Indifference

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Indifference
33
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 10:56am

Three months into the Ending, two months since a very brief break in NC (one 30 min exchange of IMs), and I think I am feeling.... wait for it..... INDIFFERENCE. Can you frickin' believe it?! Yep. The day before yesterday, yesterday, this morning (so far) and I'm feeling very 'meh' towards xAP. Don't have ANY desire to ever speak to him again, no longer frustrated or mulling over the lack of 'closure' that we all struggle with, no longer daydreaming about meeting up with him accidently and how stunning I'll look nor how he'll respond. Nada. Zip. He's not on my mind as an individual, only as an element of my A, which I keep on my mind because I'm still working on ME and my issues that got me into this mess. But, I'm not romantically thinking of him, missing him, or wanting him in any way.

I'm not sure this all qualifies as pure indifference, though, because I do think of my xAP instead of not thinking of him at all, but the thoughts are all negative -- not passionately hateful or anything - just thinking "ya know? After thinking about it.... I don't really even like him as a person anymore." All those things he did or didn't do during the A don't bother or charm me anymore. I still miss sex, not getting any _anywhere_, not even at home - but, I don't miss xAP's sex. In fact, after really considering it, he wasn't very good in bed anyway. ha. With out the added adrenaline and drama of the sneaking around and the illicit nature of the sex, he was pretty darn average in bed. Of course, HE doesn't know that! lol. (I did MY share of lying in the affair, too!) ;)

And, it's not as if my M is magically healed and filling the voids now that drove me to an A in the first place. No. M is the same. So my indifference towards xAP is purely because I'm over it, over him and moving on.

The indifference snuck up on me. I just noticed that when a thought of xAP came across my mind, there was not a pang or tingle.... nothing. I was no longer curious about what he was doing or interested in wasting time thinking about 'us'. I thought I loved him, and he loved me. Probably all false, but... hey... I don't care anymore either way. I thought he was a nice guy in a difficult situation, but now I think he's JAM with issues that I am so relieved are no longer any of my business (as if they _ever_ were). I don't feel any real anger, but I do think he's a pathetic, small, damaged little man - I have no respect for him and I don't want him in my life, thoughts, or future in any way.

I always thought WE were 'different' - not like all you other A havers! ;) WE were special, there was love and all that other BS. We were star crossed lovers, doomed to carry each other in our hearts, alone, in the deepest part of our souls ('cuz, ya know, the 'connection' was just that deeeeep. evs)
BUT! Life is not a Sophia Loren movie and he sure as hell isn't any Marcello Mastroianni!

I know there is a possibility that I'll swing back and forth from anger or sadness back to indifference, but I'm just so happy and thankful to know what indifference feels like, finally!

Good luck to all of you! Thanks to everyone on this board who has helped me (actually, ALL the posters have helped me.) Keep posting, reading and moving forward toward a more beautiful you and a life you deserve.

Blessings,
Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 11:29am
Dee,
I always come away with something after reading your posts. Indifference. I have felt it many times in my life in various situations, but to have that feeling about my XAP is something I am anxiously awaiting! No love, no hatred, no anger, just indifference toward him. As if he never existed and the A never happened. If I can reach that point I can more easily and quickly move on with my life. I believe it will happen with time. Today I am 8 weeks out of my A. Day by day, I hope to reach indifference. Thank you for sharing this perspective.
CSN
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 3:38pm

Dee

You have no idea how how much I'm looking forward to feeling the same way :( I am only 2 weeks NC tomorrow and already it feels like forever. The constant 'fighting' feeling is so incredibly exhausting, and combined with feelings of depression it seems as though this is never going to end!

Probably the worst of the feelings at the moment, for me, is that feeling of waking up with no excitement or care about the future, I'm not looking forward to anything at the moment, and it takes so much effort to just get through the day. I just want to go back to sleep as soon as I wake up! (I started medication last Wednesday so I'm hoping that over the next few weeks it might start making a difference?)

Anyway, sorry to be on such a downer. I am so pleased for you Dee, you've obviously worked so so hard to get to where you are now and you deserve to feel the way you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 4:25pm

YIPPEE for you, Dee!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 8:32pm

I just want to second that for anyone who feels like they're NEVER going to feel better. I'm almost to three months NC and I totally agree that the difference between 8 weeks and 11 weeks is HUGE.


I still have some sad days, but I've noticed that it's usually when I'm really tired or when I have a bad day (he was always my outlet and my distraction when something else went wrong so not being able to call him for that distraction is still a trigger for me...but he was a distraction for five years so I'm trying to be patient with myself while I "detox".)


BUT, it definitely gets better so hang in there! You'll find yourself realizing, "Hey, I haven't had a single thought of him for the last two hours!" and then instead of THAT realization making you think about him, you'll move on and go ANOTHER two or three

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 9:30pm

Hooray Dee!!!! We've both been on here for a while and I feel like we've shared the journey, in a way. I'm sooooo glad to hear you are feeling indifference. I'll be 4 months NC on Tuesday and definitely waffle among indifference, sadness, anger, and a whole lot of "what the f@$! Was I thinking for 8 years?!?!".

Point being that we are stronger than we were and we're consistently moving forward. After spending so many years in neutral,it feels good to move ahead.

Yey for us girlie!!!!!
Gal

"Once and for all, I'm far away.

I hardly believe, finally the shades... are raised."

Pearl Jam
NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 10:30pm

Thank you so much for your post usedtobenormal :)

Your words just spoke to 'me' so much, simple but so incredibly reassuring. 13 days NC for me today and I actually can't believe it's two weeks tomorrow, even though I feel like I haven't made any progress whatsoever - I'm sure I have though!

Sooooo looking forward to a month now, then two months, then three months!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 01-31-2010 - 12:56am

way to go dee !


keep going with that feeling.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 01-31-2010 - 10:06am

Thanks everyone! I am really tickled that my announcement inspired and comforted some. Makes me feel great that I can contribute something to the board instead of just sucking from it and making the Vets nuts! ha.

Another cool announcement: I had my first dinner party (that was not an extended family holiday dinner) in my new house. It went really, really well! I had a blast and so did everyone else. I was proud as punch about the new house! Anyway, I didn't think about X ONCE during the day. It wasn't until I was having my before bed cigarette, when everyone had already gone to bed, that my mind went there --- and, yet, it was to think only, "I didn't think of him! Yippee!!" I know that doesn't sound like much, but one of my main triggers in the past has been when I'm cooking or doing something 'neat' and I was sorry that I was not cooking for _him_ or that I couldn't share what I was doing with him. Not any more. It's huge for me. And I didn't even have to work at it.

Thank God for small mercies!

Love to you all,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 01-31-2010 - 2:03pm

This is great news dee! Your timing couldn't have been more perfect. So we get out of ICU eventually? :) I was feeling so down yesterday and was starting to wonder if I was ever going to snap out of it. Was even thinking of antidepressants. And boom, there was your post. It gave me the boost I needed.

Thanks again! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: deeulta
Sun, 01-31-2010 - 2:16pm

Hey, dee~


Ahhh....sweet indifference...isn't it NICE?!? I'm

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