Indifference
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| Sat, 01-30-2010 - 10:56am |
Three months into the Ending, two months since a very brief break in NC (one 30 min exchange of IMs), and I think I am feeling.... wait for it..... INDIFFERENCE. Can you frickin' believe it?! Yep. The day before yesterday, yesterday, this morning (so far) and I'm feeling very 'meh' towards xAP. Don't have ANY desire to ever speak to him again, no longer frustrated or mulling over the lack of 'closure' that we all struggle with, no longer daydreaming about meeting up with him accidently and how stunning I'll look nor how he'll respond. Nada. Zip. He's not on my mind as an individual, only as an element of my A, which I keep on my mind because I'm still working on ME and my issues that got me into this mess. But, I'm not romantically thinking of him, missing him, or wanting him in any way.
I'm not sure this all qualifies as pure indifference, though, because I do think of my xAP instead of not thinking of him at all, but the thoughts are all negative -- not passionately hateful or anything - just thinking "ya know? After thinking about it.... I don't really even like him as a person anymore." All those things he did or didn't do during the A don't bother or charm me anymore. I still miss sex, not getting any _anywhere_, not even at home - but, I don't miss xAP's sex. In fact, after really considering it, he wasn't very good in bed anyway. ha. With out the added adrenaline and drama of the sneaking around and the illicit nature of the sex, he was pretty darn average in bed. Of course, HE doesn't know that! lol. (I did MY share of lying in the affair, too!) ;)
And, it's not as if my M is magically healed and filling the voids now that drove me to an A in the first place. No. M is the same. So my indifference towards xAP is purely because I'm over it, over him and moving on.
The indifference snuck up on me. I just noticed that when a thought of xAP came across my mind, there was not a pang or tingle.... nothing. I was no longer curious about what he was doing or interested in wasting time thinking about 'us'. I thought I loved him, and he loved me. Probably all false, but... hey... I don't care anymore either way. I thought he was a nice guy in a difficult situation, but now I think he's JAM with issues that I am so relieved are no longer any of my business (as if they _ever_ were). I don't feel any real anger, but I do think he's a pathetic, small, damaged little man - I have no respect for him and I don't want him in my life, thoughts, or future in any way.
I always thought WE were 'different' - not like all you other A havers! ;) WE were special, there was love and all that other BS. We were star crossed lovers, doomed to carry each other in our hearts, alone, in the deepest part of our souls ('cuz, ya know, the 'connection' was just that deeeeep. evs)
BUT! Life is not a Sophia Loren movie and he sure as hell isn't any Marcello Mastroianni!
I know there is a possibility that I'll swing back and forth from anger or sadness back to indifference, but I'm just so happy and thankful to know what indifference feels like, finally!
Good luck to all of you! Thanks to everyone on this board who has helped me (actually, ALL the posters have helped me.) Keep posting, reading and moving forward toward a more beautiful you and a life you deserve.
Blessings,
Dee

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Dee you just had to bring up the RO. Now I feel like I need to explain as to not appear to be the bad person here.
Actingasif, it really was all a misunderstanding. In Dee’s defense and in hindsight, I think the high carbo packed meal of fries and beer combined with the fact that
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
E!!! you _promised_ you'd never bring it up again! I _said_ I'm sorry! You never let it go, do you!? Besides, I didn't start that fire, YOU did!
To boot, you never paid for the club tee shirt. And I don't think just because the guy at the bar took the "I Like Being an Ender" logo the wrong way, it means you don't have to contribute the $15.95 it cost for the silkscreening.
(All you So.Call enders: I really, really, really don't think Vegas could handle the lot of us! Holy Moly. May I poke a little self-deprecating fun at our group here?? Us, Vegas? We'd need to come up with a new Board! Something like, TDR --- The Deeply Regretable.)
Ok I “allegedly” set the fire. I ask that you use that terminally until all charges are fully dropped.
As far as the T-Shirt, the silk screening was crap and it said “I like benders”…What the…that is not what I said and he had a shirt covering the sign that said no refunds. It was a total rip off.
Wait…did you say…Vegas. Hmmmmm!
Disclaimer: Events that have been depicted in this and previous posts on this thread may or may not have been embellished for pure entertainment purposes.
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
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