indifference retracted

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
indifference retracted
14
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 10:09am

Yesterday was a day from hell. I saw xAP on the street. We spotted each other, nodded, and I turned to walk the other direction and couldn't move. I was frozen. He crossed the street and walked down half the block and came up behind me. We exchanged small talk, like, "Hi, how are you? What are you doing here?" stuff - then we hugged and said g'bye. Since we have no anger towards each other, this seem like a reasonable reaction for both of us.

Then, last night, I had a dinner party with a group of friends (three other couples with whom I am very close.) Triggers were hitting me right and left, almost as if God were testing me. Friends brought house warming gifts - a red velvet cake (had a connection to X) - a bottle of wine (X's favorite one that we've shared before) - his band was mentioned - some work related stuff for his wife was brought up - then, and this is the killer.... friend went to my piano and started playing.... the second song out of the gate was ONE OF X'S!!! I was drunkish and man, oh, man.... it was like a roundhouse kick to the head. Eating red velvet cake, drinking X's wine, listening to X's song on my piano in MY home, and after an entire day where H was cold, distracted, and had ignored me most of the night.

I went for a walk with my good girlfriend and confessed the A for the first time to anyone. She's also recovered from an A - after a Dday - and that was three years ago. She was very supportive and sympathetic and I asked her if I could call on her for support with my feelings when I'm overwhelmed or feel the desire to break NC. It's nice to know I have someone to call on (besides this wonderful board), but now I am paranoid and nervous that my secret is OUT and that I'll be exposed. I never intend to tell H and I think I may have made a huge mistake to tell my girlfriend, who is someone very closely connected in H's and my circle of friends.

The dreams last night were intense and painful. I woke up missing X and felling very teary and shaky. The fear of being exposed is making me sick to my stomach. I am not sure what I'm feeling exactly, but I know I don't feel peaceful - I don't feel 'indifferent' - I don't feel like I'm on solid ground anymore - and, I don't know how I'm going to get through this day without breaking down.

It's been over three months and I guess I thought I was doing better than I really am. It's disappointing and scary.

Do I get to keep my wings?

:(
Dee




Edited 2/7/2010 10:18 am ET by deeulta

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 10:34am

Talk about a recipe for disaster!

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 11:40am

Dee...first, ((HUG)) :) This is just strange, and particularly given I'd read here that 3 and 6 month markers "tend" to be difficult points. I wonder why that is... I was pretty much to indifference...not 100% of the time, but MOST of the time with a "moment" thrown in here and there just to remind me of the pain.


I don't know if you remember, but you and I ended on exactly the same day. I was NC for most of that time, but b/c we live in the same community and have times when we have to work together (don't work for the same company, but entities that must interact) we're more VERY LC. Anyway... this past week in some business-related e-mail he got friendly (has been strictly professional up to this point) and asked, "How are you?"... we both admitted to missing each other. OK...of course it felt great to know he missed me. Right now... I feel some satisfaction in knowing that, but I also know it needs to stop there. UGH!


Hang in there...we've come so far :) Glad you have a friend to talk to...but I hear 'ya on the paranoia :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 11:53am

Dear Dee ...


I just want to send you some love and support ... others are going to (wisely) come along and give you the tough(er) love that you'll need to snap outta it.


I think though you're back to day one NC with the incredibly valuable insights you have gained over the past 3 months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 12:56pm

Oh, Dee--


I feel your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 2:09pm

We need to talk about practicalities here. Yes, theoretically you are a tweener but having had contact with XAP may make you feel back to square one, but you aren't. You had a very bad day and there will probably be more of them.

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 2:54pm

Dee!!!!


Wow, the planets must have been aligned just right yesterday for you to have experienced that. Yikes.


If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about being exposed by your friend. If she's no stranger to

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 3:52pm

Thank you, Everyone, for the support and encouragement. I had red velvet cake and a paxil for breakfast and I feel ok right now. It's not Breakfast of Champions, more like Breakfast of Basket Cases - but, hey, it worked.

I know that it will take some time to digest all that happened yesterday, I'm just very discouraged and disappointed that I am not feeling the indifference and strength that I felt a few weeks ago, and insecure that I mistook my feelings then for something that they weren't (or maybe that it went away so easily). Anyway, I can at least remember how it felt and be hopeful that, with a little time, I'll be back there.

Iddy was correct. At least my X is decent. He's not tried to fish; he's not adding to my pain, and I'm not adding to his. I'm very lucky that way and, believe me, after reading the horror stories on this board, I really KNOW that!

Whatever will be will be re: telling my friend. I am glad I shared my troubles with her and she really IS a dear and wise woman. I have to have faith that I was compelled to share with her for a reason - even if I don't get the results I want (as in she blabs), there is probably a reason for it to happen. However, I do feel that having a real-life person to share this burden with will be a good thing, and, right now, I really do need the extra help. I wish I'd told her before - at the very beginning of the end would have been a better time... Oh, but before I got INTO this mess would have been best.

The board seems to address two major A issues; getting over X just like anyone in any relationship has to do, and addressing the core issues and personal faults/challenges that allowed us to get into the A in the first place. I am having a difficult time today being a big girl and accepting RL for what it is. I miss X and I mourn the loss of the A-fixes - and I mourn that H and RL are so, sigh, difficult. I miss the ego strokes, the excitement and the sex. RL is offering none of that, but it's what I have to work with and I won't trade it in for the fakey substitute of an A. The price is just too high. My children's future, my self respect, my piece of mind, my pride, my rightness of my moral compass... all of that. Weakness is not an option. I lived for over three months without X or the A and, guess what?! I survived!! This little set back is just a bump in the road and I have to keep perspective. I am a better person now and I have an inner fortitude that I didn't have before. I worked really fn hard to get HERE, even if 'here' today is not such a great place, it beats the h#ll out of where I was a few months ago. I OWN my progress and triggers and emo tailspins are NOT going to be the end of my moving forward. I have the board to thank for helping me get this far. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

I know I'm rambling, sorry!!! I'm just trying to pump myself up! :) Go Team!! ahahah. Team Dee! It's the _real_ super bowl, ya know. Damn, you guys rock. can't say that enough. Vets, bless you. Newbies, keep sharing (it's an awesome reminder.) Tweeners, you're my twin sisters -- keep me in your thoughts and I have you in mine.

LOVE loveLOVElove to you all and thanks again.
Dee

(ps. Not changing my name. I like Dee Ulta and I have disassociated all previous attachments to X and this name. Now, this name means to me ONLY my membership to this board family.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 4:32pm

Deeulta,


What a day! Whew!!!! I am not yet a tweener but really close and

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 8:39pm

Just heard this song and thought about this thread:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knux8LPRhlc


It Stops Today by: Colbie Caillat


No, no, I, I, I, I, I don't want to break when I speak
I don't want to shake while I'm standing
I don't want to crawl into another hole
I don't know what I'm hiding for
No, I, I, I, I, I don't want to fall when I stand
I don't want to have to hold your hand
I just want to be the girl I use to be when I was me and worry free
I know these burnings on my own

(Chorus)
But I can't keep on running
No I just can't keep on running away from here
I know that the only way to be is to fight my every fear
I'm not going to make it 'til I turn around and face it alone, I know
I can't just keep running, no I just can't keep on running away
So it stop today
(End of chorus)

So here I am, I'm taking my first step
Thought I was losing balance but I caught myself
I kind of like the challenge, no I don't need help
I'm going to make it past the very start
It's always been my hardest part

But I, I, I, I, I'm going to stay in control
I must admit this crutch is getting old
I am going to throw it out of my hand
I'm finally here, I understand
I know I'll get there on my own

(Chorus)
So I can't keep on running
No I just can't keep on running away from here
I know that the only way to be is fighting my every fear
I'm not going to make it 'til I turn around and face it alone, I know
That I can't keep running, no I just can't keep on running away
So it stop today
(End of chorus)

(Bridge)
You can hide from all the pain
But it will find you anyway
Yes, I know, now I know

(Chorus)
That I can't keep on running
No I jus't can't keep on running away from here
I know that the only way to be is fighting my every fear
I'm not going to make it til I turn around and face it alone, I know
That I can't just keep running, no I just can't keep on running away
So it stops today


Hope you're feeling better...I know what it's like to feel "shaken" at this point...just when you thought you had your balance :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 9:04pm

thank you (-:

Today has been a day spend in mourning: for the woman I was, the partner I was, the mother I was ... and I must say, I miss my H so much these days ... I am so full of regret.

The suffering while necessary, is almost unbearable.

And I know, I gotta get 'there on my own'.

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