The Importance of NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
The Importance of NC
6
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 6:06pm
I have been thinking--always thinking, it seems--about why in the world can't i get over this thing? And i have come to the conclusion it is because i have not practice NC. I am nearly positive that if XMM and had been in NC since July of last year (can you believe how long it has been) then i would have moved on.

So, here is my question. I have already decided to not give up the non profit work i do with XMM--until June, when the project ends. Also, i cannot pull my children from little league without seriously calling attention to myself. So, does this mean i have to wait until June to put this fully into practice? What do you do when you work with your XMM? Change jobs? Move to another city?

I FINALLY got an email from him just now regarding an answer to something i needed. He just wrote "Okie Dokie!" What a JERK.

I am seriously sorry. I am just having a bad day today.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 8:34am
Hey Clarice! Sorry you're having a bad time of it. I just finished posting about my incredible urge to contact my OMM. I don't know how NC works either. In the past as soon as I had an urge to contact him, or I missed him "too much," I went right ahead and gave in without any resistance. This time, I'm really trying to work through the feelings without disrupting everything I'm working toward. That means absolutely NC, not even one teeny weeny little text message to see how he's doing. Nothing.

I do not have to come into contact with my OMM regularly as you do. In your case, gosh, I don't know what I'd do. I do understand why you don't want to drag your kids off little league to help you keep NC, that too much disruption in their lives and this isn't their problem. But gee, how do you handle having to see him regularly?

My OMM lives about 1 mile away from me and I drive by his house once in a while, late at night, and if his car isn't there, I get all curious and wonder where he is and who he's with. I can see very valid reasons for moving to a new town, etc., but its not practical for me. Best of luck to you and stay strong!

mo 7-18-10

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:31am
Hi Clarice-

I'm in the same position as you where I do see my XOM - mainly because he lives across the street from me and our children are friends, common lessons which we take turns driving to etc.

I know hard this is. Definitely my worst moments come after seeing him. Yesterday I was thinking about this very thing and decided that the only way that I will get over him is to really attack my feelings for him. I can't just forget about him, because he's always around, but can I feel differently about him so it won't matter that I see him. I've been trying to really focus on the negatives about him and about our relationship (and trying to focus on the positives about my husband) and its helping. Why don't you try to list five things about your OM that you don't like and go over this list at least three times a day. Drill it into yourself that he's human, has faults and try to face that alot of that would probably have come to light had you had a real relationship. Picture yourself as his wife and him cheating on you? How great is he now? Go over it and go over it till you see him for what he is.

I'm not trying to put him down, but these guys aren't perfect, and sometimes I think we build them up to be as an 'escape'. We need to burst the fantasy bubble.

Anyway, hope that helps a little - I know its hard!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 11:38am
these are good ideas. I do have a list of things i don't like about him and i will read that list daily. I cannot believe you live across the street from your XMM. That has to be amazingly hard. . . i can't imagine that. My XMM does live in my neighborhood, but not that close.

He just manages to permeate every part of my life: my computer, my office line, my home line (he hasn't called on my cell in a while). Last night for instance, while i was starting to cook dinner for my family (and thougth i was safe to answer the phone--i often just let my office line and house line ring thru to voice mail so i can avoid him), i pick up the phone and it's him. He always seems to come out of nowhere to surprise me.

Am still working thru this and am so glad you are all here.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 1:12pm
I did exactly this....I called it the Sh*t List. It did help. I was amazed at all of the things that I was willing to ignore because I loved him. Sometimes it helps me to think that if a girlfriend treated me the way he sometimes treated me, I wouldn't even consider continuing the friendship. Why would I be willing to put up with that behavior in a boyfriend?

I also made a list called "The Truth" and listed things that I wanted to focus more on...like he has a daughter that he couldn't stand to leave, he chose his wife instead of me, etc. The purpose of that list was to make me made enough at the situation that I would feel like an idiot if I broke down and contacted him.

I read both of those lists whenever I felt the "urge." It helped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 5:33pm
This is a great thread, girls. I just responded to another poster about fantasy meeting reality and its just like you said. I'm certainly not trying to put OMM down or anything. He's a great guy, really. But to make a list of those "not so nice" qualities or things that are incompatible and keep it handy sounds like a great tool.

I can so identify. If these guys hooked up with us, what would/will stop them from hooking up with OWs after they're with us? One thing that did bother me was my OMM's eagerness to dump his wife and daughter to be with me. I remember his flight would land at the airport late on a Friday afternoon and instead of going right home to see his DD he'd want to meet me for the evening and see her the next morning. Boy, I'd be pretty disappointed if my H treated my kids that way. Doesn't say much about his character, huh?

Anyway, you all are sharing great thoughts and its helping me get over this difficult period so much. Thanks!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 6:31pm
Clarice, do I ever know exactly what your struggling with. While my situation is a tad different we do work together and are involved with alot of activites within the job as well outside the job together, but first I told myself that once those came to an end that wpould be the end, but I always found one excuse after another to find some way of keeping contact. And because he never wanted for us to lose contact this was never a problem for him. Still I'm struggling with this task, as now I'm holding on hoping he'll be true to his word and once his daughter graduates in June he'll leave, but the odds are against me as he has never lived up to his word yet.