Indifference
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 01-30-2010 - 10:56am |
Three months into the Ending, two months since a very brief break in NC (one 30 min exchange of IMs), and I think I am feeling.... wait for it..... INDIFFERENCE. Can you frickin' believe it?! Yep. The day before yesterday, yesterday, this morning (so far) and I'm feeling very 'meh' towards xAP. Don't have ANY desire to ever speak to him again, no longer frustrated or mulling over the lack of 'closure' that we all struggle with, no longer daydreaming about meeting up with him accidently and how stunning I'll look nor how he'll respond. Nada. Zip. He's not on my mind as an individual, only as an element of my A, which I keep on my mind because I'm still working on ME and my issues that got me into this mess. But, I'm not romantically thinking of him, missing him, or wanting him in any way.
I'm not sure this all qualifies as pure indifference, though, because I do think of my xAP instead of not thinking of him at all, but the thoughts are all negative -- not passionately hateful or anything - just thinking "ya know? After thinking about it.... I don't really even like him as a person anymore." All those things he did or didn't do during the A don't bother or charm me anymore. I still miss sex, not getting any _anywhere_, not even at home - but, I don't miss xAP's sex. In fact, after really considering it, he wasn't very good in bed anyway. ha. With out the added adrenaline and drama of the sneaking around and the illicit nature of the sex, he was pretty darn average in bed. Of course, HE doesn't know that! lol. (I did MY share of lying in the affair, too!) ;)
And, it's not as if my M is magically healed and filling the voids now that drove me to an A in the first place. No. M is the same. So my indifference towards xAP is purely because I'm over it, over him and moving on.
The indifference snuck up on me. I just noticed that when a thought of xAP came across my mind, there was not a pang or tingle.... nothing. I was no longer curious about what he was doing or interested in wasting time thinking about 'us'. I thought I loved him, and he loved me. Probably all false, but... hey... I don't care anymore either way. I thought he was a nice guy in a difficult situation, but now I think he's JAM with issues that I am so relieved are no longer any of my business (as if they _ever_ were). I don't feel any real anger, but I do think he's a pathetic, small, damaged little man - I have no respect for him and I don't want him in my life, thoughts, or future in any way.
I always thought WE were 'different' - not like all you other A havers! ;) WE were special, there was love and all that other BS. We were star crossed lovers, doomed to carry each other in our hearts, alone, in the deepest part of our souls ('cuz, ya know, the 'connection' was just that deeeeep. evs)
BUT! Life is not a Sophia Loren movie and he sure as hell isn't any Marcello Mastroianni!
I know there is a possibility that I'll swing back and forth from anger or sadness back to indifference, but I'm just so happy and thankful to know what indifference feels like, finally!
Good luck to all of you! Thanks to everyone on this board who has helped me (actually, ALL the posters have helped me.) Keep posting, reading and moving forward toward a more beautiful you and a life you deserve.
Blessings,
Dee

Pages
Dee - did you see my post called "is this normal"? -- I feel the exact same way...indifference, not missing him, etc. This was a guy I thought I was totally in love with. Now I'm feeling free of all that pain and drama and it actually feels good.
My M was over anyway and I don't have any sex or partner to fall back on either right now but I'm OK. I will be all right. Just hoping the good sex returns down the road with a very nice man who is available and NOT married.
And it certainly sounds like you are doing well too!
Hi Dee-light,
I like Blue_Belle’s suggestion.
<< There is no passion AT ALL. Ever. No fights, really, no sex, no nothing except raising children and keeping afloat in this economy. There is no room for anything else, including having expectation of romance and such>>
I hope that you are able to have all that you want in a M. It’s good that you realize an A won’t fix a problem or meet your needs. Maybe ask Clarity to do a drive-by and smack some passion into your H. I guess that would be a smack-by and you would have to have your H on said curb at the right time. At the very least, she might be able to piss him off if she splashed water on him. That’s a start.
Warning E1 is cross threading again it’s my ADD and plus it saves me from having to do a whole other post on your other thread so I’m answering it here:
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Dee
Thank you sooooooo much for your support and thoughts - I'm so pleased that you 'have a good feeling' about me going on here! I will hold onto that during my journey. I so want things to work out well, and my DH deserves that more than anything. He is being so incredibly supportive, he is such a level headed guy and is the best communicator and I'm so blessed to be given this 'second chance'.
I'm so envious of your new wings too!!! I can't wait to be in the same position you are now in, and it's not even about the 3 months NC. It's about feeling 'indifference', and an inner peace, knowing that I have got rid of all those toxic thoughts and feelings and will be on the road to a much better and more improved 'me'.....
Love and Hugs xx
I look forward to reading your progress and I feel blessed that my story resonates with you for the better.
xo
Dee
E-
I just found out that I have a school meeting in 1/2 hour; yes, I too have ADD, and apparently so does my H! So, anyway, I just wanted to drop a quick note of love and for volunteering Clarity to commit a misdemeanor assault for my behalf. you are soooo kind that way!
Btw. FM? I or L or SM? I'm, L usually, although Xap haunts that neighborhood now and I am self-exiled but am thinking of reclaiming my turf. I would Love to meet you! Do you see beers and french fries in our future? I promise to be nice to your husband! But, OMG, can you imagine if we BOTH ran into xAP at the same time!!!? ahahahahahahhahaha(opps, peed myself a little)
xoxox
Dee
Hey De-vine,
If you are ADD, then you can keep up with my constant change in topic. Road trips with the family are fun. Plenty of new topics popping up but I don’t think we finish most of the conversations. We are all over the map (pun intended)!
I think Clarity is going to charge me a fee for offering her services. I don’t want to earn her a pair of shinny silver bracelets and have her Dee-tained and me an accomplice and the planner of the Dee-d! Oh my!
Hope your meeting went well at the school. I have several of those this week too.
You had me at fries! I don’t want to give too many Dee-tails over a public site about location so shoot me an email through my profile and ask me out on a date properly! Don’t worry I have an anti-xAP kit. It comes with a large camera and tape recorder.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
***VROOM...VROOM***
Waiting for green light from Dee.
Bwahahahaha! Y'all are so funny.
Just don't hurt any parts of H I might have use for!
xo
DD
E1 and Dee,
You two don't happen to live in Ca. do you? You both sound like so much fun!
E1 won't let me divulge information about her anymore. The restraining order made sure of that!
But, I live in SCal. The pollution makes us all a little loopy!
Thanks!
Dee
Pages