Indifference
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| Sat, 01-30-2010 - 10:56am |
Three months into the Ending, two months since a very brief break in NC (one 30 min exchange of IMs), and I think I am feeling.... wait for it..... INDIFFERENCE. Can you frickin' believe it?! Yep. The day before yesterday, yesterday, this morning (so far) and I'm feeling very 'meh' towards xAP. Don't have ANY desire to ever speak to him again, no longer frustrated or mulling over the lack of 'closure' that we all struggle with, no longer daydreaming about meeting up with him accidently and how stunning I'll look nor how he'll respond. Nada. Zip. He's not on my mind as an individual, only as an element of my A, which I keep on my mind because I'm still working on ME and my issues that got me into this mess. But, I'm not romantically thinking of him, missing him, or wanting him in any way.
I'm not sure this all qualifies as pure indifference, though, because I do think of my xAP instead of not thinking of him at all, but the thoughts are all negative -- not passionately hateful or anything - just thinking "ya know? After thinking about it.... I don't really even like him as a person anymore." All those things he did or didn't do during the A don't bother or charm me anymore. I still miss sex, not getting any _anywhere_, not even at home - but, I don't miss xAP's sex. In fact, after really considering it, he wasn't very good in bed anyway. ha. With out the added adrenaline and drama of the sneaking around and the illicit nature of the sex, he was pretty darn average in bed. Of course, HE doesn't know that! lol. (I did MY share of lying in the affair, too!) ;)
And, it's not as if my M is magically healed and filling the voids now that drove me to an A in the first place. No. M is the same. So my indifference towards xAP is purely because I'm over it, over him and moving on.
The indifference snuck up on me. I just noticed that when a thought of xAP came across my mind, there was not a pang or tingle.... nothing. I was no longer curious about what he was doing or interested in wasting time thinking about 'us'. I thought I loved him, and he loved me. Probably all false, but... hey... I don't care anymore either way. I thought he was a nice guy in a difficult situation, but now I think he's JAM with issues that I am so relieved are no longer any of my business (as if they _ever_ were). I don't feel any real anger, but I do think he's a pathetic, small, damaged little man - I have no respect for him and I don't want him in my life, thoughts, or future in any way.
I always thought WE were 'different' - not like all you other A havers! ;) WE were special, there was love and all that other BS. We were star crossed lovers, doomed to carry each other in our hearts, alone, in the deepest part of our souls ('cuz, ya know, the 'connection' was just that deeeeep. evs)
BUT! Life is not a Sophia Loren movie and he sure as hell isn't any Marcello Mastroianni!
I know there is a possibility that I'll swing back and forth from anger or sadness back to indifference, but I'm just so happy and thankful to know what indifference feels like, finally!
Good luck to all of you! Thanks to everyone on this board who has helped me (actually, ALL the posters have helped me.) Keep posting, reading and moving forward toward a more beautiful you and a life you deserve.
Blessings,
Dee

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Go Dee! Go Dee! Yeah! (Done in my best cheerleader--high school musical voice!)
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Dee that is great news.
Comments and
Thanks for the post...only 6 weeks out and so look forward to the day I can say, hey, didn't enter my mind once today! You are my inspiration!
Dee (and any others!)
Just wondering...if you happened to bump into xAP now, would that indifference still be there do you think? If you saw him in person? I'm just wondering - I am only 2 weeks NC, and in four weeks time I will start a new full time job that will take me back into town and about 5 minutes away from my old workplace and xAP's current workplace. The chance of bumping into him will increase quite a bit (due to the one large central shopping area in our town) but there is also the possibility that we may never cross paths either.
I'm curious whether anyone has bumped into their xAP in the street or wherever, and how they coped (and whether that depended on what stage of NC they were). I know I will need to be prepared just in case, as I would absolutely hate it if it happened and it set my healing way back. Any thoughts?
bestrong,
The best line of defense is planning. My xAP and I live a 1000 miles apart, so we have almost zero chances of running into each other. But we did, or rather we locked eyes at a college football game this past fall. I suspected he might be there, but never did I think we would be close enough to exchange glances. It hurt for a while and I'm over a 1 1/2 yrs out! But because it didn't catch me by total surprise, I dealt with it. I knew he would be on the sidelines and I knew I'd probably see him, so I had "planned" on that. So, I guess my advice to you would be, to be real and understand you might see him. Plan what you might do and yes, plan how you think you can work through it. I had a great time at the game I saw xAP at, but I also repeated over and over, JAM, JAM .... just all the other's here.
I happen to have passed X in our cars several times. Not since feeling indifference, but early on. I passed him twice before we started NC and I smiled and waved - and once after NC, I pretended to not see him and, though he waved, I drove past expressionless, eyes straight ahead. I was a mess when I got to work, though!
I used to fixate and stress about the eventuality that I run into him in person and that was not healthy. I used to fantasize about looking the best I've ever looked and playing the whole scene like a cool cucumber. ha. (when I knew that inside I'd be falling apart!) But now, I think about that hardly at all. Today, it crossed my mind, and I just thought, "I'll ignore him entirely. If he presses for a response or addresses me directly, I'll be aloof as possible and make a hasty exit. I regret that I have to pay the piper, so to speak, for having created a situation where I have these sorts of concerns - and I know in my heart of hearts that, as I walk away from him should we ever meet in public, I will be saying to myself, "Thank GOD I don't have that sh*t to contend with anymore." I might even jump up and click my heels (I can do that, too! I'm still pretty agile for an old chick :)
I wish you well in your new job and I hope that your move and new work will be so wonderful for you that you no longer allow Xap to rent space in your head. If you do the work needed to heal and grow, I mean REALLY do the work, then you will know exactly what to do in any situation and you'll be FINE afterwards. Trust me.
Love to you and wishes for a peaceful night.
Dee
Dee (and bandk too!)
Thank you both so much for your words of wisdom. It's great to hear from you girls who have really BTDT!!
Dee, I know exactly what you mean about fixating on bumping into xAP - I have been thinking about that a bit (along with the billion other thoughts that are flying through my mind at any given moment!). I just want to be able to work towards a place where it wouldn't be much of a concern for me at all. That's my goal!
Thank you so much for your kind words re my new job. Yes, it's quite a dream job, in a very new and modern five storey office overlooking the waterfront, with lots of great 'perks' like gym membership and lovely relaxation areas on each floor. I'm very lucky! It would be wonderful if it takes my mind completely off xAP!
I've been feeling so depressed and flat, and tonight your words spoke to me. I've just been 'struggling through', and on self reflection maybe i'm not doing enough work right now?? It's so hard to know what I should be doing at this stage of where I'm at - I seem to be so tired all the time and so mentally exhausted, but I WANT to do things to heal and grow. Does that make sense?
xx
Of course that makes sense! The beginning is very difficult and none of knew how to handle it until we found this board (thank god for it.) Sounds like you have an amazing, positive attitude towards getting to a peaceful, healed place -- the flat, ick feelings you have now are temporary, don't worry; you'll get there. Self reflection is a great place to be, and, I think, a really positive starting point. Beats the heck out of obsessing and wallowing (also to be expected at some point, but just not healthy!) Stick with self reflection for a while. It's a _tough_ one! Oy. When I first start to come to grips with myself and be fully accountable for my actions; .... groan, I was mortified.
I'm sure you are reading old posts, right? All the tools you need to heal are on this board. I suggest you read them over and over because the message you get from a post while in a particular stage in your progress, might a totally different message down the road a bit. Oh, and NC NCNCNCNCNCNCNC. ever. ok?
I have a very good feeling about you, Best! I look forward to reading your posts in a few weeks when you tell all about your job and forget to mention JAM. :)
Cheers,
Dee
Hi, Acting.
No, things are not getting better with my husband. Well, actually, it is. oy. See, my husband is a good and decent person who treats me like a sister. There is no passion AT ALL. Ever. No fights, really, no sex, no nothing except raising children and keeping afloat in this economy. There is no room for anything else, including having expectation of romance and such. I hate to sound like a bummer, but really.... I'm just holding out, trying to do the right thing and hoping that with a little faith, God will bless me again with a man who is a lover and not just a friend. If I work on my M as hard as I can and it still is the same when my youngest gets to gradeschool, I'll probably have to leave him. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this.
That said, I'll never, EVER turn to an A to fill my needs again. I'd rather go without than go that route.
Viva la Indifference!!
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