Incredible Urger to Call OMM last nite
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| Wed, 03-31-2004 - 7:58am |
Sigh. I feel okay this morning. I just had to get out there that I'm struggling with NC a bit. As my friend pointed out, that's perfectly normal to miss him and wonder how he is. But I need to not act on this urge. It would be so tremendously unfair to him because I think after I heard his voice and my curiousity was satisfied as to how he's doing, I would've been content to leave it at that. Meanwhile, who knows what I would have stirred up in him? And how damaging would that small bit of contact been to the marriage I'm trying to rebuild?
I don't know, but its comforting to know that we don't have to act on all of our thoughts. Just needed to share that, and I hope that some of you who are in the same situation can share your way of dealing with the urges. Thanks!
P.S. Clarice - I did pray!


Things that have helped me avoid the urge: I've changed some of my "triggers." For example, we communicated so much through email that I've re-arranged my whole office and computer set-up. Just having things in a different place helps me not to feel quite the same when I'm working in my office; it's just a different "energy," I don't know how else to explain it, but it helps. Also -- I realized that I've got about 4 new & different things in my life than I did when I was in the affair that are redirecting my energies away from those thoughts; I've been working out with friends, doing lots of yoga, and have taken on 3 new volunteer projects. Again, it's a change in the way my energy is channeled and it helps tremendously.
Not that I don't still have bad days, but by now I know that I can get through those bad days. I say the old mantra, "This too shall pass." It's been 4 months since the A ended, with very little contact in that time period, and I swear it is getting better all the time.
As a matter of fact, I have broken my anonymity on this board and my "sponsor" is exactly the person I called last night. I have analogized OMM to a drug and just know that once I send that first text message or make that first phone call, all bets are off. Without knowing what happened I'll shortly be back in the sack with him. That's just me. My first thoughts are always alittle diseased. The beauty of recovery is that I have the gift of the "second" thought - which usually comes after I've spoken to my wonderful support group. Then I take the more reasonable action.
Thanks so much for sharing your insight!
God: help to take this person out of my heart, mind and soul.
Clarice