Initiated affair. Now I'm being played?

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Registered: 03-29-2005
Initiated affair. Now I'm being played?
7
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 6:06pm
q


Edited 5/10/2005 8:17 pm ET ET by despr8housewife2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003

Despr8housewife2005

>"The A at this point is going nowhere. I'm not leaving my H"<

You "affair" like the rest was NEVER going anywere how could it.

End it and close the door and lock it shut.

Deal with the reasons with in yourself why you allowed yourself to do this rather then finding a healthy solution to what ever problems might exsit in yourself or your marriage.

As for the SINGLE man, not likely he is playing games more likely he is getting bored or has met someone new to play with. The funny thing is if you want him to come chargeing back breaking it off is the way to do that.

JMHO

Free




Edited 3/29/2005 8:12 pm ET ET by mefreenow
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
You are so right. But don't want him back in that way. Just miss what it was. I know we have to move on. I just don't know whether it is wise to just leave it alone or say something. I think it's best to leave it alone. Just afraid he will come back days from now. Then I might not have the guts to end it. I guess it will just die on its own. I just don't want to feel hurt anymore. I want closure. Not sure how to get it. Want to officially move on with my life. As for what I said about my H. I didn't mean I'm never leaving, just not leaving for another man. Trying to sort things out. My H left me along time ago. Emotionally speaking. Tried to fix it. He wasn't receptive until I got a "friend" Are all men mental?? I guess that's another board!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003

Despr8housewife2005

>"He wasn't receptive until I got a "friend" Are all men mental??"<

If I were to answer that question the way I would like to I might get kicked off this board.

More seriously it is very very common for Husbands/BF NOT to react to relationship problems until they find themselves in a crissis so in this your husband is soundinf normal.

In my opinion "YOU" want to be the one ending it, it just seems to make it easier on women when they do the kicking to the curb, they don't walk around obsessing so much about how the XOM is feeling about them so much.

My advice is to take the bull by the horns and end it ONE TIME ONLY then ENFORCE TOTAL NO CONTACT.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005

Near the end of my A, my MM was becoming distant. Days would go by without so much as an off line message saying hello or a Valentine's day wish. I started to pull away, hoping to do a slow fade. I don't do emotional ending well. After a week of NC with MM, he started with a flurry of emails asking if I was ok that he loved me so much, that I "consumed his thoughts", etc. I would think ok he was stressed with work and at home and he needed to pull back and have some down time, so I picked up where I left off. Sure enough, a few days would go by and he would disappear again for a week. Not a word from him. This went on a couple of times then decided to stop making excuses for him. NO ONE is that busy. He would sense I was pulling away and throw me a few "I love you" "Can't wait until we are together" and try to reel me back in. Finally, I just got sick of it and the sleepless night and ended it.

You need to ask yourself what you want from this A. Do you want a friend and lover, just a lover who you see from time to time for sex? Truthfully, I don't know how we can end the sexually side of the A, and just remain friends. Wouldn't most of us slip up and want more??

Wishing you a clear mind on what is best for you. Keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 11:41pm

I agree with that whole heartedly. I mean why do any of us want to hold onto a friendship with these MM in the 1st place if the A is not working out? Why would we want to be friends with such cowards & that generally treat us like dirt? Yeah, they do reel us in the beginning feeding the BS about being in love & all that stuff, but if it was real love, they would be with us, not avoiding what's at hand, etc. You are right, no one is that busy to take the time out to contact the person they supposedly love!

I have gotten absolutely nothing out of my A, maybe great sex, but if I want sex, I can get it anywhere, I'm single. That's not what I was looking for, yet I wasn't looking for an A either, just got sucked in during a vulnerable time of my life. At first, I generally felt bad for him & his situation, but now that I see him for what he really is, he really doesn't treat any one very nice, but guess what? His W has to deal w/what an a..hole he is & not me. I even broke down & sent my MM a text to just say Happy Easter & not a response back. How rude & disrespectful!

Yep, it's hard when you finally make that decision to be done & then they come waltzing back around to in fact, pick up where they left off, then by that time, we are cooled off from being so angry & hurt, that we feed into it again, just like an addiction. Ahhh, but there is always the good ole distractions from that! For myself being a SW, I'm starting to date again. It really feels good to be taken out & treated w/respect. I'm feeling good about myself again & know that I will find a great SINGLE guy who will give me everything I want & deserve! WE ALL DESERVE THAT!

Mjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
despr8,
Sounds like my A in a nutshell! Yes, he is playing you. He is a single man that can basically do what he pleases...he also has no reason to be faithful to you b/cause you are not the faithful type to begin with becuase you are having an affair on your husband. (double edged sword that one is) Plus it is great digs for a single guy...he can get some nookie and you are already married so they don't have to treat us like real girlfriends and they know that we can't truly get involved in their business b/cause we are too busy cheating/lieing/sneaking already. These crazy things start out so innocently and before you know it you are planning your day around ways you can sneak to talk to him or be with him. I spent a year and a half right where you are. The thrill was gone way before the A was over but I kept holding on to the nothingness...i kept it up to fill emptiness in my life. But I ultimately created way more emptiness than I could have ever imagined. You can keep waiting around for things to get better and maybe he will show a new-found interest in you or you can face the fact that it is over..it served it's purpose in your life but now it is time to tell him goodbye for good. There is no reason to remain friends (he doesn't sound like a good friend anyway...good friends don't blow you off for weeks at a time!) You have to let him go and start to rebuild your life. Good luck girly! It's a hard, long process!
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 12:03pm
Yes Nutmegg, you said it best. I want it to be over. But I think it will be hard to get closure and move on. I have no problem at this point saying goodbye. Based on his recent actions I don't even think I could sleep with him again. I am disappointed and disgusted. But I fear if I wait around for him to contact me to tell him it's over, I will still be holding on and not moving on by still waiting for him. I want to move on today, I'm feeling it! Should I call him and let him know that I'm done? Is that stupid? Any suggestions?