. I am better able to communicate my feelings to him. We are working on things, but it is going to be a long, slow, process, and we both know it could still end in a D. He doesn't know about the A, and I will never tell him. I would never put him through that pain. I'll carry that guilt and shame to my grave.
My H loves me very much, I don't know if I could find someone to love me like that. I thought I had found it with xMM, but getting some distance from the A has helped me see that just maybe it wasn't love at all. I realized the other day, that the unhappiness I had felt throughout the years wasn't caused by my H or my M. It was an unhappiness in me, an unhappiness with myself. I'm working on that too.
H and I have agreed I will not go back for any reason, unless it's because I love him, and WANT to be with HIM. Not for financial reasons, or because I'm lonely, etc.
Keep your chin up girl! It will get better, just like everyone on this board will tell you. At first I didn't see how it ever would, but time does heal.
Sorry for the loooooong post! ;)
Owl