indifference retracted
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| Sun, 02-07-2010 - 10:09am |
Yesterday was a day from hell. I saw xAP on the street. We spotted each other, nodded, and I turned to walk the other direction and couldn't move. I was frozen. He crossed the street and walked down half the block and came up behind me. We exchanged small talk, like, "Hi, how are you? What are you doing here?" stuff - then we hugged and said g'bye. Since we have no anger towards each other, this seem like a reasonable reaction for both of us.
Then, last night, I had a dinner party with a group of friends (three other couples with whom I am very close.) Triggers were hitting me right and left, almost as if God were testing me. Friends brought house warming gifts - a red velvet cake (had a connection to X) - a bottle of wine (X's favorite one that we've shared before) - his band was mentioned - some work related stuff for his wife was brought up - then, and this is the killer.... friend went to my piano and started playing.... the second song out of the gate was ONE OF X'S!!! I was drunkish and man, oh, man.... it was like a roundhouse kick to the head. Eating red velvet cake, drinking X's wine, listening to X's song on my piano in MY home, and after an entire day where H was cold, distracted, and had ignored me most of the night.
I went for a walk with my good girlfriend and confessed the A for the first time to anyone. She's also recovered from an A - after a Dday - and that was three years ago. She was very supportive and sympathetic and I asked her if I could call on her for support with my feelings when I'm overwhelmed or feel the desire to break NC. It's nice to know I have someone to call on (besides this wonderful board), but now I am paranoid and nervous that my secret is OUT and that I'll be exposed. I never intend to tell H and I think I may have made a huge mistake to tell my girlfriend, who is someone very closely connected in H's and my circle of friends.
The dreams last night were intense and painful. I woke up missing X and felling very teary and shaky. The fear of being exposed is making me sick to my stomach. I am not sure what I'm feeling exactly, but I know I don't feel peaceful - I don't feel 'indifferent' - I don't feel like I'm on solid ground anymore - and, I don't know how I'm going to get through this day without breaking down.
It's been over three months and I guess I thought I was doing better than I really am. It's disappointing and scary.
Do I get to keep my wings?
:(
Dee
Edited 2/7/2010 10:18 am ET by deeulta

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Dee~
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That's my girl. You summed it all up perfectly. True,
~Iddy~
Dee -
I just wanted to extend a great big HUG.
You are such an incredible and amazingly strong woman. I would have downed as much wine as there was available and passed out with my face in my cake after falling onto the piano. You're amazing.
I am relieved too that I can hold onto my 22 days LC ... I wasn't sure that expressing emotion, however spontaneous, meant that I had to go back to day one! I had to be at the presentation, had to present, but couldn't have anticipated what he would say, or my reaction ... and 300 sets of eye-balls looking back at us.
Anyway, I think you handled the whole day with grace and dignity. I am sure your friend will hold your sharing. Almost everyone in my life knew and met my xAP, including my H while the A was going on.
And they all protected xAP because of me and not wanting to hurt his family ... even mutual friends of us all. No one wants to get in the middle of this kinda stuff. I hope that she recognizes it will do no one any good - least of all your H.
Please take care and I hope you feel the love wherever it is you read this from (-:
j.
Hi Dee,
Sorry to hear all that you went through these past few days from the unexpected meeting xAP to the gathering of friends.
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice and I just wanted to focus on the bumping into xAP part. It is a good idea to plan what you will do next time since you know it is possible you will run into him again. I know we want to move on and appear like life is great for us and we no longer have feelings for the xMM. Eventually feelings do fade or at the very least the feelings are much less. Here is the problem though.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
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